The John of Rights, Part II

     As we reach the end of this ridiculous and unbelievable year, it occurs to me that far too many people have either passed, tried to pass, or are now hoping to pass, a gross and awful mess of terrible laws. When these human gems aren’t doing that, they are doing their very best to destroy a bunch of pretty good laws for the worthwhile sake of petty spite. That being the case, I thought it was high time I added a few of my own amendments to the original John of Rights. So, friends and neighbors, I present to you the John of Rights Part II: the Ten Johnmendments (alternate subtitle: Electric BoogaJohn.)
     Johnmendment the First: All pay gaps are hereby abolished, as are any laws that discriminate against any gender, congenital or otherwise, in any way. Any person, or persons, or corporations, found to be in violation of this Johnmendment will be replaced by Christopher Plummer, or a delegate of his choosing. If Mr. Plummer is busy, uninterested, or otherwise unavailable, the author of this document will pick someone else. Further, the aforementioned violator will be barred from holding public office or using social media, because the people are frankly tired of putting up with these monsters.
     Also, anyone who refuses to acknowledge the existence of the pay gap, or pretends not to know what the author is referring to, is to be immediately fired.
     Johnmendment the Second: Any person found to be reading a book in public, at any time, shall not be interrupted or bothered. This includes all parks, methods of public transportation, air and water vehicles, and swimming pools. Excuses for violating this Johnmendment do not include intoxication or being attracted to said person, so unless said interruption is professionally or personally necessitated (and here we mean said reader might die otherwise), leave them alone. One attempt may be made to acquire the attention of said reader, but any subsequent attempt will be considered a violation of this Johnmendment, and the offender will be legally prohibited from speaking for no less than three full days following the offense.
     This Johnmendment also applies to people with headphones on, because everyone knows that’s the only reason people really wear those things anyway.
     Johnmendment the Third: Any person, or persons, running for or holding political office at any level, is henceforth prohibited from resorting to name calling in order to belittle those who disagree with or run against them. Such practice is now formally recognized as childish and lacking of any worthwhile qualities. Any person found to be in violation will be disqualified from running or removed from office. At the time of this writing, ours is one of the most significant nations on this planet, and as such deserves a better quality of discourse from its leaders. The author of this document, by the way, is embarrassed for all of us that this even needs to be an actual law. But here we are.
     Johnmendment the Fourth: All chewing, be it of gum or food or what have you, shall now be done with closed mouths, like civilized human beings, and not cows. The sound it makes is heretofore recognized as unbearable, and violators are to have whatever contents they are masticating slapped from their mouths as soon as possible with no opportunity for recompense of any kind. It is recognized that the practice of open mouth chewing may not pose a significant threat to the future of the world or its people, but stop it anyway, already.
     Johnmendment the Fifth: Any person, or persons, deemed unfit to enter a public shopping mall for any reason, shall also not be allowed to campaign for or hold public office. This rule is to be put into place due to the apparent fact that some people don’t understand how that is instantly obvious. The author of this document would like to take a momentary sidebar to explain:
     Are you kidding me? Everyone can go into a shopping mall! You know the only people who can’t go into shopping malls? They’re the ones who also can’t even go into that one super gross Hardee’s anymore because they yell at employees and don’t clean up after themselves, the ones who actually call the numbers scrawled in the public restroom stalls, the ones who spit on the floor when they don’t have their outrageous demands met.
     People who don’t understand that other human beings matter.
     People for whom anyone should be embarrassed to vote.
     Moving on.
     Johnmendment the Sixth: All shopping carts are to returned to their designated place by the person who used them once said person has fulfilled their need for said cart. Shopping carts are not to left in empty parking spots, in front of doorways, halfway hooked into flower and tree beds, or any other location they have no business leaving the aforementioned cart. Said behavior is heretofore recognized as thoughtless and rude, and offenders will be harangued and chased by the store employees who were previously responsible for rounding up all the stray shopping carts.
     Johnmendment the Seventh: Any and all attempts to repeal or limit Net Neutrality are hereby permanently null, because the greatest tool for communication, ridiculous and silly and outright terrible as it may sometimes be, should not be controlled by money driven interests of any kind. This Johnmendment will be kept short and simple, because this issue simply is not that complicated.
     Johnmendment the Eighth: Those people who are utilizing elevators, escalators, buses, and all similar public methods of conveyance, are to be allowed to exit said method of conveyance before others begin to board. Those waiting to board are to keep the points of egress of said conveyance clear until all passengers who wish to exit have done so. This Johnmendment is actually pretty simple as well, and as such those who violate it will be pushed down and trod upon.
     Johnmendment the Ninth: From this day forward, any and all professional sports organizations are required to pay for their own stadiums and facilities, instead of expecting to have tax money devoted to it. Owners of these organizations are not allowed to demand or even accept special favors from the city to entice said owners to bring said organizations to said city. Violators of this Johnmendment will have their organization taken away from them and given over to a city elected committee to run instead, and said owners will have to take their ball and go home.
     Johnmendment the Tenth: From this day forward, any and all proposed laws, statutes, and public policies must be grounded in real and actual reason, and not in religious belief or emotional fervor. While the author of this document recognizes the right of all people to have faith in the deity of their choosing and practice said faith in whatever manner they choose that does not harm other creatures, it is not acknowledged that those beliefs should be used to govern.
     This Johnmendment is put in place to discourage people from thinking they have the right to ruin the lives of others simply because a different belief system. It is placed as tenth in this document with the intention that it be enacted the day after the previous nine, so that the author of this document does not have to go back and give sound scientific reasoning for making people chew with their mouths closed.
     Here ends the next ten additions to the John of Rights, aimed to the best of my ability to bring peace and justice to the world. I know a lot of people may not like all of them, but after all the insane stuff I’ve had to sit here and witness over the past year, I think I ought to at least be able to read book in peace once in a while.

