The Contest You Probably Forgot About Returns!

    Ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, frenemies and enemiends, it is time. Time once again for that not so long gone and not so annual and not so official or recognized by anyone and not so consistently named  Best Country on Earth Contest! We have, as always, previously narrowed our entries down to three and then selected our winner, based on the very strict rules put in place by and known only to the judges (the judges are me, and the rules are whatever I say.) So now, dearest of dear readers, and also everyone else, we shall waste no more time!
       For our second runner up, we travel to beautiful and hospitable Mexico, specifically to Michoacan, where civilian vigilantes have reportedly taken over another town, wrestling it from the hands of the Knights Templar, which is a drug trafficking gang, not an actual group of knights. That might have given them the win, based on the mental images alone. However, the interesting thing here is that the article, and subsequently I, used the word 'another' instead of the article 'a.' This is because vigilante groups have been doing this since February of 2013.
     Turns out, these vigilante groups claim that local authorities were either unable or unwilling to stop the Knights Templar (again: drug gang, not actual knights), so they (the civilian vigilantes) got all "Nah, son!" and started fighting back. The federal government has since stepped in to try and disarm the vigilante groups, with critics alleging a sponsorship from rival drug cartels, as well as possession of illegally obtained firearms.
     The militia groups, who have now taken around 20 towns, have yet to disarm, even though leadership has become somewhat divided over the issue. Either way, things are heating up, and could get pretty crazy. So, Mexico gets third prize, because vigilantism may be a dangerous and morally questionable thing, but movies prove it sure is entertaining, and crazy vigilantism even more so.
     Now then, on to our first runner up, that great big frozen bear of a mother, Russia. Host to the impending 2014 Winter Olympics, Russia has recently been searching for three women who are suspected of planning attacks on said competitive gaming event. This led to an article, which our judges were led to read, which led to Russia getting the number two spot in this glorious competition. That's how it works, in case that was somehow unclear.
    The article referred to these female terrorists as "black widows." It also went on to explain that Russia has quiet a history of female terrorist attacks, particularly in the field of suicide bombing, despite its high turnover rate. I, your humble host of this wondrous contest, will refrain from going into too much detail, because mostly it's kind of gory. I will note, however, that one of these bombs, from an incident that occurred a couple of years back, which was connected to a cell phone, went off early due to a spam text, proving once again that texting is awful.
     Admittedly, suicide bombing in and of itself is certainly not enough to earn one a spot on this list, but commendations must be made for an especially unique achievement in gender equality. Thus, second place.
     Finally, with bated breath and trembling fingers, we arrive at our champion. The shining light, the center of all, the one and only. Our winner, for an inaccurate and arbitrarily picked 137th time, is China!
     China! China! China!
     Fan favorite and odds-on choice in Vegas, China wins again. And not just because of the way they and Japan have been messing with each other in the news again, even going so far as to call each other Voldemort. Voldemort, that's right. These are government officials we're talking about, people, calling each other by the name of the main villain in a story about wizards and witches. Sure, it's an undeniably great story, and beloved the world over by adults and children alike, but can you even wrap your ever loving mind around the fact that people with actual authority are using it to insult each other on an international level?
     Sure, of course you can. A fact which is not without meaning.
     But never mind that for now, because as I said it's not why China wins. Think on that on your own time; consider it a literary after dinner mint, for which you are welcome.
     China wins for two reasons: One, a government official was recently sentenced to death for accepting over a million dollars in bribes. Now, the judges would like me to point out for them that the sentence is not the reason, but rather the successful prosecution of a corrupt official. They would also like me to remind you all that there is a second reason, even though I just mentioned that at the beginning of this paragraph. A fastidious group, these judges.
     The second reason China is and remains our World Champion of the World is because China is also prosecuting a man named Xu Zhiyong, who is a leading member of the "New Citizen's Movement," which is a group that advocates bringing about change by working withing the system. Among their goals is -here it comes- pressing officials to disclose their assets in an attempt to rid the government of corruption.
     For real. This is why China always wins this thing, you guys. Vigilante groups? Nice. Letting women take part in attacks on people? Gracious and egalitarian, sure. But having a government make an effort to root out corruption while simultaneously arresting and jailing people who are trying to get said government to do exactly that? That's a winning strategy if ever there was one.
     And there we have it! The judges would to thank you all for once again attending, as well as conducting yourselves in a relatively well behaved manner. Though they would like me to point out that this is traditionally a formal gathering, and in the future some of you may want dress more appropriately. You know who you are. I, as always, bid you a kind but not overly so farewell, and remain:
-John

Cutting Out the Middle Man

     I think this year should start fresh, don't you? I will ask you to please disregard the fact that it's taken me over two weeks to come around and ask that question, thereby making a proposition for freshness seem quite stale. Along with how hackneyed it is as an opening. Just let it go, because it's for the greater good, which is I needed an opening. Okay? Let's move on.
     A fresh start, a new lease, a chance for us to get moving and start making things happen, instead of just shutting everything down and waiting for the insanity of the holidays to again distract us from the year that was. And I've noticed something that's holding us back. Something that we're obviously doing, even though everyone denies it, and in fact our louder cultural luminaries are claiming to try and prevent. Figured out what it is? Have a guess.
     Or wait, actually, don't have a guess. We've wasted enough time as it is, and my whole point here is that we need to just go on and get this thing done, instead of dragging our feet so we can later claim it wasn't our fault. Here it is:

A Three Part Plan for Finally, Finally, Getting Rid of That Pesky Middle Class

     And before you even get started, don't you even dare, okay? People have been announcing the imminent death of the middle class for some time now. It's not like I came up with this idea all on my own. I just looked around, saw where we, as a nation and people, have clearly decided to go, and created a plan that I think might get us there faster, because I'm a helper. Not for my own sake, mind, but simply for the purpose of expediency and expeditiousness. There, now that I've made an attempt to placate the naysayers and the oblivious, we can get started with a clear conscious. Or I can, which is fine.

