Advice at 37

If what I’ve been told is true, today is the anniversary of the day I was unleashed upon the world, to the joy of some, the possible regret of others, and yet, to a somehow comforting majority, it meant nothing at all. Like most things in this universe, a birthday is not an objectively important event, although it does have its trappings, like the obligatory digitized social media wishes of joy from people who claim to care about you, actual spoken words of congratulations from strangers who check your ID in the hopes that you’ll tip well, and in my case, another aggregation of things I’ve learned and would like to pass on to the people who read my writing, most of whom are smarter than I am and don’t need to read these things, but will indulge me because it’s my birthday and they are now feeling guilty after reading that part about social media birthday wishes. Also, run on sentences are a lost art.
     Anyway, shall we get to it, my beloved friends and neighbors?
     1. All 24 hour news networks are bad. All of them. Never take any of them seriously, except for when it comes to shutting them down and insisting that news return to maintaining a standard of integrity and objectivity. Or, if that was never really a thing, insist that it become that way. You deserve to know what’s going on, and form your own opinion about it.
     2. If anyone ever tells you something is unconstitutional, make sure they can explain how. Also, insist that they explain to you why they think legality and morality are the same thing. It will be fun to watch them try.
     3. If you are decent, and very lucky, you will manage to collect in your life a small handful of people who are truly trustworthy. Don’t screw that up.
     4. People are always going to disagree with you about something. It’s what they do, it’s how we grow. If you ever find yourself surrounded by people who only agree with you, you’ve screwed up #3. Don’t worry though, you can come to me. I’m thoroughly disagreeable, ask around.
     5. Traveling is good for you, but only if done by choice. There are millions of people across the world who can back me up on this.
     6. Putting a thought, or an image, or a person, in front of your country’s flag isn’t patriotic. Nor is using the flag to color a logo. At best, it’s camouflaging the true lack of substance contained in the idea, and at worst, it’s an insulting and demeaning use of the symbol of a country as an uninspired marketing tool by a bunch of uninspired marketing tools.
     7. Anyone who actively works against health care for all is a menace to their people. And all other people. There’s no joke here. It’s just true.
     8. If you live in a country that places more value on professional athletes and celebrities than educators and scientists, you probably shouldn’t be so surprised that reality TV stars who live on fast food and ignorance get elected to leadership positions. This is the kind of thing that happens when cities spend millions of dollars on stadiums, and give students credit for taking classes like “Walking.”
     9. Stop trying to put ranch dressing on everything. You savages.
     10. Read a lot of books about a lot of different things. Find books that challenge what you believe, and read them like your life depends on it. It does. Also, I hate to spoil it for you, but you will never, in your life, read anything more important than the following sentence, written by Kurt Vonnegut: “God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.”
     Possible circumstantial exception: “emergency exit this way.”
     So that’s what I have for you this year, good people. As ever, I deeply appreciate your taking the time to read the words I write; I know my posts are frequently infrequent, and not a lot of people are fans of my oddly structured sentences and self indulgent diction, but it means a lot to me that those of you who keep reading do so. Your time and attention is a gracious gift.
     Happy birthday to me.
-John