-John

Declaration Day 2017

     Well here we are, friends and neighbors, right smack dab in the middle of the two biggest holidays this country has. That's right, I said two biggest. Don't give me that balderdash about Easter or St. Valentine's day, either. They don't even come close, and you know it. People are still trying to get the turkey and gravy out of their veins, and many people are already getting stabbed in their feet from pine needles that have fallen off the trees that for some archaic reason are now sitting in the living room.  Commercials have reached their yearly peak of sugar coated pleas for us to express our love monetarily, and the music - which is inescapable- gets emptier than a... Hm. You know, I really hate the music, so I'm going to have to think about this for a bit, and then we'll get back to it.
     Anyway, the problem with all the holiday stuff, as I see it and thus it must be, lies not with the errant pine needles, nor with the fact that pumpkin is in everything. For some of us, in fact, having pumpkin in everything is delightful, because pumpkin is delicious, and even people who claim otherwise know they are mistaken in their hearts. No, the problem we face at this time of year, aside from the music -for which I will find an appropriate simile- is the forced cheer.
     You know what I mean, right? Yeah, you know what I mean. Everyone says some version of "Happy Holidays" even if they don't know the person to whom they are speaking, the ugliest sweaters in existence appear in droves from the backs of closets, smelling of mothballs and last years' rum fueled acts of shame. Jewelers remind us incessantly what letter the word 'kiss' always beings with, and retailers attempt to convince us that their greed is nothing more than a deep and passionate concern that our relatives know we love them, and in order to help us, have discounted all the merchandise they have thus far failed to sell.
     They do it out of love, you guys. Love.
    Now, I know a great many of us would love to see these holidays move away from being a season of overzealous consumer gouging, but somehow I don't see that happening any more than I see it going away entirely, which would also please a fair number of souls. So instead of whining about it, I came up with another solution, and I think it's just what we need. It is not an attempt to reclaim Christmas, because let's face it, the origins of that holiday are murky at best, and whatever meaning it may have once had is so dried out and decrepit that we might as well just put it on a boat, set it out to sea, and light it on fire with arrows as it floats away.
     At least that way the War On Christmas would be over, and the persecution finished.
     Here again I speak of the music.
     I propose that, instead of reclaiming an existing holiday, we make up a new one, one that takes place on the twelfth of December. It shall be know as Declaration Day, and here's how it works:
     There are no gifts, no big meals, no dying plants to decorate or songs to sing. There is no affiliated religion or deity to worship (though I'd be willing to listen to some prayers, as long as they are juicy), and there are no special outfits. All you must do to participate is tell one, just one,  person you care about a real, honest thing. No sugar coating, just plain simple truth.
     And it can't be something easy, like telling a spouse "I love you", or telling a best friend he or she is really important to you. Tell them something you wouldn't normally tell them.
     Now, just a couple of rules, which I get to make, because I invented the holiday (hence the earlier implication that prayers be sent to me.)
     1) This truth cannot be conveyed via text, email, or any other medium which makes use of terms such as 'LOL' or 'OMG'. The point of this holiday is accurate, honest, real communication, and I have learned over the years that most people are not as adept at conveying tone through the written word as one would hope. So in order to help prevent mistakes, face to face is best. An actual phone call or video chat is permitted if circumstances require it.
     2) Any person to whom a truth is delivered is automatically allowed to dispense a truth in return. So, if your decision is to finally tell that coworker he smells, he will be allowed to tell you that everyone knows you wear a wig, provided both statements are true. This provision is in place not to keep one from expressing an honest opinion, but only to maintain balance. No one wants some dummy just walking around telling people what's wrong with them. Also, bear in mind, if you decide to only convey the, let's say, unkind thoughts in your head, people are going to notice, and eventually you'll end up with less people in your life to complain about than you might want, left with only your misery for company.
     So try not to be a jerk about it. Just take a little brain power away from who on your gift list would like that neat-o pair of Christmas socks (no one wants those), try not to think about what to wear to the office holiday party (skip it. Just skip it; who even cares?) and let your mind come up with something you can tell someone that really, really matters. Anything, for anyone, as long as it's not a commercial for diamonds or toys.
     Good luck with it, and as a show of faith, I'll even start us off with one:
     When I tell people about this blog, I usually play it off as a sort of throwaway exercise to keep my writing muscles in shape, and act like I don't care if anyone reads it. The truth is, I couldn't be happier that even a few people bother to check this thing out when I manage to write it, and every repost, or conversational mention, or forwarded link, pleases me to no end. Of course I know that putting this in writing not only exposes me as a sap, but also breaks the second rule of Declaration Day, but there's no way I have time to call every one of you up and tell you, so cut me a little slack, how about?
     Hopefully this means that at least for one day, right when we need it most, everyone will get a real, if sometimes harsh, dose of honesty. I believe, I really do, that in the long run, it will help us all stay a little grounded and better focused in a time of year when we are encouraged on all sides to indulge every temptation that strikes us, and distractions are every- EMPTIER THAN A BAG OF THE DEVIL'S PROMISES!
     Jeez, that was really weighing on me. For real.
-John

A Conspiracy to Dunce Us

One of the things that always struck me as funny (not in a ha-ha way, but more like in an exasperated sigh from the depths of my soul sort of way) is how some of the more extreme voices in our culture have mixed into their philosophies and diatribes a good amount of conspiracy theory nuttiness. It’s almost like they don’t realize how incredible (not in a wonderful way, but more like in a not feasible enough to seem remotely plausible, let alone believable way) the lengths are to which they must journey in order to justify their beliefs and ideas.

