Syriasly?

   
     Ah, that feeling of freedom, short lived though it is! What joy I find inside my soul, being able to once again join you here, my sorely missed friends and neighbors. There's really not much in the world like it, is there, that bone deep, full body sigh of relief we find after a long ordeal is finally over, and we've made it to the sanctuary on the other side, and it turns out the world is still there, humming along without us, awaiting our return. It's a little bit like finally making it to the end of that sentence.
     Anyway, so much has happened in the months since last we spoke, but one thing in particular has caught my attention, and subsequently raised the position of my dander. Normally, I'd address it as eloquently as possible, making use of way too many commas(,) and mocking jocularity, but given the level of discourse being used by people on television in suits claiming to be smart and worth listening to, I think it might be best to just bluntly ask:
     What's with all these dummies and their xenophobia?
     I know, it's not new. It's been around forever, and I personally don't think I can remember a time when someone wasn't screeching to put up a wall between the States and Mexico. Then it was those beautiful, actually existing members of our country who insisted that everyone who lives here should speak English, because freedom means making everyone else talk like us so that we are not inconvenienced at the drive-through.
     Now though, oh boy. Thirty-one states? Are these people kidding me? Just in case you're not fully aware, I'll give a quick recap:A whole lot of people who are being persecuted and murdered by terrorists in Syria are fleeing their homes, seeking sanctuary and safety, and maybe something that resembles a life of their own. Roughly 11 million, and we have agreed to take in around 10,000, helping to prove that the Statue of Liberty still has some meaning here.
     Unfortunately, the aforementioned thirty-one states have declared themselves unwilling to take part in this act of mercy and salvation. Mostly, they seem pretty sure that some of these refugees are terrorists in disguise, and if they're allowed in, everyone will die. I have, as you might have guessed, a few questions, a few issues, with this, mostly concerning the conflicting ideals these same people are so constantly shouting. I shall now address these people directly:
     The first one is easy, and it's about all these guns you guys have which, according to you, make the world safer. Never mind the paradox created by insisting that things created only to kill create safety; what possible chance could these ne'er-do-wells have, now that everyone has a gun on them pretty much all the time? I'm pretty sure that as soon as they show up and figure out how insane everyone here is for guns, they'll be way to scared reach into their pocket for their keys, much less do anything untoward.
    Secondly, you should know by now, no one has ever been able to successfully keep anyone else out of this country. Ask around. It's impossible. Hey, it's how you came to be born here in the first place. All you're going to do is make it harder for them, which will in the long run be more expensive, more labor intensive, and eventually just create more enemies for yourselves, which is what has you so riled up and scared in the first place.
    Also, by the by, letting fear keep you from doing the right thing? They have a word for that. Also, also, it's exactly what your current enemies want you to do.
     I was going to lay into the whole religious thing right here, how any Christian Nation claiming to follow in the ideas and teachings of Jesus and his Old Man would know better than to behave this way, but I'm not going to. Mostly, because as history teaches us, that never changes anyone's mind. But also because, just so you know, this Nation was not founded as a Christian one, and seeing as we have no official religion (thank god), we remain unbaptized, so to speak.
     You know it's funny, these people are fleeing a group of gun-toting religious zealots who let their fear of the world turn them into an angry, wrathful mob. Not that I'm making a comparison or anything. Although I am starting to think it should be Mexico trying to build the great big wall.
     Okay, consider them addressed. Back to my regular audience. You may have noticed I didn't tear into the whole "Let's just ban all Muslims" garbage. That's because I assume anyone who takes that seriously probably won't read this (be it due to preference or ability, I can't say), so why bother?
     Also, I know this is a pretty serious thing, and this little space of the virtual world is usually reserved for sillier things. That being the case, I promise next week will be chock full of whimsy. Sarcastic, cynical whimsy.
-John
p.s. As of this writing, Declaration Day is December 12th, just two days away. On that day, I will do something I almost never do, and re-post the original piece stating the nature of said holiday. Please join me in celebrating it, because that's kind of how it works.

