The John of Rights, Part II

     As we reach the end of this ridiculous and unbelievable year, it occurs to me that far too many people have either passed, tried to pass, or are now hoping to pass, a gross and awful mess of terrible laws. When these human gems aren’t doing that, they are doing their very best to destroy a bunch of pretty good laws for the worthwhile sake of petty spite. That being the case, I thought it was high time I added a few of my own amendments to the original John of Rights. So, friends and neighbors, I present to you the John of Rights Part II: the Ten Johnmendments (alternate subtitle: Electric BoogaJohn.)
     Johnmendment the First: All pay gaps are hereby abolished, as are any laws that discriminate against any gender, congenital or otherwise, in any way. Any person, or persons, or corporations, found to be in violation of this Johnmendment will be replaced by Christopher Plummer, or a delegate of his choosing. If Mr. Plummer is busy, uninterested, or otherwise unavailable, the author of this document will pick someone else. Further, the aforementioned violator will be barred from holding public office or using social media, because the people are frankly tired of putting up with these monsters.
     Also, anyone who refuses to acknowledge the existence of the pay gap, or pretends not to know what the author is referring to, is to be immediately fired.
     Johnmendment the Second: Any person found to be reading a book in public, at any time, shall not be interrupted or bothered. This includes all parks, methods of public transportation, air and water vehicles, and swimming pools. Excuses for violating this Johnmendment do not include intoxication or being attracted to said person, so unless said interruption is professionally or personally necessitated (and here we mean said reader might die otherwise), leave them alone. One attempt may be made to acquire the attention of said reader, but any subsequent attempt will be considered a violation of this Johnmendment, and the offender will be legally prohibited from speaking for no less than three full days following the offense.
     This Johnmendment also applies to people with headphones on, because everyone knows that’s the only reason people really wear those things anyway.
     Johnmendment the Third: Any person, or persons, running for or holding political office at any level, is henceforth prohibited from resorting to name calling in order to belittle those who disagree with or run against them. Such practice is now formally recognized as childish and lacking of any worthwhile qualities. Any person found to be in violation will be disqualified from running or removed from office. At the time of this writing, ours is one of the most significant nations on this planet, and as such deserves a better quality of discourse from its leaders. The author of this document, by the way, is embarrassed for all of us that this even needs to be an actual law. But here we are.
     Johnmendment the Fourth: All chewing, be it of gum or food or what have you, shall now be done with closed mouths, like civilized human beings, and not cows. The sound it makes is heretofore recognized as unbearable, and violators are to have whatever contents they are masticating slapped from their mouths as soon as possible with no opportunity for recompense of any kind. It is recognized that the practice of open mouth chewing may not pose a significant threat to the future of the world or its people, but stop it anyway, already.
     Johnmendment the Fifth: Any person, or persons, deemed unfit to enter a public shopping mall for any reason, shall also not be allowed to campaign for or hold public office. This rule is to be put into place due to the apparent fact that some people don’t understand how that is instantly obvious. The author of this document would like to take a momentary sidebar to explain:
     Are you kidding me? Everyone can go into a shopping mall! You know the only people who can’t go into shopping malls? They’re the ones who also can’t even go into that one super gross Hardee’s anymore because they yell at employees and don’t clean up after themselves, the ones who actually call the numbers scrawled in the public restroom stalls, the ones who spit on the floor when they don’t have their outrageous demands met.
     People who don’t understand that other human beings matter.
     People for whom anyone should be embarrassed to vote.
     Moving on.
     Johnmendment the Sixth: All shopping carts are to returned to their designated place by the person who used them once said person has fulfilled their need for said cart. Shopping carts are not to left in empty parking spots, in front of doorways, halfway hooked into flower and tree beds, or any other location they have no business leaving the aforementioned cart. Said behavior is heretofore recognized as thoughtless and rude, and offenders will be harangued and chased by the store employees who were previously responsible for rounding up all the stray shopping carts.
     Johnmendment the Seventh: Any and all attempts to repeal or limit Net Neutrality are hereby permanently null, because the greatest tool for communication, ridiculous and silly and outright terrible as it may sometimes be, should not be controlled by money driven interests of any kind. This Johnmendment will be kept short and simple, because this issue simply is not that complicated.
     Johnmendment the Eighth: Those people who are utilizing elevators, escalators, buses, and all similar public methods of conveyance, are to be allowed to exit said method of conveyance before others begin to board. Those waiting to board are to keep the points of egress of said conveyance clear until all passengers who wish to exit have done so. This Johnmendment is actually pretty simple as well, and as such those who violate it will be pushed down and trod upon.
     Johnmendment the Ninth: From this day forward, any and all professional sports organizations are required to pay for their own stadiums and facilities, instead of expecting to have tax money devoted to it. Owners of these organizations are not allowed to demand or even accept special favors from the city to entice said owners to bring said organizations to said city. Violators of this Johnmendment will have their organization taken away from them and given over to a city elected committee to run instead, and said owners will have to take their ball and go home.
     Johnmendment the Tenth: From this day forward, any and all proposed laws, statutes, and public policies must be grounded in real and actual reason, and not in religious belief or emotional fervor. While the author of this document recognizes the right of all people to have faith in the deity of their choosing and practice said faith in whatever manner they choose that does not harm other creatures, it is not acknowledged that those beliefs should be used to govern.
     This Johnmendment is put in place to discourage people from thinking they have the right to ruin the lives of others simply because a different belief system. It is placed as tenth in this document with the intention that it be enacted the day after the previous nine, so that the author of this document does not have to go back and give sound scientific reasoning for making people chew with their mouths closed.
     Here ends the next ten additions to the John of Rights, aimed to the best of my ability to bring peace and justice to the world. I know a lot of people may not like all of them, but after all the insane stuff I’ve had to sit here and witness over the past year, I think I ought to at least be able to read book in peace once in a while.