Which, on it’s own, is not surprising. Anyone who’s ever dealt with a child or sociopath or narcissistic moron knows they will provide any explanation they can come up with, no matter how far-fetched, to justify their selfish and destructive actions. Many of us are so used to it that we no longer even bother to register the lack of respect these people must have for us, to think us so stupid that we’d believe anything they said.

Ever.

What is a little surprising is that it always seem to go one way. Like how global warming is a hoax, or rape culture isn’t real, or the Earth is flat, or everyone who isn’t Christian is actively trying to destroy Christmas. These are all conspiracies created and being enforced by China, women, and, I guess, people who don’t buy Christmas trees? When did it get decided that only one end of the political spectrum gets to make inane accusations, like how all of these organizations trying to save and protect our environment are the bad guys, and the oil and coal companies, which don’t mind letting people drink flammable water, are the helpless victims that must be saved?

I don’t think that’s fair, and I don’t like things that aren’t fair. So, I’m going to try and spin up a little conspiracy theory of my own.  Before we really get into it though, I’m going to implement a rule or two for myself, and in order to keep things clear and fair (see above), I want to let you all in on them.

1. I do have one simple(ish) little bit for this planned out, but beyond that, I’m just going to let it fly. Once it’s done, I will make no changes beyond the reparation of grammatical errors. I’m doing this because I don’t think anyone who really thinks things through could say or believe any of the theories to which I’ve previously referred.
2. If there is any government agency, or any other organization with violent tendencies, monitoring this nonsense, please understand that any actual and real conspiracies I may expose are done so without my knowledge, and so please don’t kill me or burn my house down. Please.

Okay, so here’s what I think is really going on: The Product in Chief has been colluding with Russia for a while now, because he thought he should be President, but even through his dementia and narcissism knew that playing fair wouldn’t do him any favors. Russia was more than happy to help, because Putin hated that Obama was better at being cool than him (remember when he just swatted that fly? That was SO COOL!), so he agreed to help Trump get the job, knowing full well that the Great Orange Zeppelin was not qualified or competent.

However, what our Sad Old Toothless But Still Overly Loud Mongrel in Chief didn’t know was that Russia was also in cahoots with North Korea to weaken and subsequently undermine the United States. They knew -better than some of us did, apparently- that putting a lying cheating con-man who, when publicly called out for not paying his taxes and thereby deceiving and cheating the very people and country he claims to love, replies with a glib smirk and the claim that doing so makes him smart, would cause serious damage. They knew that the Piece of Trash Under a Suit (POTUS) would think that he could outsmart and out deal them, all the while doing to the country what he did to so many of his own businesses, claiming success as everyone and everything around him got burned to the ground.

They played this Putrid Old Trumped Up Swindler (POTUS again!) like the masters of the deal he insists he is, and now he has four years (maybe) to do all the damage his deranged brain can do.

Now, at this point it strikes me that you skeptics and critical thinkers out there are raising your eyebrows as you read this, eager to point out that a quality nutjob conspiracy theory requires a long game. Something to keep people hooked, so they can follow further developments that support the theory to which they subscribe. Otherwise, they may reach a point where they have to change how they see or think about things, and no one likes to do that because it means they might be wrong sometimes.

Just look at religion. They all have a crazy good long term sell. Who could say no eternal reward?

Don’t worry, you long term thinkers, I’m ready for you. Well actually I wasn’t, but I’m nice and warmed up now, so let’s see what happens!

See, they don’t want us to be smart enough to tell when our Very Own Leaders are unfit to lead, because they know that no well educated and reasonable populace could elect someone like Roy Moore, or pardon Joe Arpaio, or believe that a big wall could stop people, even though never in history has one really done so. I mean really, if that was a viable option, we’d still be using castles, wouldn’t we?  

No, they needed us stupid. But not just your everyday average stupid, like respecting professional athletes more than teachers. No, they needed us to be the kind of stupid that truly believes having a tool created only for killing somehow makes any situation safer, or that regulating such tools is somehow bad.  

But they knew we wouldn’t buy textbooks about American History that were written in Russia. They knew we wouldn’t just, out of nowhere, give not just voice but actual real time and energy to the small and stupid piece of our populace that openly promotes racism and religious hatred. I mean, what kind of country would we be if, after everything we’ve been through, the Civil War and World War II and the Civil Rights Movement and all of it, we not only gave airtime to a bunch of swastika wearing red faced screaming morons, but actually tolerate a leader who says they’re not all bad?

An unnaturally stupid one, obviously.

But the Russians knew, possibly due to generations of living under the rule of inbred czars and whatnot, that stupidity has to start at the top. It’s like trickle down economics, except that it works. So they made sure this Proudly Overtly Truly Unctuous Scumbag (that’s three!) got the job, because they knew he didn’t value intelligence as much as bullying, and having him influence how we teach our children would make very sure that things got significantly dumber for some time. Call it a farfetched notion if you like, but I would like to remind you that the Flat Earth Society not only exists, but recently asserted that unlike Earth, Mars has been proven to be round.

Take a second and ruminate on that, friends and neighbors.