I Did Not Choose This Path, but I Shall Walk It

   
     There's a thing going in this country right now, and it happens so often, and gets so much attention, that I really didn't want to write about it here. I tried to avoid it, because it's being covered pretty much all the time, by pretty much every one with any access to media of any kind. The problem is, it's one of those things that, try as I might, I just can't tune it out.
     And I've gotten really good at tuning things out, friends and neighbors. It's a skill that comes naturally when one holds a natural and deep seeded hatred for so many things, and I have honed it expertly. Yet still, the caterwauling of our upcoming presidential election barreled through, and now I must address it. My hand had been forced, and now I must get involved.
     The problem is, there really isn't much to address, is there? Take a look at the assortment of disappointing hopefuls set before us, and give a listen to what they have to say when some poor fool allows them near a microphone.
     It's an astounding amount of empty noise, isn't it? I'm sure you've noticed, because what else is there to notice? Questions posed to a candidate concerning what they might do differently about any particular thing are largely met only with disparate versions of the phrase "I'd do better", and very little if any explanation follows. Most everything else we hear is just some sort of backpedaling from the last mistakenly uttered attempt at pandering.
     Now I know we'd all prefer to hear actual answers to the questions that weigh so heavily on our minds, and solutions to the troubles that sit so embedded in our hearts. It is immediately obvious that we would all, given the chance, stand with any candidate who rose above the garbage sound bites and ludicrously inauthentic pleas for attention and votes, and provided us with actual thoughts. Of any kind. Wouldn't we?
     Ha, just kidding. No way would that work. If that were the case, half of these people would've already been thrown out. What we have instead is exactly what works for us as a people: reality television. Right now we're at the beginning of the season, just waiting to see who's going to be voted out first. Will it be the orange haired sexist vampire? The lesser son of our greatest plant based dynasty? Or maybe one of the democratic candidates who isn't an email challenged former first lady, one of those folks whose names no one even really knows?
     I don't know, and the thing is, I don't really care, and I feel like not that many people do right now. That is the question that haunted me, and so I once again sought the wisdom of Myself, that great sounding board of advice and inspiration with whom so many of you have previously been acquainted. I asked Myself, "Does anyone really care about this, or is it like one of those small booths at the carnival that everyone ignores, even though the guy out front is yelling his head off for attention?"
     As ever, friends and neighbors, Myself had a ready answer. "Listen, my most revered and best loved companion," he said, "the problem lies not with the emptiness of content. Most of television and the great majority of the internet share that quality, and people love them both."
     The words of Myself rang true, as they tend to do, but I remained unsatisfied.
     "Then what can be the cause of such apathy? Are we truly a nation of jaded souls, left to be governed by the loudest and most corrupt, simply because we now lack the conviction to find a truly deserving leader?"
      "Well, fellow sophisticate and lover of all things noble, not exactly. I believe instead that our level of required stimulus is simply too high for the common meanness of the way things are being presented to us currently. What must be done, instead, is to adapt the method of communication to make it more interesting."
      The position of Myself made sense to me, and so, being a generous and helpful soul, I set about a way to solve the problem.
      It was extraordinarily easy. Took maybe five minutes, while I was driving home from work. I didn't even have to stop singing along with the radio. Here's the plan:
     Let's make it more like professional wrestling, which is reality television in its purest form. Hear me out.
     First, most of them already have entrance music, just like wrestlers. Also, I should point out that perhaps the best part of professional wrestling isn't the matches, but the talking (shouting) the wrestlers get to do in between. Already, our candidates have shown no aversion to being loud and obnoxious. After debates, we could reward winners with a great and resplendent and not at all gaudy gold belt, declaring their victory to one and all. We could have both play by play and color commentaries during the debates, as well, to narrate and justify the actions of what we would now refer to not as politicians, but 'political entertainers.'
     We could have cool names for each event, like 'Caucusmania', and 'Democraslam', and so on. First spouse hopefuls would walk the candidates down the aisle to the ring, amidst the cheers and jeers of beer filled political fanatics wearing T-shirts and holding up signs proclaiming their eloquently worded feelings of patriotism.
     I know this seems ridiculous at first, but think on it for a second. We've seen one of these human gems demonstrate a proclivity for cooking bacon with a gun. Another received his most positive response after showing us all how many ways there are to dispose of a phone. The only thing we haven't seen is a serious discussion of what in the world one of them would do with the job if they somehow managed to get it. Fortunately for them, no one seems to really be asking, because being informed (or informing) is a distant second to being entertained (likewise.)
     There it is and you're welcome, one and all. I know that this will mostly be dismissed as some sort of joke, but at least bear this in mind when the election rolls around next year, which by the way will be the first one I can legally win: I saw a problem, I gave you a clear and concise answer to said problem, and no matter what you think about my solution, you can't tell me you wouldn't pay to see me hit some of these people with a steel chair.
     In other words, "I'd do better."
     Vote Crawford, 2016.
-John

