The Contest You Probably Forgot About Returns!

    Ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, frenemies and enemiends, it is time. Time once again for that not so long gone and not so annual and not so official or recognized by anyone and not so consistently named  Best Country on Earth Contest! We have, as always, previously narrowed our entries down to three and then selected our winner, based on the very strict rules put in place by and known only to the judges (the judges are me, and the rules are whatever I say.) So now, dearest of dear readers, and also everyone else, we shall waste no more time!
       For our second runner up, we travel to beautiful and hospitable Mexico, specifically to Michoacan, where civilian vigilantes have reportedly taken over another town, wrestling it from the hands of the Knights Templar, which is a drug trafficking gang, not an actual group of knights. That might have given them the win, based on the mental images alone. However, the interesting thing here is that the article, and subsequently I, used the word 'another' instead of the article 'a.' This is because vigilante groups have been doing this since February of 2013.
     Turns out, these vigilante groups claim that local authorities were either unable or unwilling to stop the Knights Templar (again: drug gang, not actual knights), so they (the civilian vigilantes) got all "Nah, son!" and started fighting back. The federal government has since stepped in to try and disarm the vigilante groups, with critics alleging a sponsorship from rival drug cartels, as well as possession of illegally obtained firearms.
     The militia groups, who have now taken around 20 towns, have yet to disarm, even though leadership has become somewhat divided over the issue. Either way, things are heating up, and could get pretty crazy. So, Mexico gets third prize, because vigilantism may be a dangerous and morally questionable thing, but movies prove it sure is entertaining, and crazy vigilantism even more so.
     Now then, on to our first runner up, that great big frozen bear of a mother, Russia. Host to the impending 2014 Winter Olympics, Russia has recently been searching for three women who are suspected of planning attacks on said competitive gaming event. This led to an article, which our judges were led to read, which led to Russia getting the number two spot in this glorious competition. That's how it works, in case that was somehow unclear.
    The article referred to these female terrorists as "black widows." It also went on to explain that Russia has quiet a history of female terrorist attacks, particularly in the field of suicide bombing, despite its high turnover rate. I, your humble host of this wondrous contest, will refrain from going into too much detail, because mostly it's kind of gory. I will note, however, that one of these bombs, from an incident that occurred a couple of years back, which was connected to a cell phone, went off early due to a spam text, proving once again that texting is awful.
     Admittedly, suicide bombing in and of itself is certainly not enough to earn one a spot on this list, but commendations must be made for an especially unique achievement in gender equality. Thus, second place.
     Finally, with bated breath and trembling fingers, we arrive at our champion. The shining light, the center of all, the one and only. Our winner, for an inaccurate and arbitrarily picked 137th time, is China!
     China! China! China!
     Fan favorite and odds-on choice in Vegas, China wins again. And not just because of the way they and Japan have been messing with each other in the news again, even going so far as to call each other Voldemort. Voldemort, that's right. These are government officials we're talking about, people, calling each other by the name of the main villain in a story about wizards and witches. Sure, it's an undeniably great story, and beloved the world over by adults and children alike, but can you even wrap your ever loving mind around the fact that people with actual authority are using it to insult each other on an international level?
     Sure, of course you can. A fact which is not without meaning.
     But never mind that for now, because as I said it's not why China wins. Think on that on your own time; consider it a literary after dinner mint, for which you are welcome.
     China wins for two reasons: One, a government official was recently sentenced to death for accepting over a million dollars in bribes. Now, the judges would like me to point out for them that the sentence is not the reason, but rather the successful prosecution of a corrupt official. They would also like me to remind you all that there is a second reason, even though I just mentioned that at the beginning of this paragraph. A fastidious group, these judges.
     The second reason China is and remains our World Champion of the World is because China is also prosecuting a man named Xu Zhiyong, who is a leading member of the "New Citizen's Movement," which is a group that advocates bringing about change by working withing the system. Among their goals is -here it comes- pressing officials to disclose their assets in an attempt to rid the government of corruption.
     For real. This is why China always wins this thing, you guys. Vigilante groups? Nice. Letting women take part in attacks on people? Gracious and egalitarian, sure. But having a government make an effort to root out corruption while simultaneously arresting and jailing people who are trying to get said government to do exactly that? That's a winning strategy if ever there was one.
     And there we have it! The judges would to thank you all for once again attending, as well as conducting yourselves in a relatively well behaved manner. Though they would like me to point out that this is traditionally a formal gathering, and in the future some of you may want dress more appropriately. You know who you are. I, as always, bid you a kind but not overly so farewell, and remain:
-John