Declaration Day 2020

      I don't even know if it's possible to properly summarize what this year has been, what it's done to so many. The way it seems to have made some conscious choice to polarize us and highlight our differences so persistently, so ruthlessly, it's just left so many people angry and afraid and lonely. Sure, we got a nice little light at the end of this tunnel in November, but there's a lot of tunnel left to go, and no reason to believe we'll be at the end of it just because the numbers of Anno Dominis goes up by one.

     Which gives us all the more reason to remember that today is Declaration Day! A refresher is written out below for those of you read it, and I hope everyone who takes part does so from a place of kindness. Said refresher begins henceforth: 

     It is hereby proposed that, instead of trying to reclaim an existing holiday, most of which have been either destroyed by consumerism and greed or ruined by more accurate accounts of history, we make up a new one, which takes place on the Twelfth of December. This day shall be known as Declaration Day, and shall work thusly:

     There are no gifts, no big meals, no dying plants to decorate or terrible songs to sing. There is no affiliated religion or deity to worship (though I'd be willing to listen to some prayers, as long as they are juicy), and there are no special outfits. All you must do to participate is tell one, just one, person you care about a real, honest thing. No sugar coating either; just plain simple truth.
     And it can't be something easy, like telling a significant other "I love you", or telling a best friend they are really important to you. Tell them something you wouldn't normally tell them.
     Now, just a couple of rules, which I get to make, because I invented the holiday (hence the earlier implication that prayers be sent to me.)
     1) This truth may not be conveyed via any medium that does not allow for immediate response. The point of this holiday is accurate, honest, real communication, and I have learned over the years that removing the possibility of response often instills crudity and meanness. So in order to maintain genuine sincerity and vulnerability, face to face is best (except not this year.) An actual phone call or video chat is permitted if circumstances require it. Text communication is henceforth deemed acceptable, however all messages must be re-read twice and closely scrutinized for potential misunderstanding.
     2) Any person to whom a truth is delivered is automatically allowed to dispense a truth in return. So, if your decision is to finally tell that coworker everyone knows about their Filet-O-Fish addiction, they will be allowed to tell you that everyone knows you eat your toenail clippings, provided both statements are true. This provision is in place not to keep one from expressing an honest opinion, but only to maintain balance. No one wants some dummy just walking around telling people what's wrong with them. Also, bear in mind, if you decide to only convey the, let's say, unkind thoughts in your head, people are going to notice, and eventually you'll end up with less people in your life to complain about than you might want, with only your misery for company.
     So try not to be a jerk about it. Just take a little brain power away from who on your gift list would like that neat-o tea kettle (everyone who wants one has one already), try not to think about what to wear to the office holiday party (skip it. Just skip it; who even cares?) and let your mind come up with something you can tell someone that really, really matters. Anything, for anyone, as long as it's not a commercial for diamonds or toys.

     Good luck with it, and as the creator of Declaration Day, I shall as ever kick things off with something for all of you:

    I know I haven't made a lot of posts this year, for various reasons (exhaustion mostly), and I know a lot of people have likely forgotten this thing even exists. I wanted to make a point of putting something up for Declaration Day though, because aside from how people should buy me a robot vacuum, it's one of the handful of things I've done here that I think could actually make a lasting difference on some level. So thank you to those of you who take a few minutes to participate in it every year.

-John  

Birthday Advice, Year 39

I recently became a thirty nine year old person or, in what would once be a maudlin joke but in this ominous timeline is more an optimistic estimation, am now about halfway done. It’s funny in a dark sort of way to grow up hearing old people tell me not to get old, and now here I am hoping to get the opportunity to reach that Doddering Old Fool phase of my life. 

I’m going to be thoroughly disappointed if the dangerously doltish decisions of others prevent me from getting to a point wherein I get to walk around with a cane and mutter loudly about the idiots surrounding me. Obviously I do that already, but not with a cane and, let’s be honest, my hair is going to look amazing all silver gray and wavy.

Anyway, self absorbed daydreams aside, this is also the time of year I try to pass on a bit of what I’ve learned in self absorbed reality, so: 

1) Clean up after yourself. It’s just good manners. Change your mind about buying that ice cream? Put it back in the freezer, don’t just leave it to melt all over the salted snack cracker treats. I know it’s a long walk back to the other side of the store, but do the stockperson a favor and put your stuff back already, you monsters. Same goes for visiting other peoples’ homes. At least offer to put your glass away instead of just leaving it on the side table as though you were some feral child.

2) Don’t get tricked into hating yourself. Strive for improvement, sure, but don’t punish yourself for not being perfect. That’s why we created gods: so we could blame ourselves on them.

3) Once in a while, do yourself a favor and check in on your side. It’s good to have a point of view and believe in things, but it’s disturbingly easy to get caught up in the currents of an ideological river. It’s that kind of momentum that has people believing they’re saved and protected by Jesus as they curse at and cage the children of refugees from other countries.

4) Pairing with the previous number, remember that the bully on your side is harder to spot than the one lined up with the opposition, but both of them will drag you down in the end.

5) Patience and forgiveness are two of the hardest things to learn and apply. Try anyway. If and when you fail, read #2 and try again.