Now for the part with North Korea. Russia got them involved because they knew that the  only world leader who was even close to being as arrogant and self absorbed as our own Paragon Of Thoroughly Unequalled Selfishness (I could do this all day) was the Dictator of North Korea. They got him involved to keep everyone distracted with the threat of war, so that we would be a little less willing to make our own country less stable -even temporarily- by shaking things up with an honest to goodness and obviously necessary impeachment.

So now we’re stuck, see? They’ve saddled us with a Purveyor Of Turgid Unstoppable Stupidity (All. Day.), and they know he will inevitably impede the process of intellectual evolution, possibly long enough for our two prevailing ideologies to diverge beyond reconciliation. Abe Lincoln once wrote that “a house divided cannot stand,” and maybe, just maybe, Russia took that more as a direction than a warning.

End of theory. Now, what I want to know is, where are the crazy conspiracy sites spouting this kind of stuff? Is it because it’s not crazy enough? Do I need to introduce aliens into it somehow? What other stuff could I throw into it to get some crazy left wing nut job to make a site about all the shadow government right wing organization conspiracies to, I don’t know, make the planet so hot that plants can’t grow and no one can be a vegetarian, or how they intentionally make all the affordable electric cars look stupid so that fewer people buy them?  

Wait.

Hold on.

Did I just accidentally make this that site?

Aw. Dang it.

-John

A Nice Long Breakation

Well.

As far as big pictures go, things are just outright refusing to give us a break, aren’t they? I’m not even going to bother with a recap, because what are the chances that someone would find this blog and not somehow have access to the whole entire rest of the internet, or radio, or television? What I’m going to do instead is give you all the same break I recently gave myself. Or, at least, a recount of the break I recently gave myself.

That’s right, friends and neighbors, I just got back from a vacation, which means it’s time to tell you all about it! This time around, I indulged myself and a lovely traveling companion in a visit to Universal Studios in Holollywood Calalifornia (about 500 miles west of my favorite natural wonder, the Grandadadadaaa Canyonananaaa.) Come with me, won’t you, as I try and remember enough things to fill a page or two as entertainingly as I can.

Arrival- We arrived fairly late in the evening and, after making our way to the outside of the Los Angeles International Airport, ordered what was to be my first ever Lyft ride, which involved watching our driver cruise right by us and subsequently waiting for him to circle all the way around the maliciously designed mobius strip from the hateful depths of the soulless abyss departure/arrival/parking/drop-off infrastructure of said airport, then discovering that our journey would be taken with not only our driver, but a fellow in the passenger seat who never spoke to us, instead limiting himself to a few obscenity laden statements about traffic and updates from the news in what I can only assume was an effort to distract our driver from the near collision and honked horn filled route, which in total lasted almost as long as this sentence.

We then arrived at our hotel, which was quite pleasant, and slept.

Day 1- We decided to spend our first day doing the non theme park tourist stuff, and so went first to the La Brea Tar Pits. Instead of again employing an oddly named but totally hip taxi service, we elected to avail ourselves of the public transportation system. This journey began, as so many do, with us downloading multiple apps and finding out that there was no particularly convenient way for us to pay pre-purchase our bus fare, and we would instead have to not only use cash, but exact change, like barbarians.The journey itself was exceptionally unexceptional, including only one transfer, no outwardly aggressive crazy people, and the two of us disembarking only one stop early.   

After walking a little farther than we potentially would have been required to, we arrived at the tar pit area. The park itself is lovely, and the pit we saw was a small pond inside of which were bubbling black pools of tar, and only one very small island of garbage.Very much a smaller scale of what I imagine the Gulf of Mexico to look like, except for statues at one end of the pond which depicted a three member Mastodon family in the middle of losing one parent to the tar. My lovely traveling companion and I were particularly struck by this recreation, as the artist(s?) had done an outstanding job of expressing the horror and trauma felt by the Mastodon child.

That poor statue kid is permanently having the worst day of it’s life, and its pain was On Display.

From this horrific scene we ventured into the museum, which is super cool and full of skeletons that have been pulled out of the tar pits, some of which you can even touch, but be careful, because it is not always easy to discern which ones. For example, at one point, a young employee proffered unto me a Sabre-toothed Cat skull, but then quickly informed that I could not touch it. Even though he practically shoved it in my face and begged me to take it home with me. We also observed a wall on which were placed 404 dire wolf skulls, which was really cool, and heard an older couple complain that these dire wolves did not resemble the ones on “Game of Thrones”, and also that these wolves must have been pretty stupid, to get caught up in those pits. The male half of this couple also treated us to a display of his lower belly, which spilled out of his shirt as he leaned back to take a picture, a detail I provide only to remind you that stupidity is relative, and people are gross.

We spent the rest of the afternoon walking along Hollywood Boulevard, looking at stars in the ground with famous names on them, checking out what is essentially the exact same souvenir shop recreated endlessly in order to fill out spaces between the restaurants and bars, and doing our level best not to come into physical contact with any member of the great mass of humanity that mills about in that area of town.

We aso learned that my lovely traveling companion has a hairstyle that is quite the envy of many members of said mass, as well as Wonder Woman. Oh, and there was also lots more drivers honking horns at one another, which I began to suspect was some sort of mating call.

We then returned to the hotel, and slept.

Day 2- Day one at Universal Studios! We arrived early, to beat the lines, and headed straight for Harry Potter world, which did not disappoint. I don’t want to give away too much, but I will say that, while it’s not exactly huge, the two major rides are totally fun, and the recreation of Hogsmeade has that whole wizarding world spirit pretty intact. Also, “Butterbeer” is cream soda with a little bit of extra butterscotch, and it’s delicious.

