The Hairy, the Toothy, and the Black Beating Hearts

     Here we are again, friends and neighbors, and I welcome you one and  all. I think it's time to once again delve into the dark and strange business of weird and possibly funny stories, and boy, do I have some stuff for you. Some pretty good stuff, involving a controversial sculpture (which I did not sculpt) of Jesus, a unexpected tumor (which is not mine,) and a few other things that have very little to do with me, or you, most likely, but may interest you nonetheless.
     Or maybe they won't. But they might. Let's just say they will, that way everyone (me) wins. Fair?
     Fair like the maidens in the stories about yore.
     Okay, first we're gonna run through a few things real quick, because that's what I feel like doing.
     Hey, remember that one time when I wrote about how some science people were going to try to clone a Woolly Mammoth? Well, turns out they're still going to try and do it, and they (the science people) seem pretty sure they can. Which is why I'd like to remind everyone that my birthday is in June, and I could use a pet that doubles as the coolest thing a person could have.
     Also, speaking of presents and things I've written about before, still waiting on that Roomba money, people.
     Quick one the next, I found an article entitled 'The Science of the Selfie.' I didn't read it, because of course I didn't read it. Please forgive me if I refuse to think of everyone with a camera on their phone as a scientist. Next.
     I found an article entitled 'Shoot! NASA has More Bad News About Arctic Ice and Global Warming.' This was pretty much exactly what the title says it is, ice is melting and global warming is happening and is still bad for us. However, I don't see the word 'shoot' used as an exclamation in the title of a news article very often, and I thought it was worth mentioning.
     Also, global warming is bad. Cut it out.
     Final quick one, and then we get to tumors and Jesus. This one's called 'Red and Dead Galaxies Have Beating Black Hole "Hearts," Preventing Star Formation.' Now I won't go into specifics, but I will say if you like space stuff (which you should,) find it and read it. I just brought it up because the title is amazing.
     Beating black hole hearts? Come on.
     Okay, now we get to the meaty stuff, the really crazy stuff. First, the tumor. Check this out:
     Doctors in Maryland found a tumor in the brain of a four month old child. First things first, the tumor has been removed and the child is fine. But wait, as they say, there's more.
     The tumor had fully grown teeth in it.
     That's right, your eyes do not deceive you, and neither do I. Fully grown human teeth. In a tumor. In a brain. For real. On this planet. And everything.
     Screwy.
     Okay, last one, and it's about (as promised) Jesus. More accurately, it's about a sculpture of Jesus in South Carolina. Yet more accurately still, it's about a sculpture of Jesus, wrapped in a blanket, and sleeping on a park bench like a homeless person. The idea, which seems pretty clear to me, is to remind us that Jesus is on the side of the marginalized. You can get one, if you want, for a little under $3,000.
     But the real fun here is that the particular one in question, which lies (literally) in front of a church in South Carolina, has given some really outstanding people the chance to show us all that one doesn't need a brain full of teeth to have an interesting mind. One lady, who I just don't want to name because I don't, complained about this representation because, as she says, "Jesus is not a vagrant. Jesus is not a helpless person who needs our help. We need someone who is capable of meeting our needs, not someone who is also needy."
     Never mind the actual point of the sculpture, and never mind how she's clearly missed it, and never mind whatever personal insecurities she may or may not be (but definitely is) exposing here. What I want to know is how she can rationalize going on television to defend her savior by saying he doesn't need anyone's help? Is this what Selfie Science is? Did I misjudge that article?
     ...nah.
     Oh, she also mentions that the first time she saw it she called the police, because she thought it was a real homeless person. Which is beautiful.
     However, unlike the Jesus in question, she is not on her own and in need of assistance. There are other like minded individuals in the neighborhood, including one who wrote a letter to the local news website, in which he explained that  his objection was about people visiting this nice, pretty neighborhood and seeing an "ugly homeless person sleeping on a park bench. It is also about walking by this sculpture at night and (dig this) passing within a few inches of the grim reaper."
     Can you believe that? The grim reaper! Terrifying, indeed.
     But my favorite part of the letter is this part, which I will now relate to you, so it can be your favorite part as well: " I have stepped over actual homeless people sleeping on a sidewalk in New York City and not been as creeper out as I am walking past this sculpture."
     I put that in italics, I love it so.
     By the by, if you ever encounter anyone who has trouble understanding the concept of irony...
-John