6) Save your money. I know you’ve all heard this already. You’ve been told most of the things you find yourself wanting just end up being another thing you own and have to pack up when you move. You’ve been told to save for retirement, for emergencies, for whatever. What you may not have been told is that unfortunately, money is the only real voice a person gets anymore, so be careful what you say with it.

7) Stop using the word ‘extreme’ for everything. I recently became aware of a show called “Extreme Unboxing”, wherein people buy mysterious boxes of unknown items for low, low prices in the hopes of finding treasure. I have subsequently given up all hope of humankind’s linguistic redemption. And general redemption.

8) Don’t look for a hero. Find yourself a good teacher instead. They’re better at answering questions.

9) Find something that gives you real, actual joy. Not the satisfaction of knowing you’re right, not the smugness of feeling superior, not a self indulgence you’ll feel guilty about afterwards, but an honest to blessed innocence joy. Re-read your favorite book, play your favorite album again, write a handwritten letter to your favorite person telling them why they hold such a lofty position in your life (that’s a really good one, by the way.)

10) If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, and I’ll say it again and again and again: Chew. With. Your mouth. Closed. I can’t even believe this is still a thing. How in the name of Lincoln can this still be a thing? Who raised these people? What IQ test must they fail in order to be permitted to persist in such behavior and not get the food slapped right out of their face by some heroically selfless do gooder and left staring on, jaw hanging agape and drooling as they wonder in selfish ignorance why they’ve been so needlessly victimized? Shame on whatever gods created them.

Now then. Where’s my cane?

- John

A Quick Distraction

     So. First off, I know it’s been a while, but I’ve been working on something with a slightly larger scale to it, and that’s been taking up most of my word spitting time and energy. Second off, everything is terrible right now, and I’m absolutely overflowing with dissatisfaction over government behavior, corporate policy, and all the flaws, ineptitudes, and outright corruption being put on display. Third off, everybody already knows about that stuff, so I figure I’ll go in a different direction and maybe provide a small distraction for a few minutes of your indefinite isolation. Ready? Let’s go!
     Have you ever found out, basically out of nowhere, that you’ve been pronouncing a word incorrectly your entire life? I think almost everyone I know has. For me it was ‘subsequently.’ I happened to utter it within earshot of someone whose first exposure to it had been auditory -unlike me- and knew to apply the emphasis to the correct syllable. We had a great big back and forth over it, both of us wondering if maybe the other person was right because we respected each other enough to not make assumptions of self righteousness, and then did the research required to prove me the fool of the hour.
     That kind of stuff is always interesting to me, and I’ve found the discussions it brings about often lead to more open lines of communication, and subsequently healthier relationships and people. Not that I’m trying to draw any connections or create an allegory about being open to correction and committed to communication in order to seek truth. Not me.
      It’s also fun when a person finds out they’ve been saying a word incorrectly, and instead of adapting, they stick to it, and just keep saying ‘new-cue-lar’ or ‘real-la-ter’ no matter how many people point out the erroneous enunciation, either vocally or just by making that face people make. You know the one, when one side of their face kind of scrunches up because their mind just did like a mini whiplash double take sort of thing, and they need an extra second to make sense out of the familiar but unclear utterance.
     How many of you just did a practice run of that face, acting it out for yourself to see if that’s what you do in those moments? It is my dearest momentary hope that at least one of you got caught doing it, had to explain yourself to someone, and they subsequently made that face at you for being a weirdo.
     There’s nothing wrong with being a weirdo, by the way. If someone doesn’t make that face at you at least once in a while, there’s a pretty good chance you’re not having any fun.
     Just don’t confuse it with that face people make when you’re being annoying or offensive. They’re not the same face. That first one, the whiplash double take one, is quick to come and usually quick to go. That other one often sticks around for a while, and the sooner you recognize it and shut up the better. Trust me, as a person who has spent a lot of time in arguments where people made that face before calling me a blasphemer or, god forbid, a liberal, at that point they’re not listening to you anymore, and you’re just wasting your time.
     Okay, I’m going to stop there, because the thoughts I mentioned in the intro are clearly starting to leak through, and I need a break. Until next time, friends and neighbors, keep your hands clean and your face untouched.
-John

Burgers of Virtue!