-John

Declaration Day 2017

     Well here we are, friends and neighbors, right smack dab in the middle of the two biggest holidays this country has. That's right, I said two biggest. Don't give me that balderdash about Easter or St. Valentine's day, either. They don't even come close, and you know it. People are still trying to get the turkey and gravy out of their veins, and many people are already getting stabbed in their feet from pine needles that have fallen off the trees that for some archaic reason are now sitting in the living room.  Commercials have reached their yearly peak of sugar coated pleas for us to express our love monetarily, and the music - which is inescapable- gets emptier than a... Hm. You know, I really hate the music, so I'm going to have to think about this for a bit, and then we'll get back to it.
     Anyway, the problem with all the holiday stuff, as I see it and thus it must be, lies not with the errant pine needles, nor with the fact that pumpkin is in everything. For some of us, in fact, having pumpkin in everything is delightful, because pumpkin is delicious, and even people who claim otherwise know they are mistaken in their hearts. No, the problem we face at this time of year, aside from the music -for which I will find an appropriate simile- is the forced cheer.
     You know what I mean, right? Yeah, you know what I mean. Everyone says some version of "Happy Holidays" even if they don't know the person to whom they are speaking, the ugliest sweaters in existence appear in droves from the backs of closets, smelling of mothballs and last years' rum fueled acts of shame. Jewelers remind us incessantly what letter the word 'kiss' always beings with, and retailers attempt to convince us that their greed is nothing more than a deep and passionate concern that our relatives know we love them, and in order to help us, have discounted all the merchandise they have thus far failed to sell.
     They do it out of love, you guys. Love.
    Now, I know a great many of us would love to see these holidays move away from being a season of overzealous consumer gouging, but somehow I don't see that happening any more than I see it going away entirely, which would also please a fair number of souls. So instead of whining about it, I came up with another solution, and I think it's just what we need. It is not an attempt to reclaim Christmas, because let's face it, the origins of that holiday are murky at best, and whatever meaning it may have once had is so dried out and decrepit that we might as well just put it on a boat, set it out to sea, and light it on fire with arrows as it floats away.
     At least that way the War On Christmas would be over, and the persecution finished.
     Here again I speak of the music.
     I propose that, instead of reclaiming an existing holiday, we make up a new one, one that takes place on the twelfth of December. It shall be know as Declaration Day, and here's how it works:
     There are no gifts, no big meals, no dying plants to decorate or songs to sing. There is no affiliated religion or deity to worship (though I'd be willing to listen to some prayers, as long as they are juicy), and there are no special outfits. All you must do to participate is tell one, just one,  person you care about a real, honest thing. No sugar coating, just plain simple truth.
     And it can't be something easy, like telling a spouse "I love you", or telling a best friend he or she is really important to you. Tell them something you wouldn't normally tell them.
     Now, just a couple of rules, which I get to make, because I invented the holiday (hence the earlier implication that prayers be sent to me.)
     1) This truth cannot be conveyed via text, email, or any other medium which makes use of terms such as 'LOL' or 'OMG'. The point of this holiday is accurate, honest, real communication, and I have learned over the years that most people are not as adept at conveying tone through the written word as one would hope. So in order to help prevent mistakes, face to face is best. An actual phone call or video chat is permitted if circumstances require it.
     2) Any person to whom a truth is delivered is automatically allowed to dispense a truth in return. So, if your decision is to finally tell that coworker he smells, he will be allowed to tell you that everyone knows you wear a wig, provided both statements are true. This provision is in place not to keep one from expressing an honest opinion, but only to maintain balance. No one wants some dummy just walking around telling people what's wrong with them. Also, bear in mind, if you decide to only convey the, let's say, unkind thoughts in your head, people are going to notice, and eventually you'll end up with less people in your life to complain about than you might want, left with only your misery for company.
     So try not to be a jerk about it. Just take a little brain power away from who on your gift list would like that neat-o pair of Christmas socks (no one wants those), try not to think about what to wear to the office holiday party (skip it. Just skip it; who even cares?) and let your mind come up with something you can tell someone that really, really matters. Anything, for anyone, as long as it's not a commercial for diamonds or toys.
     Good luck with it, and as a show of faith, I'll even start us off with one:
     When I tell people about this blog, I usually play it off as a sort of throwaway exercise to keep my writing muscles in shape, and act like I don't care if anyone reads it. The truth is, I couldn't be happier that even a few people bother to check this thing out when I manage to write it, and every repost, or conversational mention, or forwarded link, pleases me to no end. Of course I know that putting this in writing not only exposes me as a sap, but also breaks the second rule of Declaration Day, but there's no way I have time to call every one of you up and tell you, so cut me a little slack, how about?
     Hopefully this means that at least for one day, right when we need it most, everyone will get a real, if sometimes harsh, dose of honesty. I believe, I really do, that in the long run, it will help us all stay a little grounded and better focused in a time of year when we are encouraged on all sides to indulge every temptation that strikes us, and distractions are every- EMPTIER THAN A BAG OF THE DEVIL'S PROMISES!
     Jeez, that was really weighing on me. For real.
-John

