Feminism... Oh, boy.

     There is a word, or perhaps a concept, or perhaps even a philosophy, that has been weighing on my mind more so than usual these last few weeks. For reasons that will hopefully become apparent as I explain them, I was going to keep it to myself, and instead let the fine folks at JohnCo. tell you all about their latest product (a smartphone app that erases your contact information from other people's phones.) Then, a recently made but respected acquaintance brought something to my attention that has forced me to alter this decision and do something that could very well come back to haunt me if I screw it up. It could do so immediately, and severely, and I don't mind telling you, it got me worried.
     Then I remembered that I've managed to get away with discussing controversial topics in the past, like how terrible cats and mayonnaise are, and how people shouldn't block doorways when having conversations, and how no one wants to hear about anyone else's god(s), so why not go ahead and make the same terrible mistake so many men have made before, and talk about feminism?
     Just typing that, by the way, before anyone else has even read it, made me feel like all the men I know just felt their butts clench up without knowing why. Unclench, fellas, and have a little more faith in me than I do.
     It is a feeling I can understand though, which is why I was going to keep my mouth shut (or fingers still, as it were) at first. I've never labeled myself as a feminist, really, preferring instead to aim for being an egalitarian, by which I mean that it is okay to make fun of everyone. Everyone should be made fun of a little. It's good for you. People make fun of me all the time, and just look at how happy and well-adjusted I am. You can tell by the way I complain about trivial things as though anyone listened or cared or agreed with me.
     So I was going to leave it alone, because it didn't really seem like a place I should go. Until two things happened, which I will discuss in reverse chronological order.
     First and most recently, I was made aware by the aforementioned recently acquired acquaintance whose name I have not obtained permission to print that Time magazine included the word 'feminist' in a list of words to be potentially banned. Their reason for doing so? Glad you asked:
                                          You have nothing against feminism itself, but when did it become a thing that every celebrity had to state their position on whether this word applies to them, like some politician declaring a party? Let's stick to the issues and quit throwing this label around like ticker tape at a Susan B. Anthony parade.
   
     First off, Time magazine, don't try and include me by using the word 'you' to start this thing. I neither need nor want you to tell me what I do or don't have against anything. Believe me, I am more than capable of providing my own diatribes against whatever I see fit. On that, you may bank. Further, celebrities stating their opinions has been a thing ever since a bunch of idiots (everyone) decided they were worth listening to, and one publication even started adorning some of them with lofty title, "Person (formerly Man) of the year." Stupid, I know, but it happened. The one thing celebrities have in common with everyone else is that they often say what they think.The fact that they are not significantly smarter than the people who put stock in their opinions is not the fault of the words they use. Also, by the way, there all kinds of things going on all over the world that evince how much of an issue the things discussed by feminism are. Limiting the words allowed to be used in a discussion puts limits on the discussion itself.
     Also on this list are the words 'bae,' which is not a word, and 'literally,' which the magazine proposes banning because people insist on using it wrong.
     Might I suggest that instead of banning words, we try to educate people on the proper use of them? I know an amenable saint I can put you in touch with, if you're interested. I should warn you though; he is considerably less forgiving than I am.
     The other thing, the thing that really weighed on my mind, happend a few weeks ago, and I'm sure most of you have heard about it already. It starts with a woman by the name of Mariam Al Mansouri, who is -check this out- the first female pilot for the United Arab Emirates Air Force. Not only that, but she recently led an airstrike against ISIS in Syria.
     This story, as told (I can't bring myself to use the word 'reported') by Fox News, began with Kimberly Guilfoyle talking about how glad she was that a woman was kicking the collective tail of ISIS. This was fair. It was also immediately undercut by two other television personalities (also can't use the words 'journalists' or 'reporters') by the names of Greg Gutfield and Eric Bolling. Gutfield responded to this story with "Problem is, after she bombed it, she couldn't park it." This was followed with Bolling's genius comment, "Would that be considered boobs on the ground or no?"
     Get it? Because women are bad at driving, and also have boobs!
     Don't get me wrong; boobs can be funny, same as butts and farts and burps, though none of them are anywhere near as funny as the penis. Just look at all the euphemisms for it, my personal favorite being 'Long Tom.'
     The thing here is that this is a human being who did something that requires a level of bravery not many people have, who put her life at some level of risk to do all the the things your network is constantly defining as patriotic and deserving of respect. But this human being has, as you so eloquently put it, "boobs," so you mocked her.
     What a couple of Long Toms.
     That, by the way, is a solid joke, with a setup and a punchline, and it mocks you, the two poorly behaved people, not your genders. You boobs.
     And as far the reference to her driving goes, let me tell you something, friends and neighbors. I spend a lot -A LOT- of time driving, and the simple truth is that everyone -and that includes everyone- is a much worse driver than they believe themselves to be (except me), and I've seen more bad parking jobs by men in trucks with unnecessarily large tires than any other kind of driver. Also, Prius drivers are pretty much all terrible, gender regardless.
     Oh, and before I wrap this up, remember that other story, where women were complaining about being harassed on the street, and some of these personalities - of both genders, by the way- responded by saying it was a compliment? Well, please feel free to take as a compliment the following statement:
     You are disgusting, and the fraudulence of your smiles is matched only by the barrennes that lives inside you. Insert whistle here.
     All in all, the reason I spoke (wrote?) up is because each of these things seems to be expressing a problem with the notion that feminism still exists, and I think they should instead be addressing the problem that it still needs to.
     In closing, I would like to add that I am fortunate to count a great number of strong, intelligent, funny, and when necessary fierce women of all ages as both relatives and friends, and offer this piece not as some utterly unnecessary and ill advised attempt at defense or protection or apology on behalf of men everyhwere, which would be an insult to all involved. It is instead hoped that this will be taken for what it is, merely an attempted contribution toward the goal of treating everyone as an equal, so I can make fun of all of us properly.
     Also, if I have gotten it wrong, don't worry. Those strong, fierce members of family and social circle will let me know all about it.
-John