So I just watched a commercial from a popular American fast food purveyor, wherein their signature burger is placed on a pedestal and allowed to decompose for thirty days in front of a video camera. By the end, the sandwich has become all moldy and gross, proving that there is a way to make their food less appetizing. Or at least that’s what I thought, but as it happens they did this to demonstrate that the fast food purveyor in question is going to stop using artificial ingredients in their signature hamburger.
In essence, any day now, one of America’s top food merchants will begin selling actual food. No more will their customers be subjected to artificial preservatives and food substitutes they’ve been gulping down for who knows how many decades. From now on, there shall be only real food that will spoil if left uneaten! Let us all rejoice in these new heights of customer service and satisfaction!
Pay no attention to the begged question of what in the dark and twisted world of maniacal fast food science has been wrapped in paper and served on plastic trays before now; focus only on this benevolent choice! Let it be clear: this wondrous corporate entity has heard the voice of the people as it cried out for healthy food made not from salted petroleum, but instead real and natural food items. Also dwell not on how meaningless the term “natural” is in the corporate world. Only bask in the rare and glorious warmth of corporate acknowledgement, such a rare and (all natural) honey-sweet delicacy!
This wondrous epiphany of a television advertisement came as a true inspiration, pushing me to envision an even more fantastical world, one in which all corporate entities are so forthright and honest. Picture, should you dare, a universe constructed of health insurance providers that actually ensure affordable healthcare, or wherein privately owned vehicle manufacturers make a point of building planes that do not explode, or, if i might lead you all on a journey of true and pure fantasy, deciding to no longer sell poison disguised as food is treated not as a novel and heroic deed, but as a basic and commonly utilized practice.
I know, friends and neighbors, “wish in one hand” and so forth, but it does seem awfully back to front that so many aspects of our daily lives treat honesty and sincerity as a surprise.  This year in particular seems a good one for raising awareness of this, given the myriad tipping points on the fast approaching horizon. It seems many people have accepted this “post-truth” reality where scientifically and historically proven things are being thrown away so easily, and nonsensical ideas gain momentum and are allowed to spread like the Measles.
Wouldn’t it be an amazing thing though, to use this weird little burger chain commercial as a jumping off point, an odd and thoroughly ridiculous - and thus somehow perfect - place to start demanding reason and authenticity of those who would raise their voice enough to be heard? From these overcooked and offensively tasteless hamburgers, we could rebuild our crumbling society into one of virtue. Someday, generations from now, kids the nation over could sit down with their kids’ meal toys and rejoice over high quality foodstuffs and principles both. We could even bring back the term “Freedom Fries” and have it not be embarrassingly pathetic!
Okay. Maybe not that last bit. But you get it.
-John

The Future Isn't Now!

Well, it’s 2020, and the future is here. Self-driving cars and trucks, wars being fought -and started- with robots, VR gaming setups, and all kinds of fancy gadgets that would have our ancestors burning, stoning, and drowning us for practicing witchcraft. And yet, somehow, we still find ourselves inundated with out of date behaviors and objects, things that should have long ago gone the way of our children’s future, and yet they persist in their pestilence. Problems that, by any practical measurement, should have been solved long before we figured out how to put cartoon dog ears on pictures of ourselves.
     I started thinking about this the other day when, due to occupational obligations, I was forced to make a phone call using a land based phone line. The area code attached to the number I needed to dial was unfamiliar to me, and thus I assumed I would be required to dial a ‘1’ before dialing the number itself, an odd process used to dial long distance numbers. Now, one might be thinking that I’m about to lament how we’ve failed to overcome the need for dialing ‘1’, but one would be wrong about that one. Instead, I am personally bereft at how, as happened to me, the lovely robotic female voice interrupts the call to inform one that it is not necessary for one to dial ‘1’ when calling this number, and then hangs up on one.
     What I want to know is, how have we not managed to patch up our phone system so that instead of hanging up on us and forcing us to redial, it just dials the number and leaves us to our phone call? We have refrigerators that autocorrect the shopping list we type into the smart screen installed on the door before sending the list to our phones, so why in the name of Jacob Perkins am I still required to listen to this robot lady tell me I’m a fool and then rudely hang up on me?
     Speaking of things I’m tired of hearing, how are we not beyond chewing gum? I know it’s not necessarily a technology thing, but come on, there has to be a better solution to breath freshening than chewing on a wad of semi-edible rubber that tastes like mint for 3 minutes and then like nothing until you finally remember you can spit it out and be done with it. Surely we can invent something that people won’t chew on with their flapping maws and make some of the sloppiest, slobberiest audial nightmares in the history of the universe. Just thinking about it makes me irritatingly tense.
     Though, I have to admit, not as tense as the last thing I want to bring up today, which is spam email. I’m pretty sick of how I can’t visit a website, read an article, or, in an even creepier invasion of privacy, physically go somewhere without getting all kinds of “special offers” in my electronic mailbox. I know privacy is a thing of the past, and there are ad blockers and spam blockers one can buy, yes. And that’s great. But my notion is this: I shouldn’t have to pay money to get rid of a thing I never wanted in the first place. This, by the way, is also a decent argument for universal healthcare, but I digress. I’m tired of having to empty out my junk box everyday; that junkbox is for unimportant things real people send me, not your stupid “15% off your next pair of jeans, after purchasing five at regular price”, or “free shipping on all orders over $250”, or whatever version of “give us more money” you’ve cooked up this week, okay? If I want to buy your junk, I have the entire internet to help me figure out how. And if I’ve already bought some of your junk, I obviously know where to get it, so stop bothering me.
     At the very least, we should be able to look up exactly who sells our data to whom, so we can decide who gets it in the first place. Or start forwarding our spam to them, so those leeches can see what it’s like.
     Anyway. I’m just saying that if we’ve managed to get ourselves to the point of jetpacks -they exist now, look for yourself- we should at least be able to knock out a few of these minor cultural defects that take our valuable time away from making our direction apps sound like famous people.
-John