Giant Burgers, Short Hair, Teachers and Students, What Else?

   

     You know what we haven't done in a while, friends and neighbors? Besides, you know, this at all. We haven't taken a look at the news to see what joy can be found in the world! Yes indeed, it's time once again to peruse our electronic periodicals (or whatever, websites, I guess), and see what little yet supremely important and surprising things we can find together. Except I already did that, so check these out:
     Here's the first one, which I saw just today. Headline:
     "Cameron Diaz cries over drastic haircut."
     Can you believe it? Turns out, some friend of hers cut Ms. Diazs' hair, and it's shorter than she wanted! She cried! Her hair cutting friend cried! Then, apparently some other people cried! It was horrible! Thankfully, this story was reported quickly, and with such compassion, that the actress has received enough support from her fans, and will recover.
     Oh, wait, hang on. This story, written today, is actually about a haircut that happened in December 2011, and no one, anywhere, cares about it today. In fact, it was so unimportant, the half page article ended up quoting her about how great aging is, and how Google has made grandparents obsolete.
     Brilliance.
     The next headline I have for you reads thus:
     "Another 'Heart Attack Grill' customer collapses while eating 'bypass burger'."
     It gets better. Apparently, this customer was eating a "double bypass burger," while drinking a margarita and smoking a cigarette. Then, she collapsed into unconsciousness.
     Speaking for all people, I can say, "No. Doy."
     Speaking for myself, I can add, "I want one of those burgers. With bacon on it."
     What I really like about this headline is that it starts with the word 'another,' which makes it seems like this happens all the time. Which, maybe, it does. This poor woman, who was just out for a leisurely gluttonous lunch to go with her cigarette and alcohol, was the second customer to fall at the feet of this mighty burger establishment in just over two months. the first guy was eating a "Quadruple Bypass Burger" (and I want one of those, too.) Personally, I hold the burger joint responsible. I mean come on, if you present someone with the opportunity to eat something called a "Double Bypass Burger" how can they resist? Especially if it comes with a "Butterfat Milkshake," (which I do not want) and "Flatliner Fries (. . . maybe)?" Come on, what are we supposed to do, realize that this places' 600 pound spokes-model died last year at twenty nine, and Not eat there?
     Oh, wait a minute.
     Anyway, here's our final entry for the day:
    "Should teachers and students be Facebook friends?"
     The long answer is this article, which discusses how some schools have approved social media policies with regard to teachers and students, and then proceeds to talk about one male teacher who makes friends with female students, and then comments about how their pictures are sexy. Then they talk about how one teacher sent out a mass message concerning some internship, and a student applied and got said internship.
Then some guy, a lawyer you don't care about, compared the whole thing to cursing at students, and said that happens. Cursing, I mean. I assume his point is that students aren't as innocent as people think, so being a creepy Facebook stalker teacher isn't a big deal. Some other guy also calls email a dinosaur. These are grown-ups, not the students.
     The short answer is no, stupid. Talk to your students when they're in your classroom, and if they can't be bothered to write that stuff down, or check their dinosaur email, then maybe they're not responsible enough for an internship. Stupid.
    And that's your news! Be sure to come back next week, when St. John the Amenable returns for another round of fun with language!
    "What's that? Next week?"
     Yes, next week.
     "No way, you never do this two weeks in a row, because you're a lazy person."
     I am not. Shut up.
     "Yeah-huh, you are. You're too lazy to even have a decent closer, so you just made up some stupid fake dialogue!"
     Hey, how about you get out of here and let me finish this thing?
     "Yeah, whatever, sure, see you "next week."
     I said GET OUT!!
-John