The John of Rights, Part II

     As we reach the end of this ridiculous and unbelievable year, it occurs to me that far too many people have either passed, tried to pass, or are now hoping to pass, a gross and awful mess of terrible laws. When these human gems aren’t doing that, they are doing their very best to destroy a bunch of pretty good laws for the worthwhile sake of petty spite. That being the case, I thought it was high time I added a few of my own amendments to the original John of Rights. So, friends and neighbors, I present to you the John of Rights Part II: the Ten Johnmendments (alternate subtitle: Electric BoogaJohn.)
     Johnmendment the First: All pay gaps are hereby abolished, as are any laws that discriminate against any gender, congenital or otherwise, in any way. Any person, or persons, or corporations, found to be in violation of this Johnmendment will be replaced by Christopher Plummer, or a delegate of his choosing. If Mr. Plummer is busy, uninterested, or otherwise unavailable, the author of this document will pick someone else. Further, the aforementioned violator will be barred from holding public office or using social media, because the people are frankly tired of putting up with these monsters.
     Also, anyone who refuses to acknowledge the existence of the pay gap, or pretends not to know what the author is referring to, is to be immediately fired.
     Johnmendment the Second: Any person found to be reading a book in public, at any time, shall not be interrupted or bothered. This includes all parks, methods of public transportation, air and water vehicles, and swimming pools. Excuses for violating this Johnmendment do not include intoxication or being attracted to said person, so unless said interruption is professionally or personally necessitated (and here we mean said reader might die otherwise), leave them alone. One attempt may be made to acquire the attention of said reader, but any subsequent attempt will be considered a violation of this Johnmendment, and the offender will be legally prohibited from speaking for no less than three full days following the offense.
     This Johnmendment also applies to people with headphones on, because everyone knows that’s the only reason people really wear those things anyway.
     Johnmendment the Third: Any person, or persons, running for or holding political office at any level, is henceforth prohibited from resorting to name calling in order to belittle those who disagree with or run against them. Such practice is now formally recognized as childish and lacking of any worthwhile qualities. Any person found to be in violation will be disqualified from running or removed from office. At the time of this writing, ours is one of the most significant nations on this planet, and as such deserves a better quality of discourse from its leaders. The author of this document, by the way, is embarrassed for all of us that this even needs to be an actual law. But here we are.
     Johnmendment the Fourth: All chewing, be it of gum or food or what have you, shall now be done with closed mouths, like civilized human beings, and not cows. The sound it makes is heretofore recognized as unbearable, and violators are to have whatever contents they are masticating slapped from their mouths as soon as possible with no opportunity for recompense of any kind. It is recognized that the practice of open mouth chewing may not pose a significant threat to the future of the world or its people, but stop it anyway, already.
     Johnmendment the Fifth: Any person, or persons, deemed unfit to enter a public shopping mall for any reason, shall also not be allowed to campaign for or hold public office. This rule is to be put into place due to the apparent fact that some people don’t understand how that is instantly obvious. The author of this document would like to take a momentary sidebar to explain:
     Are you kidding me? Everyone can go into a shopping mall! You know the only people who can’t go into shopping malls? They’re the ones who also can’t even go into that one super gross Hardee’s anymore because they yell at employees and don’t clean up after themselves, the ones who actually call the numbers scrawled in the public restroom stalls, the ones who spit on the floor when they don’t have their outrageous demands met.
     People who don’t understand that other human beings matter.
     People for whom anyone should be embarrassed to vote.
     Moving on.
     Johnmendment the Sixth: All shopping carts are to returned to their designated place by the person who used them once said person has fulfilled their need for said cart. Shopping carts are not to left in empty parking spots, in front of doorways, halfway hooked into flower and tree beds, or any other location they have no business leaving the aforementioned cart. Said behavior is heretofore recognized as thoughtless and rude, and offenders will be harangued and chased by the store employees who were previously responsible for rounding up all the stray shopping carts.
     Johnmendment the Seventh: Any and all attempts to repeal or limit Net Neutrality are hereby permanently null, because the greatest tool for communication, ridiculous and silly and outright terrible as it may sometimes be, should not be controlled by money driven interests of any kind. This Johnmendment will be kept short and simple, because this issue simply is not that complicated.
     Johnmendment the Eighth: Those people who are utilizing elevators, escalators, buses, and all similar public methods of conveyance, are to be allowed to exit said method of conveyance before others begin to board. Those waiting to board are to keep the points of egress of said conveyance clear until all passengers who wish to exit have done so. This Johnmendment is actually pretty simple as well, and as such those who violate it will be pushed down and trod upon.
     Johnmendment the Ninth: From this day forward, any and all professional sports organizations are required to pay for their own stadiums and facilities, instead of expecting to have tax money devoted to it. Owners of these organizations are not allowed to demand or even accept special favors from the city to entice said owners to bring said organizations to said city. Violators of this Johnmendment will have their organization taken away from them and given over to a city elected committee to run instead, and said owners will have to take their ball and go home.
     Johnmendment the Tenth: From this day forward, any and all proposed laws, statutes, and public policies must be grounded in real and actual reason, and not in religious belief or emotional fervor. While the author of this document recognizes the right of all people to have faith in the deity of their choosing and practice said faith in whatever manner they choose that does not harm other creatures, it is not acknowledged that those beliefs should be used to govern.
     This Johnmendment is put in place to discourage people from thinking they have the right to ruin the lives of others simply because a different belief system. It is placed as tenth in this document with the intention that it be enacted the day after the previous nine, so that the author of this document does not have to go back and give sound scientific reasoning for making people chew with their mouths closed.
     Here ends the next ten additions to the John of Rights, aimed to the best of my ability to bring peace and justice to the world. I know a lot of people may not like all of them, but after all the insane stuff I’ve had to sit here and witness over the past year, I think I ought to at least be able to read book in peace once in a while.

-John