Quite recently, and against all advice from my elders, I decided to increase the number of years I have been alive to a robust thirty-six. What this means, aside from very little in the grand scheme of things, is that it is once again time for me to impart some of my acquired wisdom to those earthly inhabitants who have yet to achieve an equal number of years and/or level of wisdom. This year in particular it seems necessary, as wisdom is quite clearly in short supply. So read on and educate thyselves, friends and neighbors!
- There are a lot of terrible, hateful, anger fueled goings on going on right now, and it often seems like the people currently in charge are intentionally ignoring it and indeed making it worse. This has happened before, and it is sad and difficult every time, and also, they eventually lose. Don’t let this time be the exception.
- No one has ever learned anything useful from internet comments. Avoid reading and writing them. Go out and do something useful instead.
- Always try new foods. Also, have something nearby to wash out your mouth if necessary, because some foods are gross.
- Many of the people doing the despicable things mentioned in item number one are using religious dogma to rationalize and justify their actions. Don’t believe them. They’re not holy; they’re not righteous. They’re the same manipulative, ruinous, self-serving people all of those messiahs and prophets came here to warn us against. No god worth following ever advocates hate or discrimination, and if you take nothing else from this piece, please remember that. Though you should definitely take more. 1 and 4 are pretty good I think, and wait ‘til you take a gander at 6, 9, and 10.
- A lot of people believe you have an obligation to help other people. Strictly speaking, that isn’t true. Do it anyway. It’s good for you.
- Don’t be a miser when it comes to socks, toilet paper, or gifts for the people you care about. Sometimes people forget that they matter to you, and doing special things for them can remind them that the entire world isn’t always an infinite garbage dump that is constantly bursting into brand new unstoppable fires.
- If you’ve never worked in the retail or service industries, keep your stupid mouth shut about the people who do. And clean up after yourself when you patronize their place of work, you great teeming mass of savage beasts, you.
- At some point, if it hasn’t happened already, someone will make a terrible movie version of some toy or book or cartoon you loved as a child. Let it go. All those people who aren’t interested in seeing that movie? They’re even less interested in hearing you whine about it. And don’t you dare compare it to sexual assault. The minute you do that, you’re the villain.
- Penultimately, and perhaps most importantly, as you make your way through this life, there is one thing I can advise you to do that I guarantee will help, and it is this: find a way to enjoy pizza. I know pretty much everyone has their own diet these days, and new culinary fads are always on the rise. I know that certain diets make this piece of advice difficult to follow. But try. It’s worth it.
- Anyone who thinks the world needs their wisdom is probably not that wise. Be careful. Be mindful especially of anyone who thinks that age is a qualifier. Youth and ignorance are not necessarily the same. Remember, it’s mostly old stupid selfish fools who put us in the trouble we’re in right now.
That said, and with self awareness at full capacity, I reiterate: pizza.
There you have it, folks, another set of (dare I say it?) Johnmandments (I regret nothing.) Please go forth and spread this wisdom. Also, just as an aside, thanks to everyone again for the birthday wishes and so on, I really appreciate it. Oh, and in case anyone is wondering what to get me as a belated present of some kind, I never did get that Roomba. Don’t forget number 6, people.
-John
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