From there we went to the Simpsons area of the park which, for a lifelong (first ten seasons) Simpsons fan like myself, was just as great as strolling through Hogsmeade. We stopped off at Krusty Burger for a Krusty Burger, which was fine, and went to Moe’s for a Duff, which was also fine. It’s really more about the experience than the quality of the comestibles.

We also went to the “Walking Dead” walkthrough attraction, which was thoroughly enjoyable, and even had my favorite part of every haunted house style attraction: that guy in the group (this time it was the group right in front of us) who refuses to admit to being scared, because he’s so tough. Telltale signs of this person included, in this case, staying way behind his friends so that all the zombies would jump out at them and not him, rushing forward after they jump out to show how not scared he was, stopping to look around every corner with right fist clenched and halfway cocked, and then, once he emerged from the totally not scary maze, making fun of his friends for all the times they were frightened.

At this point, the park was getting pretty crowded, so we decided to save the remaining attractions for-

Day 3- We once again arrived at the park early, and made tracks to the Harry Potter rides again. From there we blasted through the “Jurassic Park” Ride, and the Mummy’s Revenge ride, which was probably based on the movie(s), but didn’t really have much to do with anything except a bunch of mummies and an exceptionally fun coaster, so no quote marks for it. We also went on the 3D “Transformers” ride, which probably would be fun if one cared at all about those movies, but these two did not, so it mostly just felt like we were in the back of a poorly driven car during a destruction derby and being forced to watch clips from an expensive and mindless CG movie about robots with boring and/or offensive personalities. We also went on a “Despicable Me” based ride, during which we briefly turned into minions, taken on a fun little adventure, and then reverted back to human form before being released, and we took a short ride on a flying bug, the rise of which we could kind of control with a joystick. This was the area of the park designed for kids, so I’ll keep its description appropriately short.

We ended our time in the park with a “Waterworld” themed stunt spectacular, which had lots of folks on jet skis, and a bunch of explosions and fire. So, it was at least as good as the movie.

Day 4- We spent the last day of our vacation doing very little, barely leaving the hotel room, except for a very short jaunt down to the pool, which was too cold to stay in for more than maybe two minutes. We ordered a pizza and watched episodes of “Arrested Development”, and it was relaxing and great. I could go on about this day for some time really, but vacations to me are a wonderful way to build some memories with people, even if that person is just oneself, so I’m going to keep the finer details of this day just for me and my lovely travel companion.

So there you have it, folks, a not terribly short recreation of my vacation for your placation during this particularly rough time in this already not the best ever year. I know it’s not going to change anything that’s happened recently, and it’s not anywhere near as enjoyable as going on your own vacation, but I hope it at least bought you a few minutes of respite from thinking about the whole entire rest of everything.

-John

Racists of Mass Dumbstruction

          Every day this week, I’ve checked the news and found more and more nonsense from Racist White Idiots spouting ridiculous garbage about “making white privilege great again”, and using phrases like “dispossession of white america”, to make their evil hateful cowardice seem like some sort of valid philosophy, or political point of view. A great many of them even refer to themselves as the “alt-right”, like maybe they’re aren’t so far off the map of basic human decency that they can actually be called terrorists.

Which is what they are. They’re using hate, violence, and fear to scare people into giving them what they want, and that’s called terrorism. Plain and simple. There’s no defending it, no trying to lay the blame on both sides. It’s an evil, and pretending it’s anything else is a pusillanimity for the grabbing.

And as much I long for the day when I don’t have to wonder if every bearded white guy in an american flag hat is a racist, I’m not stupid enough to believe that it’s going away anytime soon. This kind of chickenhearted buffoonery has been around for as long as skin has come in different colors, as long as we’ve had gods, as long as we’ve needed to rationalize how horribly we treat each other. It’ll probably be around for a long time to come, because well, people are idiots, and staying dumb is easy. I do, however, have a couple of things to point out, interspersed with one or two things to ask.

The first of the things which I would like to ask is directed towards those people -particularly those elected leaders who are affiliated with a certain Elephantine party- who heard Trump’s reaction, and got all shocked and surprised by it. My question to you fine folks is this: Why such bemusement? Before you decided to tow the party line and vote like your donors told you to, did you not listen to what this rotten bag of assorted archaic inanities was spewing during his campaign? Did you tell yourselves he didn’t mean it, that it was just locker room talk he was sharing with the whole world?

Or were you all, “Sure, he hates Muslims and women and Mexicans, and he equates his own book with the Bible, but he can’t really be a Racist, right? Let’s make him President!”

Or maybe you’re just denouncing him now because it’s the right political move to make. Not that I would ever accuse politicians of prioritizing their job over their own beliefs or anything. Although I hear the health care plan is pretty enviable, and would be difficult to replace. As far as that goes, by the way, pretending to be all shocked and trying to distance yourself from him now doesn't make you look good; it makes you look like you weren't smart enough to see through him in the first place.

A taco bowl, for heavens' sake.

I’m also curious as to why so many of these racist knaves are getting airtime on all these news channels. I don’t think we need to hear more about their point of view, do you? It’s pretty clear, I think. When spoiled awful children throw tantrums in the store, rewarding them with candy and hugs isn’t going to teach them to behave. Maybe we could, instead of putting these intellectual throwbacks on the air, we could give that time to the people who show up to protest them.

