30 years of hating 30 years. And teenagers.

     So I'm thirty now, and have been for a little while. A lot of people told me that thirty is where it gets good, a few people told me that thirty was terrifying, and some people told me that thirty is no big deal. So far, I can confirm that "No Big Deal" is exactly what thirty is. It's the beginning of what I expect will be a long period of time where everyone who's passed that landmark thinks you're still so young, and everyone who hasn't thinks you're too old to sleep with. So no one will listen to you.
     And since no one cares about thirty year old folk, and I really don't either, I thought I'd pass along a little advice to the only generation america does seem to care about culturally anymore, which is teens. So, here it is, my adolescent friends and puberty haunted neighbors, a little list for you:

1. Everything you know about how the world works is a lie, and everything you believe in is essentially a defense mechanism to keep that unknown reality from destroying what you call sanity. Good luck.

2. Pull up your pants. All of you. Especially if you insist on wearing those skinny pants. I understand it's a fashion choice, but between the unnecessary tightness and unwanted underwear exhibition, it seriously looks like you don't know how pants work. It reflects not only on you, but your parents. They don't deserve that.

3. In ten years, you will look back on many aspects of your adolescence, such as your hair style, your attitude, your clothes, your choices, that one person you dated for a little while, and all that money you spent on acne products that didn't work and scented hygiene things that were awful, and think on what an idiot you were. If you don't, then you didn't tour teenagerdom properly. Or, you're still an idiot. Hope for the former.

4. Learn to spell. Seriously. Please.

5. Beware getting involved in anything that involves a ritual. From religion to smoking cigarettes, the ritual of the act is often harder to kick than the habit itself. And whatever you do, don't talk about it. We don't care.

6. Eventually, you will be asked, if not forced, to pick a side. You'll know what I mean when it happens. Don't let this stop you from listening to other people.

7. At some point in your life, you will most likely do something just for the money. Remember this when someone tells you that love is all you need, and then scowl at that person until they stop talking to you. It's fun.

8. Vices are great. Get one you can handle.

9.  Life exists outside of your stupid phone. Turn it off once in a while.

10. Don't listen to you. You're a teenager, and you don't know anything.

So there you go. Enjoy your Thanksgiving.
-John