A Conspiracy to Dunce Us

One of the things that always struck me as funny (not in a ha-ha way, but more like in an exasperated sigh from the depths of my soul sort of way) is how some of the more extreme voices in our culture have mixed into their philosophies and diatribes a good amount of conspiracy theory nuttiness. It’s almost like they don’t realize how incredible (not in a wonderful way, but more like in a not feasible enough to seem remotely plausible, let alone believable way) the lengths are to which they must journey in order to justify their beliefs and ideas.

Which, on it’s own, is not surprising. Anyone who’s ever dealt with a child or sociopath or narcissistic moron knows they will provide any explanation they can come up with, no matter how far-fetched, to justify their selfish and destructive actions. Many of us are so used to it that we no longer even bother to register the lack of respect these people must have for us, to think us so stupid that we’d believe anything they said.

Ever.

What is a little surprising is that it always seem to go one way. Like how global warming is a hoax, or rape culture isn’t real, or the Earth is flat, or everyone who isn’t Christian is actively trying to destroy Christmas. These are all conspiracies created and being enforced by China, women, and, I guess, people who don’t buy Christmas trees? When did it get decided that only one end of the political spectrum gets to make inane accusations, like how all of these organizations trying to save and protect our environment are the bad guys, and the oil and coal companies, which don’t mind letting people drink flammable water, are the helpless victims that must be saved?

I don’t think that’s fair, and I don’t like things that aren’t fair. So, I’m going to try and spin up a little conspiracy theory of my own.  Before we really get into it though, I’m going to implement a rule or two for myself, and in order to keep things clear and fair (see above), I want to let you all in on them.

1. I do have one simple(ish) little bit for this planned out, but beyond that, I’m just going to let it fly. Once it’s done, I will make no changes beyond the reparation of grammatical errors. I’m doing this because I don’t think anyone who really thinks things through could say or believe any of the theories to which I’ve previously referred.
2. If there is any government agency, or any other organization with violent tendencies, monitoring this nonsense, please understand that any actual and real conspiracies I may expose are done so without my knowledge, and so please don’t kill me or burn my house down. Please.

Okay, so here’s what I think is really going on: The Product in Chief has been colluding with Russia for a while now, because he thought he should be President, but even through his dementia and narcissism knew that playing fair wouldn’t do him any favors. Russia was more than happy to help, because Putin hated that Obama was better at being cool than him (remember when he just swatted that fly? That was SO COOL!), so he agreed to help Trump get the job, knowing full well that the Great Orange Zeppelin was not qualified or competent.