Think of it: every time the racist morons of the world get together and have a little march or whatever, all the world sees is the people across the street, demonstrating against them. All their tiki torch waving, goose-stepping, white male fury completely ignored as the world smiles on the people they hate. Wouldn’t that be great?

I mean, I don’t know if people chanting about equality and love is as much of a ratings grabber as proponents of hate and terrorism are, but it’s not like all that matters is profitability, right?

Finally, I think it’s highly telling that these advocates of asininity are so upset about how they are losing their privilege, and their country is being taken away from them, and so on. How does that jive with the idea of them being a superior race? If these caterwauling caitiffs were really so great, all that competition from immigrants and other races wouldn’t really be an issue, would it? Wouldn’t their natural superiority keep them in first place always? If there was any truth at all to their convictions, they wouldn’t have to walk around in groups yelling about how great they are. The only really great person who had to walk around constantly reminding us he was the greatest was Muhammad Ali, and he only had to do that because of the Idiot White Racists in the first place.

Anyway, it’s 2017, and I am embarrassed for and in utter disbelief of us that we even have to have this discussion. See you next time, friends and neighbors.

-John

Belated Birthday Beseechments

Quite recently, and against all advice from my elders, I decided to increase the number of years I have been alive to a robust thirty-six. What this means, aside from very little in the grand scheme of things, is that it is once again time for me to impart some of my acquired wisdom to those earthly inhabitants who have yet to achieve an equal number of years and/or level of wisdom. This year in particular it seems necessary, as wisdom is quite clearly in short supply. So read on and educate thyselves, friends and neighbors!

1. There are a lot of terrible, hateful, anger fueled goings on going on right now, and it often seems like the people currently in charge are intentionally ignoring it and indeed making it worse. This has happened before, and it is sad and difficult every time, and also, they eventually lose. Don’t let this time be the exception.
2. No one has ever learned anything useful from internet comments. Avoid reading and writing them. Go out and do something useful instead.
3. Always try new foods. Also, have something nearby to wash out your mouth if necessary, because some foods are gross.
4. Many of the people doing the despicable things mentioned in item number one are using religious dogma to rationalize and justify their actions. Don’t believe them. They’re not holy; they’re not righteous. They’re the same manipulative, ruinous, self-serving people all of those messiahs and prophets came here to warn us against. No god worth following ever advocates hate or discrimination, and if you take nothing else from this piece, please remember that. Though you should definitely take more. 1 and 4 are pretty good I think, and wait ‘til you take a gander at 6, 9, and 10.

5. A lot of people believe you have an obligation to help other people. Strictly speaking, that isn’t true. Do it anyway. It’s good for you.
6. Don’t be a miser when it comes to socks, toilet paper, or gifts for the people you care about. Sometimes people forget that they matter to you, and doing special things for them can remind them that the entire world isn’t always an infinite garbage dump that is constantly bursting into brand new unstoppable fires.
7. If you’ve never worked in the retail or service industries, keep your stupid mouth shut about the people who do. And clean up after yourself when you patronize their place of work, you great teeming mass of savage beasts, you.
8. At some point, if it hasn’t happened already, someone will make a terrible movie version of some toy or book or cartoon you loved as a child. Let it go. All those people who aren’t interested in seeing that movie? They’re even less interested in hearing you whine about it. And don’t you dare compare it to sexual assault. The minute you do that, you’re the villain.
9. Penultimately, and perhaps most importantly, as you make your way through this life, there is one thing I can advise you to do that I guarantee will help, and it is this: find a way to enjoy pizza. I know pretty much everyone has their own diet these days, and new culinary fads are always on the rise. I know that certain diets make this piece of advice difficult to follow. But try. It’s worth it.
10. Anyone who thinks the world needs their wisdom is probably not that wise. Be careful. Be mindful especially of anyone who thinks that age is a qualifier. Youth and ignorance are not necessarily the same. Remember, it’s mostly old stupid selfish fools who put us in the trouble we’re in right now.

That said, and with self awareness at full capacity, I reiterate: pizza.

There you have it, folks, another set of (dare I say it?) Johnmandments (I regret nothing.) Please go forth and spread this wisdom. Also, just as an aside, thanks to everyone again for the birthday wishes and so on, I really appreciate it. Oh, and in case anyone is wondering what to get me as a belated present of some kind, I never did get that Roomba. Don’t forget number 6, people.

-John

Petty Togetherness

I won’t pretend I have the right or insight to speak for anyone else, but I need a break from bearing witness to the betrayal being committed against us by our current federal administration. All satire aside, it’s just unbelievable to me how unabashedly selfish and thoughtless and even cruel the behavior being exhibited by our current leaders continues to be. Everyday, I check out the news and some middle aged white man in a tie is either being terrible, defending himself for being terrible, or walking around with an inexcusably smug smile on his face because he honestly doesn’t have enough awareness to understand how terrible he’s being.

That last one is happening more and more all the time, and let me tell you, friends and neighbors, there is simply no excuse for letting these people be in charge anymore. Of anything. Not even the ice cream machine at Mcdonald’s that already never works.

Anyway, I require a short intermission from the larger terrors that are ripping us apart, so instead I’d like to present to you a few smaller travesties that I think we can come together to oppose and eradicate. Perhaps we could consider it a warm up for the next round of elections.

For example, I have quite simply had enough of this whole post credits scene thing happening in movies right now. It was neat at first, hanging out in the theater, making fun of funny names as they scrolled up the screen, looking around to see if anyone was visibly uncomfortable because of how bad they had to pee, and then having one’s patience rewarded with a five to ten second clip of people having a conversation, or doing a thing, or whatever.