     First, we have to deal with this government business. Or rather, this business of government. Haven't we had enough of this two party nonsense, everyone claiming they're on the side of the working class but not doing much to prove it, and then blaming the other side of the aisle when something bad happens? Sure, sure, it's killing off the middle class and all, but it's so slow and spiritually unrewarding, isn't it? It feels like torture, and I personally don't condone torture. I prefer a quick end to my misery, thus I believe a swifter end to the middle class to be more merciful. Economical euthanasia, if you will. And honestly, all this back and forthing and shutting downing is just slowing things up, am I right? We've marked out our course, and if we, as Americans often do, refuse to alter it, then we ought to get a move on, I say. And here's how I propose we do it.

     We put government completely in the hands of Wal-Mart.

     Right? Now that's it out there, doesn't it seem like the clear and certain option? A revelation, akin to finishing an immensely difficult puzzle that only becomes clear once the last piece is in place, is it not? Not to brag, but that's the level of genius that so often gets mistaken for madness, because people just can't comprehend the magnitude of its brilliance. Brilliance, I said. Not madness.

     Look, Wal-Mart is already everywhere, so clearly they know this country as well as anyone; how else to explain their unparalleled success? This company knows what the people of this country want, and they provide terrible versions of it cheaply and in abundance, while simultaneously getting people to shop there by methodically removing all other options. Now if any government body, say congress, which we'll pick completely as a random example and not because of anything that's actually happened recently or anything, was trying to get rid of the middle class, what better model could they find? Sure, they could, I don't know, make sure nothing really ever happens while trying to maintain an illusion of importance and willingness to work, but wouldn't it be easier if they could go the easier route of just doing whatever they want, and not caring if people didn't like it, because what are they going to do about it? Leave the country? Please. And Wal-Mart, it's been historically proven, knows how to make that kind of thing happen.

     Plus, we can sell it by pointing out that Wal-Mart is always open, and their website works, and people will like that. We could call spending cuts rollbacks, and make people think it's a sale of some kind!

     So that's the first and admittedly most obvious part of my plan. On to the second:

     We fix the media, once and for all. It's pretty clear to me that despite all the work we've put in to make the news a profit business, and though we've come to expect a certain balanced fairness from any and every channel, there is still far too much actual information getting through, which makes control and manipulation difficult. If we want to really do in our middle class and their stupid backbone of our economy, we need to make our media coverage completely unintelligible by making the smokescreen of expert analysis and opinion as thick as possible. And boy howdy, have I got a solution for you!

     All news will henceforth come through Tweets, vines, and Facebook status posts. Exclusively. 

     Just imagine it, and you'll feel your brain losing its will to live already. No more hard facts, or actual evidence of anything, just everyone posting whatever they think is going on, all the time. Absolute subjectivity. The importance of topics, and their relative exposure, will be determined solely by the swaying interests of the general public, and thus things like federal laws, economic downturns, and nationwide financial crises will be lost beneath a wave of things like who won an Emmy and whether or not they deserved it, quizzes about your personality type, and whether or not that sweater your friend Tina bought is ugly (it is. Her taste is the worst. You should talk to her about it.) 

     No one will actually know anything. Ever again. Ignorance, dear reader, is easily impoverished bliss.

     Now, we come to the final piece. This is the deal sealer, the omega, the final nail in the sensibly priced coffin. We've got to do something about our system of education. Sure, we've seen some steps taken in various parts, like removing critical thinking from the curriculum, and making it impossible for teachers to properly do or enjoy their jobs, but we can do more. There are simply too many people learning too many things, and these are the kinds of people who ask annoying questions about right and wrong and always want their government to do things, like serve its populace and other such tomfoolery.

     Brace yourselves, because this is the big one, right here.

     We make education the responsibility of the church.

     No more having to keep up with science, because religion has it all thoroughly explained. No more money spent on researching and keeping up with the ever expanding universe of scientific knowledge, and no more revising textbooks. Hey, no more textbooks, which any college student will tell you are outrageously overpriced anyway. You'll pretty much only need the one book, and you can get it anywhere. Cheap as you like. And what better way to equalize everyone's level of education than by putting a cap on the level of legal knowledge available? Equality through ignorance; that ought to sort out all this upper-middle class, lower-middle class, lower-upper class, upper-lower class nonsense. Plus, Wal-Mart won't have to spend any money on it, because religion makes good money. This will help ensure that each child's religious education will be thorough, and of the highest quality. Between that and the enthusiasm I'm sure the educators will provide, I feel like we're pretty well covered.

     But here's where the genius (not madness) of it all really shines: it's limited not any one church. All religions are allowed to open schools of every level, from kindergarten to college and beyond. Each one teaches according to its own beliefs of course; we'll not violate any religious freedoms in this country. But only, and I mean only, religious schools will be opened. That, friends and neighbors, is how we keep all that tasty and useful dissent that religion adds to our cultural casserole. 

     Added bonus: Most of these religions place a lot of virtue on being poor. Think about it.

     So there you have it. I understand it's lacking in a few of the finer details, but no plan is without its imperfections. Besides, placed in the hands of our more skilled pundits and politicians, the imperfections can easily be turned into virtues, by way of calling into question the patriotism and morality of anyone who dares to point them out. And remember, I can't stress this enough, I'm just trying to help here. 

-John