Greetings, friends and neighbors, and boy do I have a proposition for you today. Shall I ease you into it with one of my classic introductions? I hope you said yes, because I’m going to. Here it is:
It seems that whenever someone raises the topic of our prospects for a future “leader of the free world”, most people get, let’s say, unenthusiastic about their options. Those lucky few who do have a candidate they unabashedly support often seem less than thrilled about the chances of said candidate, despite their persistent hopes. But the rest of you? Oh, the poor rest of you. You know that angered intestine feeling of voting to keep someone out of office instead of voting to put someone in, don’t you? You’ve become familiar with the overarching sense of mottled gray melancholy that comes with such sad situations, have you not?
Don’t bother answering, as I cannot hear you (I don’t know why, but I never get tired of that joke.) Also, of course you’re familiar with it. For many of us, it’s been our political way of life since we reached that carefully and not at all arbitrarily selected legal voting age of eighteen. Upon reaching said age, in which all things are revealed to us and our logic is at its purest, we instantly understand that all politicians are little more than self obsessed liars, who seek only to advance their own careers, with only a nominal interest in the populace at the best of times.
That said and I assume agreed with, I must reluctantly admit that by the time all these campaigning shenanigans come to an end, and the time comes for the masses to cast their vote, I will be thirty-five, and legally allowed to become President of the United States.
Just so you know, I would prefer not to be, as it seems to me to be the worst job ever.
Unfortunately for me, my qualifications are pretty spot on, so I must acknowledge the high probability of a victory by write in vote. It will of course have to be by write in, considering that not only do I not want the job, but also neither party would ever, in a million and seven years, nominate or support me in any way. Which, to my chagrin, stands to work in my favor, considering the high value currently being placed on the political “outsider.” In this regard, I am infinitely more qualified than any current candidate, from either party. I’ve never even worn an American Flag Pin. For those of you who believe a candidate should be an “outsider”, lacking in political experience, connection, or ambition, I am the obvious choice. I can’t say I blame you; the alternative is far from impressive.
Again, I’m not happy about this advantage, but let us move on.
Another long standing issue of the campaign wars is that of finance. A very big deal has been made about whose funding comes from where, and here again I must sadly concede my superiority to those whose names have been already thrown into the ring. No candidate can claim to have put as little money into his or her campaign, nor can any of them claim so authentically to be completely self funded. Consider, if you will, the sheer lack of existence of my campaign, which proves how little has been spent. As for the source of this zero dollars, I ask you: why would I need to ask other people for zero dollars? Believe you me, zero is the only amount of dollars I can guarantee you I will always be able to spend. Besides, other people wouldn’t even give me money for a robot vacuum.
Which, as it happens, leads me directly into yet another grudgingly made confession:I, more so by far than any of your current choices, am indeed a man of the people. Much of the rhetoric we (right there, you see? “We.” Man of the people. Boom) are all currently subjected to revolves around how each of our less than stellar choices for President Elect relates to and understands the situation of the common man. Being born rich and serving in high ranking government jobs for decades, however, does not exactly strike me as the everyman experience. As we have already established, I have no money and have not served as a high ranking government official. I even have to vacuum my own house (thanks a lot.)
Again, I feel it necessary to point out that I do not want this job, despite how clearly amazing I would be at it. Here again, even as I type this, I can feel some of you remain as yet unconvinced. Here I shall once again, despite my best interests, provide further proof, as I give you an actual solution to one of the issues relevant to this election: Immigration.
First off, it is necessary to once again address the issue of building a wall. Why this is still seen by anyone as a viable idea, I cannot say. A few moments of even the most rudimentary thought will reveal how idiotic this idea is, which is why for as long as I can remember, it has been nothing more than cheap political pandering, one of the many unkept promises made to the unrealistic to garner favor. It has never been built because doing so would solve nothing and cost considerably more.
Never mind how ridiculous it would make us look to the rest of the world.
Second, I feel it necessary to point out that a country created and built by immigrants from all over the world should ease up on its xenophobia. Any way you look at it, excluding someone because of their language or religion or nation of origin is a pretty awful way of doing things. Look at it this way: without immigrants, we may not have pizza, coffee, or New York City. I know that some people take issue with the “values” of that last one (whatever that means), but as a nation we pretty much agree on pizza and coffee.
See there? I just brought the whole country together with one sentence. I don’t even want this job (I swear), and I can’t not be good at it.
Now then, enough with pointing out flaws in the plans of others; there is clearly no unique gift there. Instead, I will say that if, as a nation, we come to agree that immigration is an issue we need to solve, I know how to get that done. See, the thing is, if people want to go somewhere, if they really feel they need to do so in order to survive, they will get it done. The entirety of human history is proof of that. What we need to do is remove the motivation for coming here. Admittedly, that is kind of happening now, as we make ourselves less and less appealing to the world, but I would suggest a path that does not necessitate us projecting hostility.
I call it “Project: Home Improvement”, and the basics are as follows: instead of spending all that money trying to keep people out, or worse, blowing stuff up, we invest it instead in helping to improve the country from which said people are fleeing. By that I don’t mean we invade and force a change in government, by the way. Instead, we focus on helping to improve things like infrastructure, and education, and so on. You know, all the stuff we should be spending money on here and aren’t.
Now, I understand that this won’t work for every country. There are a few (to be optimistic) with which we don’t exactly have a benevolent relationship. The others, though? Imagine the kind of alliance we could have if we focused on making all these countries as awesome as we like to think our is? We could get so much done, and then maybe, just maybe, we could finally bring our focus to the things we really need to take care of, like that stuff I mentioned before.
I know that to some this doesn’t sound like quite as much fun as the invasion and forced democracy route, but to be honest, never having served in the military or fought in a war, I don’t really feel like I should just be sending soldiers around willy nilly. That lack of military experience, by the way, is one thing I do have in common with your current options.
By the by, I understand that to many people this idea may seem too idealistic and beyond the realm of possibility, but I would argue that a good leader does not lead by scaring his people, but by inspiring them.
Now, as I have said and repeatedly reiterated, I do not want this job.I would rather (and there is nothing more true in this whole piece than what you are about to read) have to work on every single one of my birthdays until the end of time, even after I am dead. I have seen a
number of presidents come and go, and watching the job weigh on them has been like watching a time lapse video. They all seem to age at least twenty years or so, and my vanity (have you seen my hair?) simply does not permit such things. I have no political ambition, or personal agenda I hope to force upon the rest of you. There is no lobby whose interests I am inclined (or indebted) to, and therefore I have nothing to gain from it outside of the assured hatred, unrelenting vitriol, long hours, unbelievably stressful obligations, and endless speechifying and photograph posing, not to mention being constantly forced to work and deal with people I most likely could not stand. To put it simply, this job would literally kill me.
Seriously. I would die.
So please, I beg you, if you value my life at all, don’t vote for me. Even though I would do a really good job.
-John
•this message paid for by no committee at all. I don’t have any money, did you not read that part? Somebody get me a robot vacuum.
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