However, what our Sad Old Toothless But Still Overly Loud Mongrel in Chief didn’t know was that Russia was also in cahoots with North Korea to weaken and subsequently undermine the United States. They knew -better than some of us did, apparently- that putting a lying cheating con-man who, when publicly called out for not paying his taxes and thereby deceiving and cheating the very people and country he claims to love, replies with a glib smirk and the claim that doing so makes him smart, would cause serious damage. They knew that the Piece of Trash Under a Suit (POTUS) would think that he could outsmart and out deal them, all the while doing to the country what he did to so many of his own businesses, claiming success as everyone and everything around him got burned to the ground.

They played this Putrid Old Trumped Up Swindler (POTUS again!) like the masters of the deal he insists he is, and now he has four years (maybe) to do all the damage his deranged brain can do.

Now, at this point it strikes me that you skeptics and critical thinkers out there are raising your eyebrows as you read this, eager to point out that a quality nutjob conspiracy theory requires a long game. Something to keep people hooked, so they can follow further developments that support the theory to which they subscribe. Otherwise, they may reach a point where they have to change how they see or think about things, and no one likes to do that because it means they might be wrong sometimes.

Just look at religion. They all have a crazy good long term sell. Who could say no eternal reward?

Don’t worry, you long term thinkers, I’m ready for you. Well actually I wasn’t, but I’m nice and warmed up now, so let’s see what happens!

See, they don’t want us to be smart enough to tell when our Very Own Leaders are unfit to lead, because they know that no well educated and reasonable populace could elect someone like Roy Moore, or pardon Joe Arpaio, or believe that a big wall could stop people, even though never in history has one really done so. I mean really, if that was a viable option, we’d still be using castles, wouldn’t we?  

No, they needed us stupid. But not just your everyday average stupid, like respecting professional athletes more than teachers. No, they needed us to be the kind of stupid that truly believes having a tool created only for killing somehow makes any situation safer, or that regulating such tools is somehow bad.  

But they knew we wouldn’t buy textbooks about American History that were written in Russia. They knew we wouldn’t just, out of nowhere, give not just voice but actual real time and energy to the small and stupid piece of our populace that openly promotes racism and religious hatred. I mean, what kind of country would we be if, after everything we’ve been through, the Civil War and World War II and the Civil Rights Movement and all of it, we not only gave airtime to a bunch of swastika wearing red faced screaming morons, but actually tolerate a leader who says they’re not all bad?

An unnaturally stupid one, obviously.

But the Russians knew, possibly due to generations of living under the rule of inbred czars and whatnot, that stupidity has to start at the top. It’s like trickle down economics, except that it works. So they made sure this Proudly Overtly Truly Unctuous Scumbag (that’s three!) got the job, because they knew he didn’t value intelligence as much as bullying, and having him influence how we teach our children would make very sure that things got significantly dumber for some time. Call it a farfetched notion if you like, but I would like to remind you that the Flat Earth Society not only exists, but recently asserted that unlike Earth, Mars has been proven to be round.

Take a second and ruminate on that, friends and neighbors.

Now for the part with North Korea. Russia got them involved because they knew that the  only world leader who was even close to being as arrogant and self absorbed as our own Paragon Of Thoroughly Unequalled Selfishness (I could do this all day) was the Dictator of North Korea. They got him involved to keep everyone distracted with the threat of war, so that we would be a little less willing to make our own country less stable -even temporarily- by shaking things up with an honest to goodness and obviously necessary impeachment.

So now we’re stuck, see? They’ve saddled us with a Purveyor Of Turgid Unstoppable Stupidity (All. Day.), and they know he will inevitably impede the process of intellectual evolution, possibly long enough for our two prevailing ideologies to diverge beyond reconciliation. Abe Lincoln once wrote that “a house divided cannot stand,” and maybe, just maybe, Russia took that more as a direction than a warning.

End of theory. Now, what I want to know is, where are the crazy conspiracy sites spouting this kind of stuff? Is it because it’s not crazy enough? Do I need to introduce aliens into it somehow? What other stuff could I throw into it to get some crazy left wing nut job to make a site about all the shadow government right wing organization conspiracies to, I don’t know, make the planet so hot that plants can’t grow and no one can be a vegetarian, or how they intentionally make all the affordable electric cars look stupid so that fewer people buy them?  

Wait.

Hold on.

Did I just accidentally make this that site?

Aw. Dang it.

-John