Once again, we find our righteous path beset on all sides by enemies of the people! Despite the valiant and noble efforts of our gold bedecked idol of a president, the list of threats to our great nation seems to grow unabated. Not only must we guard against the severe and never ending threat of foreign terror, with attacks so frequent that one could almost believe that some of them might even be made up, but now even the press is our enemy! We must be wary of this Opposition Party, doing all this meddling under the guise of "caring about the truth" and “wanting actual answers.” Not to mention all those “smart” people, using irrelevant things like history and logic to create totally fake and not real connections between the actions taken by our current administration and certain less than beloved leaders of the past.
It really is quite disrespectful of them.
Look, I understand that after so many years of living under the threat of foreign terror, many people are getting a little weary of hearing about it. Further, I understand that all the homegrown terrorists, what with their own radical (Christian) beliefs and all too ready to kill and die for their cause philosophy, are hard to ignore. But it's important to remember, these (Christian) terrorists are our terrorists, and their automatic weapons are our automatic weapons, and no matter how many people they kill, they are nowhere near as scary as the (Muslim) terrorists that are all the way on the other (Muslim) side of the world. Let me tell you something for nothing: just because a thing hasn't happened in a while doesn't mean you shouldn't live in constant fear of it and let it override everything about your way of life, okay?
Besides, theirs is a case of mental illness, so taking any steps to prevent them from murdering large amounts of people at a time would be an infringement of their rights, and we simply can’t have that.
Speaking of things we can’t have, it is also of the utmost importance that we remind our news media sources that their primary obligation is to manipulate the audience however the government tells them to, not to embarrass said government by exposing their ignorance, selfishness, and deceits. If anyone really cared about that nonsense, they’d be protesting, shouting at legislators during town hall meetings, and generally going nuts on the internet, which is totally not happening. If the Opposition Party Press insists on continuing so unchecked and keeping us so overly informed, they may find themselves in even more trouble than they are now. Their ratings are already so low, what with no one watching or caring about what they have to say. I mean, there are only what, like 100 cable channels? Clearly a floundering and obsolete industry, already on its way out. Even Fox News, that venerable news source, once so trusted and lauded by all as a beacon of equitable and unbiased reporting, now seems bent on picking out every little felony or treasonous act. Who could have thought things could be so bad?
And as for all of those people who feel like they just have to keep on haranguing us with comparisons to tyrannic despots of yore, well, how about you try saying nothing for a while? Sure, we're trying to enact a massive deportation of lots of certain kinds of people, but that's just for national security. Yeah, we want to build a wall to keep more kinds of people out, but that's just to protect our economy and culture and belongings and women. It's not to promote enmity or xenophobia or anything. And of course we want the Opposition Party Press to shut up, but that’s only because they won’t stop illustrating how wrong we are all the time about everything! None of that stuff really matters anyway, as long as we remember that just because extreme nationalism, religious manipulation, cronyism, and oppression of the press have always led to terrible problems and frequent national crises before doesn't mean they will this time.
Just be afraid and distrustful of everyone who isn't us, and everything will work out fine. Okay?
-John
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