A Toast to Better Health

 
     Mercy on a rice cake, we're a fat country, aren't we? You know we are, because every couple of months or so, there's another new diet that everyone needs to get on. Not to mention all those people talking about how fat we are, and what they can do for us to help obatin that summer body we're all so desperately in need of but thoroughly incapable of obtaining for ourselves. I mean, it's been made pretty clear to all of us at this point that the only thing keeping us from true happiness, even keeping the planet from achieving universal harmony, is a flat stomach and a three minute mile, right?
     And it's not like we don't try. Acai berry smoothie after juice cleanse after cave man diet after legal versions of speed pills, we spend -and I actually looked this up- somewhere in the neighborhood of $35 billion a year on diet products. That's a lot of big tubs of powder with words like 'creatine' and 'mass' on them, right there. Unfortunately, none of it works, because sweaty people in workout clothes are always showing up on TV and letting us know that we're still too fat and generally terrible. Of course, their credibility is instantly ruined, because they always end up trying to sell us something with their picture on it. Sure, we still buy it, due to a need to support our economy along with moments of personal weakness, but we know by now that none of it works. In our clogged and suffering hearts, we know.
     But where does that leave us, the as yet overweight and thus isolated from true happiness general public? Whatever are we to do, if all provided options turn out to be worthless, and we have no recourse which we can undertake on our own?
     And here, friends and neighbors, is where we at JohnCo. ride in, shiny not with sweat from a hard work out, but with the knowledge of exactly what we all want, which is a fun and easy solution that requires surprisingly little effort.
     Oh yes, we've got an plan, and it just might be the answer to all of our prayers. It's something we've been developing for years, as have many of you, even though you may not have put it together just yet. Please, allow us here at JohnCo. to fill in those gaps, and then we can all finally, at long last, achieve that special nirvana reserved only for the physical fit.
     It's called the Hangover Weight Management System, and right about now many of you are beginning to understand exactly how you've already been working on it for years. Welcome aboard. Here's how it works:
     First, you have to start getting really drunk. Like really drunk. This is the fun part, so be sure to enjoy it. Watch out for walls though, both the metaphorical kind that runners hit, and actual walls. They get tricky sometimes. You are of course free to use any kind of alcohol to reach this state, but quantity is key here in order to reach maximum efficiency. Don't listen to that voice in your head -or behind the bar- telling you it's okay to slow down. This is the voice of laziness and defeat, the voice of cowardice. Ignore it.
     By now, if you've followed the instructions correctly, you are highly intoxicated. An unfortunate side effect of this is that you will want to eat things that are terrible. Fortunately, you will soon see that this diet plan contains a way to take care of that, so by all means, eat up. However, you must also consume at least three more beers. Beers in the Hangover Weight Management System are admittedly like those nutrition shakes in other so called 'diet plans' we won't mention by name, except unlike those diet shakes, beers work. Now, it's bed time. Get some rest, we'll see you in the morning, when the diet really kicks in.
     The first things you're going to notice in the morning are the unfortunate side effects. These are going to include severe headaches, like the ones that make people cry, a feeling of weakness throughout the body, a stubborn refusal on the part of your eyes to accept incoming light, and a general distaste for existence.
     By the way, we at JohnCo. acknowledge that these side effects are unappealing, but at least we're being honest about it, unlike some other companies. As an additional by the way, some of you may have noticed that vomiting and diarrhea are not listed in the side effects. That's because what we prefer to brand as "involuntary toxin expulsion" is not a side effect, but is in fact the next step in the Hangover Weight Management System.
     Involuntary Toxin Expulsion is the body's way of eliminating, sometimes with enthusiasm, those things it does not need to function. This will include the aforementioned late night feedings. This stage is where all the work gets done, and as promised, it will require little effort on your part, as it will happen regardless of  your willingness to take part. Though you may, as they say, "feel the burn." The time one spends in the Involuntary Toxin Expulsion stage depends directly on how much one commits to the first stage in the plan, with truly rewarding sessions sometimes lasting for multiple days.
     Once this is done, some -but by no means all- of the side effects may subside. However, we here at JohnCO. do not want to give you false hope -because unlike those other guys, we respect your intelligence and simply care too much to lie to you-, this is not a guarantee. Results will vary.
     At the end of this process, if it has been done correctly, your stomach, and indeed the very core of your being, will insist that you be extremely careful about what you eat. We refer to this as a state of 'Gastrointestinal  Paranoia,' or 'Gasanoia' for short. Keeping your body in a state of Gasanoia is the ultimate goal of the Hangover Weight Management System, and we here at JohnCo. know it can be maintained by a steady cycle of the previously discussed stages.
     We at JohnCo. would also like to wish you luck, as well as remind you that this system has not been approved by the FDA, but that does not make it illegal, which means it will probably work. Also, we are not liable for any terrible things that may happen, including impaired judgement, liver disease, waking up in strange places next to strange people, any and all instances of prematurely ceasing to be, as well as any previously mentioned side effects.
     Now, drink your way to a better you, as always, friends and neighbors, a sincere thank you from JohnCo., where all we want is for you to be better than you are.
-John