It was great for a little while, but then, I don’t know, after the third or fourth one, it became a bit more like a scheduled encore, or like when you throw a surprise party for an old person, except you don’t want them to have a heart attack so you tell them ahead of time so they can maybe take their medication early and then just act surprised so they don’t die at their own birthday party.

Can we all just agree that from now on, every movie is just a prequel for another movie, and then move that scene to before the credits? Or, even better, release it separately online somewhere, to keep people interested in whatever franchise is being created, remade, or rebooted at the moment. It could give the audience something to look forward to besides seeing the same trailer recut and reissued like it’s a new thing every other week.

Ideally, of course, we could try being satisfied with the movie itself, but this is America, and satisfaction isn’t something we’re really familiar with anymore. Outrage and schadenfreude, sure, but we’re not so great with the contentedness.

Oh, and before we move on from movies and their trailers, I would like to take just a second to thank all those trailers that basically just show me the whole movie in a two minute span. It’s helped me to avoid a great number of terrible movies I might otherwise have done myself the disservice of watching.

Okay, now on to the next piece of petty pestilence; I believe we could come together as a society to denounce and ostracize all of these full grown adult people who intentionally cut in line. What happened to these people? Where were they raised? What kind of irresponsible maniac would raise a person to think they didn’t have to follow even the most basic rules? Coffee shops, grocery stores, bank lines, you name it. Just walk on up and cut right in, like no one else is even there. And then, if you try to call them on it, they get all defensive, like they’re not evil personified, which they are.

Obviously.

I think it’s high time we instituted a rule, or perhaps even introduced another constitutional amendment, stating that anyone who knowingly cuts in line can instantly be pushed to the ground and trod upon by anyone who was already in line. We could even make an app, wherein one could hire a nearby strongman to do the pushing and holding down.

It would be like Lyft, except we could call it Shyove. Or something better. Anything better.

I’m pretty sure that if all reasonable people could come together to extinguish these two petty plagues, we could also take care of a bunch of other little ones, like people who leave grocery carts in the middle of the parking lot, or people who can’t chew with their mouths closed, or those ridiculous few who think it’s fine to replace all adjectives with curse words.

Look, cursing is an art form, people, and forcing others to listen to you do it so poorly is basically the same thing as insisting everyone needs to hear you sing “Danny Boy”, even though there is no music playing, and you’re in a movie theater, and the movie is really engaging, and you’re simultaneously playing the bagpipes for the very first time.

So once we manage to eliminate these small but important inconveniences from our lives, I think we can move up to more weighty things that people still somehow do or believe in, like the absurd notion that the Earth is flat, or the idea that creamy peanut butter is better than crunchy. I know it seems a farfetched goal at the moment, but honestly, aren’t we getting a little tired of all the advocates of acrimony we see everyday, doing their level best to keep us at each other’s throats? Like I said before, I know I can’t speak for everyone, but personally I’d feel a lot better if we could, just for maybe a week, come together as a whole and just agree on something.

Who knows, maybe we could one day, finally, in the not so distant future, stop “American Idol” from rebooting.

-John

Future Public

That’s right, friends and neighbors, your great leaders have done you yet another great service that shall truly reshape the digital age! They have heard and heeded our complaints about the overabundance of privacy that currently derides our digital existence. Once again displaying their fierce devotion to serving the ones who gave them their jobs, our attentive and security conscious leaders have finally freed us from the constraints of owning our own information. No longer shall we feel the burning lash of knowing who has our information and what they are doing with it! Open your arms everyone, and embrace this lack of knowledge and privacy!

The future: the less secure it looks, the brighter it’ll be.

Now, when great shifts in policy come along, one must take a moment to reflect on the even greater shift in our culture as a whole. Many people, as always, begin to feel nervous during big shifts like this one, as they perceive a violation of their personal freedom and right to privacy. This of course is an unnecessary worry, as this great shift was brought about by the very political party that always has, and no doubt always will, placed a very high value on security and freedom and privacy. What possible reason could they have for allowing the purchase of personal information about the people who voted them and their shift into office, other than to serve and protect those people?

Worry not, dear readers; we put them in charge, so obviously they wouldn’t so very literally sell us out.

Right?

The future: Nothing to fear, just a great big pile of shift.

Besides, what’s to fret over, really? So what if our social security numbers can be bought and sold like albums and movies! It’s not like anyone is out there just stealing those things from the internet every single second of every single day, without any repercussions at all, now is it? All that copyrighted material is totally safe and protected. What’s more, those are just products companies make their money off of, not actual real information that affects actual people, so obviously our leaders will work even harder to make sure everything stays above board.  

So what concern is it of ours if anyone with enough money can purchase access to our browser histories, and learn things about us even our closest friends and family members may not know? If one has nothing to hide from people with money, then one need not worry. And soon, no one will have anything to hide from people with money, so no one will have to worry.

The future: what safer hands could it be in, than people with money?

Just take a second and remind yourself, naysayers, that the people responsible for this have always been very, very vocal about the importance of security, and how we, as a nation, must protect ourselves from all threats, be they real or imaginary or completely and totally absurd. These are the people who want to build a wall along our entire southern border; these are the people who support deporting and even destroying an entire religious population, all for our safety. Obviously, this is a safe move and we can count on them. It’s not like anyone ever hacked into our systems and maybe screwed around with some very important things, any more than sensitive information gets leaked all the time from everywhere.

Totally didn’t happen, totally doesn’t happen, total witchhunt.  