Better Afraid Than Ashamed

     The more I look around (hello and welcome, by the way), the more I notice an odd and unsettling shift in how things are being sold to us, and I don't just mean products. I mean political points of view, theological beliefs, methods of consumption and parenting, pretty much everything. There was a time, I can recall, when everything was about keeping people scared enough to feel like they needed protection. Remember that, when insurance companies were everywhere, and they had more mascots than they did unhelpful customer service reps? I remember it, and I'm pretty sure I wrote about it.
     Now, though, something is going on that makes me long for the days when all I had to do was understand and accept that I was a powerless individual in a world of terror and madness, and the only thing I could do was rely on my leaders (whom I was also to fear) and corporate masters (also to be feared) for protection.
     Those were the days, but unfortunately I believe they have gone the way of the Woolly Mammoth, with significantly less hope for revival (they're still working on bringing those beasts back, by the way. Don't give up hope.) Those halcyon days have been replaced by a more shame filled culture, one where everyone wants everyone who isn't them to feel bad. About everything.
     For example, I saw a phone service commercial wherein two people tell the same autobiographical story about some fix they found themselves in, and of course only one of them had this good service. This person came out of said fix cleaner than a brand new pair of shoes. The other one, that poor, unfortunate, fool of a man, was left to face a family which no longer had any faith whatsoever in their  pathetic paternal parent.
     See what I mean? Where once, the consequences served to this simple minded fool would have been physical injury, perhaps, or loss of a job and subsequently a home, he now faces guilt and shame. What caused this shift, I wonder? Did someone realize that fear as a commodity no longer has an effect? That, to borrow a phrase, the market has been saturated, and in the search for a new way to sell pretty much anything they want, have settled on guilt and shame?
     I think it is, and while I admit it's pretty clever, it remains ultimately horrific, and I simply can't wait to tell you why, so I'm going to do it right this minute.
     Take it from someone who knows, friends and neighbors, walking around feeling ashamed and guilty about -and this next phrase is chosen very carefully, and without exaggeration- every aspect of one's being is not a good idea.  It does not lead to improvement, of one's self or life.
     It certainly won't make me switch phone service companies, or insurance companies, or buy an electric car, or go to church, or vote for the most famous actual real life vampire our country currently has, and don't act like you don't know who I'm talking about.
     There's a reason he eats pizza with a fork, and it's because he's not used to human food, because he eats literal Human Food.
     And speaking of food, (now that's a segue, right there) what happened to the days when eating unhealthy food only caused the consumer to die of horrible disease? Now it's like having a hamburger is not only supporting the cruel treatment of livestock (which....okay, yeah, it is), but I may as well be out covering the ice caps with oil and setting them ablaze.
     Which I would not do, ever. Gas is already so expensive. Also I like Polar Bears.
     Anyway, look, I know everything is terrible, okay? If you don't believe me, ask around. People will tell you, I am quite in the know when it comes to how much everything sucks. I would (and have just tried to) point out, however, that guilt and shame do not lead to peace and salvation. I would also like to point out that making me miss the days when I was supposed to be afraid all the time is something someone should feel bad about.
    Also, that guy I called a vampire before? He's a vampire. For real.
-John

It's My Day. It's Mine!

     As some of you are aware, a few short weeks back I had yet another birthday, as I do about once a year. Undertaking such a task is a lot of hard work, and many people actively discourage it as an act of self-destruction, but I went ahead and did it anyway, because I am, by all accounts, a stubborn ox of a human being, as well as a fan of unnecessarily long sentences that never seem to end, even though they eventually will, if one is patient and gives them enough time to properly make their point. As birthdays go, it went pretty well. There was food I was not required to pay for or prepare, a present or two, and libations, and so on. Also included were a number of phone calls and various other sentiments of pleasantness about my continued existence, and so on some more. The day ended well, and I reflected on the successful completion of another year, and so on one more time.
     It wasn't until a few days later that a new bit of information wrought these delusions of a world that wasn't so bad (which from me is pretty high praise) into a jagged, warped, shattered mass at my feet, leaving the true horrific nature of the world once again so clearly visible. New information often does this to people, which is so many people fear change. And the future. And science. And other people. And-
     Anyway, what I learned post-birthday is that some terrible presence, of whose existence I was previously only vaguely aware, and of whose purpose I was wholly and happily ignorant, had designated my birthday as some atrocity by the name of Social Media Day. Let me see if I can truly express my feeling about this for you.
     Have you ever been so apoplectic that you had to fight the primal urge to scream like a Celt charging into battle, naked save for some blue paint and blood-lust, because the volume required to express said amount of rage would cause you to vomit up your insides and die?
     Social Media Day? Social. Media. Day!? Since when, I ask, I inquire, I Demand to know, do we need a day to appreciate the existence, the incursion, of social media in our lives? That's like having a special day to celebrate blinking, or coleslaw. Sure, they have their uses, or at least blinking does, but a special day to express our gratitude for them? Nay, I growl through gritted teeth.
     Nay.
     Oh, and just how dare they, How Dare They, designate my birthday as the day to do so! What vileness, what meanness, what outrageous malefaction! This is an outright act of aggression upon my person, and I will not suffer it without response, which I have prepared, and will present to you now.
     From this day forward, the thirtieth day of June will not only be known as my birthday, though it be widely known that this is accolade enough (can't help that), but it shall be known also as Anti-social Media Appreciation Day. On this day, all are encouraged to not only eschew the use of social media, but instead to enjoy such media that does not particularly encourage socialization.
     In other words, quietly read a book for a little while.
     Allow me to be clear; I appreciate the way my social media portal fills up with well wishes punctuated by exclamation marks. I do. But I think I would appreciate it even more if I knew that a collection of people were intentionally setting aside some time to quietly read a book on that same day. Given my affection for them, it seems a pretty well chosen gift, even if I had to be tacky and ask for it myself.
     And if your appreciation for me is simply unsatisfied by this quiet display, feel free to send me a real card in the real mail. You could even throw ten bucks in it if you like, so that I can finally get that robot vacuum. It's been like two years, people.
     Come on.
-John
   

