I recently became a thirty nine year old person or, in what would once be a maudlin joke but in this ominous timeline is more an optimistic estimation, am now about halfway done. It’s funny in a dark sort of way to grow up hearing old people tell me not to get old, and now here I am hoping to get the opportunity to reach that Doddering Old Fool phase of my life.
I’m going to be thoroughly disappointed if the dangerously doltish decisions of others prevent me from getting to a point wherein I get to walk around with a cane and mutter loudly about the idiots surrounding me. Obviously I do that already, but not with a cane and, let’s be honest, my hair is going to look amazing all silver gray and wavy.
Anyway, self absorbed daydreams aside, this is also the time of year I try to pass on a bit of what I’ve learned in self absorbed reality, so:
1) Clean up after yourself. It’s just good manners. Change your mind about buying that ice cream? Put it back in the freezer, don’t just leave it to melt all over the salted snack cracker treats. I know it’s a long walk back to the other side of the store, but do the stockperson a favor and put your stuff back already, you monsters. Same goes for visiting other peoples’ homes. At least offer to put your glass away instead of just leaving it on the side table as though you were some feral child.
2) Don’t get tricked into hating yourself. Strive for improvement, sure, but don’t punish yourself for not being perfect. That’s why we created gods: so we could blame ourselves on them.
3) Once in a while, do yourself a favor and check in on your side. It’s good to have a point of view and believe in things, but it’s disturbingly easy to get caught up in the currents of an ideological river. It’s that kind of momentum that has people believing they’re saved and protected by Jesus as they curse at and cage the children of refugees from other countries.
4) Pairing with the previous number, remember that the bully on your side is harder to spot than the one lined up with the opposition, but both of them will drag you down in the end.
5) Patience and forgiveness are two of the hardest things to learn and apply. Try anyway. If and when you fail, read #2 and try again.
6) Save your money. I know you’ve all heard this already. You’ve been told most of the things you find yourself wanting just end up being another thing you own and have to pack up when you move. You’ve been told to save for retirement, for emergencies, for whatever. What you may not have been told is that unfortunately, money is the only real voice a person gets anymore, so be careful what you say with it.
7) Stop using the word ‘extreme’ for everything. I recently became aware of a show called “Extreme Unboxing”, wherein people buy mysterious boxes of unknown items for low, low prices in the hopes of finding treasure. I have subsequently given up all hope of humankind’s linguistic redemption. And general redemption.
8) Don’t look for a hero. Find yourself a good teacher instead. They’re better at answering questions.
9) Find something that gives you real, actual joy. Not the satisfaction of knowing you’re right, not the smugness of feeling superior, not a self indulgence you’ll feel guilty about afterwards, but an honest to blessed innocence joy. Re-read your favorite book, play your favorite album again, write a handwritten letter to your favorite person telling them why they hold such a lofty position in your life (that’s a really good one, by the way.)
10) If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, and I’ll say it again and again and again: Chew. With. Your mouth. Closed. I can’t even believe this is still a thing. How in the name of Lincoln can this still be a thing? Who raised these people? What IQ test must they fail in order to be permitted to persist in such behavior and not get the food slapped right out of their face by some heroically selfless do gooder and left staring on, jaw hanging agape and drooling as they wonder in selfish ignorance why they’ve been so needlessly victimized? Shame on whatever gods created them.
Now then. Where’s my cane?
- John
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