Most important of all it is to remember, voters, that in just a little over a year, many of these congressional champions of personal liberty and freedom will once again be asking you for the opportunity to continue giving you services like this one. Remember what they’ve given you thus far, remember what strong reasons they had for giving it to you, and remember whose interests they have in mind. Don’t forget how your leaders represented you, and ignored completely all the warnings and worries of science and reason, and the rights of security and privacy, just so they could give it to you the very best that they could. Come election time, it’ll be your turn to give it to them, and your responsibility to make sure they really, really get it.

The future: you can give it to them, or you can really give it to them.

-John

St. John's Tips For Debate

    I know I'm a little behind, and in an effort to catch up, I have enlisted the aid of an old collaborator of mine, one who shoulders the weighty moniker of St. John the Amenable. For those of you who are unaware, his writing style tends to be a tad more aggressively antagonistic than my own subtly sarcastic and thoroughly gentle satire. Not that his language is crude or anything; he just doesn't share the all encompassing love I have for humanity as a whole.

    Because I totally love everyone, and I'll fight anyone who says different to the death. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, St. John The Amenable:

    Once again I find myself suddenly separated from solace, forced to to return my attention to the decaying state of language and communication that so many people insist on pursuing. Oh, would that I could delightedly inform you all that in my absence I harbored deep within my soul a hope that intellect would return and thrive, restoring our ability to communicate with one another in whole and actual words and perhaps even, one day on the distant horizon, the occasional correctly punctuated sentence.

    But informing of you of this would be deception, and such is not my design. Maintaining a hope of this magnitude is simply beyond my ken for a society whose president uses the non-word 'bigly.'

    Shame.

    I aim instead to unite you, as a people, as a culture, indeed as a nation, in a way our current federal employees cannot and, I suspect, would not do, were they even capable of such a feat. Mistake me not however, gentle reader, for an entity which seeks any conformity along political, social, or religious lines. I prefer to leave the idiotic pursuit of such foolishness to the televised talking haircuts with names like 'Tucker', whose voices -unlike mine- deserve to be lost and drowned in the very mire they create.

   In lieu of this chicanery, I proffer unto you a few tips for conducting yourselves more appropriately as you engage each other in that venerable and hallowed tradition known as Debate, for which I have a profound love and respect.  The proud tradition of Debate for centuries elevated our collective conscience; imagine my dismay to find it now so reduced to fragmented sentences composed of fully capitalized letters that do nothing so much as put on display the intolerance, ignorance, and illiteracy of their creators. I simply have too much reverence to allow such abuse to be foisted upon it by such a great number.

    For example, when one finds oneself engaged in a difference of opinion with another person, it does not do to assume that one and said other person share a deity, or follow the same dogma prescribed by that deity's followers. As such, making a statement from this dogma as though it is an undisputed fact does not make it so. It merely illustrates that one lacks any actual fact or proof to back up one's argument, and is basically saying, "for the Bible tells me so", which means one is basing arguments on a children's song, which is to say one has lost.

    One's religion is one's own, and one has no business whatsoever trying to force it on anyone else. One should stop doing that immediately, lest one be exposed and disregarded as a hateful and close-minded bigot.

     Additionally, if one finds oneself losing one's temper during a debate, it is recommended that one take a moment and calm down, so that one can respond like a grown adult, as opposed to resorting to name calling like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum. This habit has become particularly rampant, and I have personally witnessed both new insults like "snowflake", "libtard", and "trumpkins", but also the older chestnuts, perhaps chief among them that ultimate denunciation, "traitor." Utilizing these and similar terms is undeniably fun, but equally undeniably gives away one's lack of capacity for reason.

   As an aside, it should be mentioned that one should avoid calling others "snowflakes" when defending a person who is seemingly unable to handle any form of criticism at all. It is simple and basic hypocrisy, and as such should always be avoided in debate. Besides, it is an obviously weak route to embark upon when defending a person who is so clearly unable to accept or adapt to reality, govern effectively, communicate well, not commit felonies, or even properly eat a steak.

    Well done, and with ketchup? What manner of tasteless knavery is that?

    Finally, it is a sorry strategy and disgraceful deflection to dismiss facts and truths as "fake news" simply because one does not like how unbelievably stupid and narcissistic they prove one to be. It is a stronger person who can, when presented with evidence that debunks an idea or claim, acknowledge the mistake and adjust subsequent words and deeds accordingly. It is a weak and pathetic fool who blames others as poor sources of information, or makes baseless accusations of personal bias, or otherwise attempts to avoid the shame and guilt of being rightfully exposed as a fraud on every level.

    It is with a less than hopeful heart that I leave you now, knowing that despite my best efforts, many members of our more boisterous populace will continue to treat the great practice of Debate so poorly, as they do most other things they do not fully understand. I can only ask that the few of you who do value intelligent thought, and well reasoned argument, do not allow yourselves to be goaded into embarrassing shouting matches and written conversations that consist only of capitalized letters and monosyllabic words. Find real support for your arguments and search for real reasons to challenge them. Outmaneuver your adversaries with reason, and remember that when they turn red faced and condemn you for your sacrilegious ignorance and unpatriotic thoughts, they have admitted defeat and exposed themselves as fools.

    Remind yourself of this and, after they have stormed off in their huffy little red faced fit, take a moment to congratulate yourself on behaving like an adult.

    Also, just as a short post-script: "alternate facts" are lies. Any person who utilizes this phrase and expects to be taken seriously is a coward and a fraud, and likely lacks the required basic decency to even feel the shame he or she deserves.

    -St. John the Amenable