Right Christian

     Your sweet lord, but it's been a glorious couple of weeks for Christianity in America, hasn't it? Just a series of true victories for the god fearing and righteous, sure to leave their messiah feeling held up head and shoulders above everyone else's messiah. How could he not be pleased, now that we are finally -Finally- following his teachings of love and compassion? Just take a look around and you'll see; we're doing so much good for our fellow man and woman these days.
     Well, okay, maybe not so much for our fellow woman, but the Bible isn't that big on women anyway, so who cares?
     Look at the good we're doing to the south, building a wall to keep everyone safe. That's a country that is just chock full of religious-and our kind of religious, too, fully Christian- folks, and we're building a wall to protect them from all the godless heathen liberals they'd run into if they came here. I mean sure, they may be able to find a better financial life, and provide food for their family, but they could also fall victim to our expanding population of secularists and progressive thinking people, and what good would that do them? I'm pretty sure that no one in the Bible provides food and shelter for anyone else. At least not any of the good guys.
     Fear not, oh pious ones, for the blessings continue. Glory, oh praise his precious name, for it seems we will get to pay for that wall after all! I know a great many good and Christian folk were just sweating tears of holy water at the thought of not being able to show off their charitable souls by paying for this wall, but relief arrives and joy continues in the form of levied taxes on goods imported from this exotic and holy land! As so many of us not only predicted but truly knew in our happy holy hearts, the threats of allowing our southern neighbor to pay for this wall were merely a hollow attempt to assuage the objections of the greedy few.
     Blessed are the consumers of avocados, for they shall inherit the bill!
     But keeping the reverent people of the world safe from the vile corruption of truth seekers and knowledge thirsters that now infiltrate this country is a never ending task, and a true leader accepts this burden with a solemn vow and true humility. How fortunate we are to finally have leaders who comprehend the compassion necessary to lead a truly Christian life! Why, look around you and see, oh ye doubters and faithless, for even those who follow a different-and totally wrong and hell bound- faith are now being protected from your dangerous influence.
     Never mind that they come from different (Muslim) countries; never mind that they follow a different (Muslim) faith. Never mind that they come here so obviously unaccustomed to, unprepared for, and unaware of, the oppression and (religious) persecution that awaits them. They will not be left to their own (Muslim) devices, abandoned to try and make their way alone in this new world. Dry your Christian tears, friends and neighbors, for thanks to our new leaders, they won't even be exposed to this new and terrible world in the first place!
     Blessed, oh blessed, are those who are abandoned, for they shall inherit the grudge of the oppressed!
     Oh, but the great charity remains at home, where it so often begins. That treacherous trickster knowledge, as we all know, knocks always at our doorstep, threatening us with broadened horizons and opened minds, and we must beware. If we are not careful, if we are not always on guard, we may one day find ourselves too far along the path, unable to find our way back from a world of coexistence and shared information.
     For what purpose would one strive for such a world, I ask you? To what end? Better off are those whose leaders withhold such knowledge, even sometimes deny it, offering instead facts of an alternate nature. Countless are the advantages awarded to those who volunteer away their unbiased press, their system of education, their very right to health, all for the safety of those who live beyond our borders!
     Blessed, oh blessed, thrice blessed, are the willfully ignorant, for they shall inherit whatever their leaders allow them to have, as long as they do exactly as they're told, and never ask questions.
     Witness, ye faithful devoted, as your (not exactly) chosen leaders bend the country to your (their) will! Rejoice, ye saintly swarm, as the long celebrated charity of Christendom reaches its full potential! Marvel, ye totally selfless and not at all hypocritical in any way masses, as our nation turns away from the world in which it lives and tries instead to hide in a nonexistent past of somehow lost but not irretrievable greatness! Look upon our current state of grace, dear devoted, and rejoice, for all credit lies directly at your feet.
-John