I know I'm a little behind, and in an effort to catch up, I have enlisted the aid of an old collaborator of mine, one who shoulders the weighty moniker of St. John the Amenable. For those of you who are unaware, his writing style tends to be a tad more aggressively antagonistic than my own subtly sarcastic and thoroughly gentle satire. Not that his language is crude or anything; he just doesn't share the all encompassing love I have for humanity as a whole.
Because I totally love everyone, and I'll fight anyone who says different to the death. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, St. John The Amenable:
Once again I find myself suddenly separated from solace, forced to to return my attention to the decaying state of language and communication that so many people insist on pursuing. Oh, would that I could delightedly inform you all that in my absence I harbored deep within my soul a hope that intellect would return and thrive, restoring our ability to communicate with one another in whole and actual words and perhaps even, one day on the distant horizon, the occasional correctly punctuated sentence.
But informing of you of this would be deception, and such is not my design. Maintaining a hope of this magnitude is simply beyond my ken for a society whose president uses the non-word 'bigly.'
Shame.
I aim instead to unite you, as a people, as a culture, indeed as a nation, in a way our current federal employees cannot and, I suspect, would not do, were they even capable of such a feat. Mistake me not however, gentle reader, for an entity which seeks any conformity along political, social, or religious lines. I prefer to leave the idiotic pursuit of such foolishness to the televised talking haircuts with names like 'Tucker', whose voices -unlike mine- deserve to be lost and drowned in the very mire they create.
In lieu of this chicanery, I proffer unto you a few tips for conducting yourselves more appropriately as you engage each other in that venerable and hallowed tradition known as Debate, for which I have a profound love and respect. The proud tradition of Debate for centuries elevated our collective conscience; imagine my dismay to find it now so reduced to fragmented sentences composed of fully capitalized letters that do nothing so much as put on display the intolerance, ignorance, and illiteracy of their creators. I simply have too much reverence to allow such abuse to be foisted upon it by such a great number.
For example, when one finds oneself engaged in a difference of opinion with another person, it does not do to assume that one and said other person share a deity, or follow the same dogma prescribed by that deity's followers. As such, making a statement from this dogma as though it is an undisputed fact does not make it so. It merely illustrates that one lacks any actual fact or proof to back up one's argument, and is basically saying, "for the Bible tells me so", which means one is basing arguments on a children's song, which is to say one has lost.
One's religion is one's own, and one has no business whatsoever trying to force it on anyone else. One should stop doing that immediately, lest one be exposed and disregarded as a hateful and close-minded bigot.
Additionally, if one finds oneself losing one's temper during a debate, it is recommended that one take a moment and calm down, so that one can respond like a grown adult, as opposed to resorting to name calling like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum. This habit has become particularly rampant, and I have personally witnessed both new insults like "snowflake", "libtard", and "trumpkins", but also the older chestnuts, perhaps chief among them that ultimate denunciation, "traitor." Utilizing these and similar terms is undeniably fun, but equally undeniably gives away one's lack of capacity for reason.
As an aside, it should be mentioned that one should avoid calling others "snowflakes" when defending a person who is seemingly unable to handle any form of criticism at all. It is simple and basic hypocrisy, and as such should always be avoided in debate. Besides, it is an obviously weak route to embark upon when defending a person who is so clearly unable to accept or adapt to reality, govern effectively, communicate well, not commit felonies, or even properly eat a steak.
Well done, and with ketchup? What manner of tasteless knavery is that?
Finally, it is a sorry strategy and disgraceful deflection to dismiss facts and truths as "fake news" simply because one does not like how unbelievably stupid and narcissistic they prove one to be. It is a stronger person who can, when presented with evidence that debunks an idea or claim, acknowledge the mistake and adjust subsequent words and deeds accordingly. It is a weak and pathetic fool who blames others as poor sources of information, or makes baseless accusations of personal bias, or otherwise attempts to avoid the shame and guilt of being rightfully exposed as a fraud on every level.
It is with a less than hopeful heart that I leave you now, knowing that despite my best efforts, many members of our more boisterous populace will continue to treat the great practice of Debate so poorly, as they do most other things they do not fully understand. I can only ask that the few of you who do value intelligent thought, and well reasoned argument, do not allow yourselves to be goaded into embarrassing shouting matches and written conversations that consist only of capitalized letters and monosyllabic words. Find real support for your arguments and search for real reasons to challenge them. Outmaneuver your adversaries with reason, and remember that when they turn red faced and condemn you for your sacrilegious ignorance and unpatriotic thoughts, they have admitted defeat and exposed themselves as fools.
Remind yourself of this and, after they have stormed off in their huffy little red faced fit, take a moment to congratulate yourself on behaving like an adult.
Also, just as a short post-script: "alternate facts" are lies. Any person who utilizes this phrase and expects to be taken seriously is a coward and a fraud, and likely lacks the required basic decency to even feel the shame he or she deserves.
-St. John the Amenable
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