They, the People

   
     No one talks to anyone any more, right? No one really communicates anymore, because everyone is too busy looking at their phone screen, or computer screen, or the archaic and soon to be forgotten television screen. It seems to be an epidemic, one that places in danger the very moral fabric of our society. This growing lack of personal interaction, this vanishing of the face to face experience, it's going to be the doom of us all, just like gay marriage was, just like the Y2K bug was, just like making a deity mad by not gutting some livestock was.
     This is what I am being told, and it really seems like something that would bother me, doesn't it? The whole idea of people communicating primarily through mediums that introduce phrases like YOLO and OMFG and so on, seems like it would be, to put it mildly, abhorrent to the very core of my sanity. And the thing is, I'm not especially happy about it. I do agree that it's rude to be staring at one's phone during a conversation with an actual present human being, or during a movie, or on a roller coaster, for instance. I would prefer it if more members of society put their phones down, and maybe ate dinner together instead of taking pictures of it. I'm fully on board with this.
     What I'm not on board with is the reasons people are giving for their displeasure. Like when people say they miss the days when they could chat with someone on the bus, instead of just sitting in silence, surrounded by a sea of headphone enveloped ears. Or when they complain about how people waiting in lines just look at their phones, or, heaven forbid, make a phone call, instead of chatting with the people around them, and "meeting new friends!"
     This is all what we in the business (of what, I'm not sure) call garbage talk, and it usually comes from the mouths of those who say things in the vein of, "I like people", which is what we in the business (professional malcontention, maybe?) call a lie.
     Nobody likes people, okay? Nobody. What makes your morning commute such a pain, all that traffic, those hateful red lights, that line at your coffee place when you're already running late? Who's responsible for making your job more difficult than you believe it has right to be?
     People do those things. All of them.
     We like our friends (mostly), we like our family (sometimes), sure, but they're not people. That's why there are different words to describe them. People are the ones who talk in movie theaters. They're the ones who cut in lines at the, uh, places with lines. They're the coworkers you have to clean up after, the ones who invented the automated help line. They're the ones who still don't know how banks work, and always end up taking FOREVER at the teller, and then you've got to move your whole day back because some, some, person (singular of people) just can't handle their business.
     Just fill out the deposit slip the right way, will you! How long has it been since they changed those? It's been forever, that's how long it's been! You should know it by now!
     See? People are the worst, and why anyone thinks taking their screens away and forcing them to have meaningful interactions with each other is beyond my ken. You know what happens when people have meaningful interactions with each other? All the worst things.
     Now look, I know that meeting new people is how we make new friends, meet new lovers, and make new and better professional connections, and this is all great. It's fun to go out into the world and see what the people are like, it really-
     Okay, you caught me. I can't even type that with a straight face. It's a chore to do all those things, and that's why we always complain about having to do it. So why not let people put all that inanity into a screen, instead of into your brain? Let them tell everyone in the world who isn't you -or more especially, me- about how their cat is the cutest cat ever, and he's so smart, it's like he's in charge of the house! That way, it's not your responsibility to point out the mistake they have allowed their life to become. You can wait until they post it online somewhere, and then post a link to this blog, and let them read for themselves that the selfishness and laziness intrinsic to all cats does not combine with the overindulgence of their owners to equal intelligence.
     Of either party.
     See how much easier your life just became?
     And if you still don't believe me, that's fine, just remember what I said when someone on the bus tries to tell you about the time they met that guy from Nickelback, and how he's a misunderstood genius. No one to blame but yourself for that one.
     And Nickelback. You can always blame Nickelback.
     -John