It's All Over! Mercifully, It's Over!

     Well, this is it, friends and neighbors! My last blog of 2012, and what an inconsistent year of them it's been! How about if we review them, and discuss our favorite moments together? For instance, remember that time I wrote about China? And how about that time I told you guys about that time they found chunks of mammoth somewhere or another and said they could maybe clone one? Oh, oh, remember that time I didn't write anything? For months? I got a lot of praise for that one.
     What? No? You don't want to just sit there and read about me rehashing all that junk I already bugged you about? But... but...
     Fine. You know what? Good. Great. Be rude. We'll do something else, something you want do instead. After all, you don't pay for this, and I do all the work of writing it, so why not let you dictate what the year- ender should be about, right? Grand. What have you got?
    Oh. Yeah, well, I guess that is a pretty good idea. Okay, fine, since you asked for it (rudely), I'll let you in on a few things I'm excited about for the new year.
     First, and foremost, I am overjoyed to announce there is now no longer any need for me to hear about the Mayan calendar. Seriously, these guys are dead and gone, okay? They lost already. Stop kicking their collective corpse with jokes about  their lack of accuracy as it pertains to Armageddon. No one else has gotten it right yet either, and I bet most of us won't thank the ones that do.
     Mayan calendar. Done.
     Also, I can't wait to see how this whole 'fiscal cliff' thing turns out. Mostly, I admit, because I'm tired of the phrase, but also because I'm ready for the next great political disaster that will bring us to the brink of economic collapse, but somehow, just at the last minute, and despite the great efforts of the other side, both political parties will manage to single-handedly save the country, and thus the world. It's been too long since everyone who ever wore an American flag pin demanded credit for something most of us are tired of talking about.
     Oh, and before I forget, I'm going to make a preemptive strike on this, and let everyone know how excited I am to tell you all that I do not -NOT- want to hear about your resolutions. Don't tell me about them, don't keep me updated on your progress, and above all, do not expect me to remember or care. I will not care, and I won't remember. I can't even remember why I walked in the kitchen half the time, much less who wants to lose weight or quit smoking or whatever. My brain is too full of more important things, such as the difference between right and left, and all the lyrics to the theme song from the 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' cartoon I grew up with.* So please, resolve to keep your resolutions to yourself. That way, when you give up on them, your shame and failure is known only to you.
     Finally, I'm excited to see what the teen years are going to be like for the 2000s. The first twelve years were pretty hectic, and puberty is likely to make things even more interesting. Thankfully, this ain't my teenager. I'm more like an uncle. I just show up to get him all riled up and full of sugar, and then I'm out of here.
-John

*Teenage mutant ninja turtles
  Teenage mutant ninja turtles
  Teenage mutant ninja turtles
  Heroes in a half shell
  Turtle power!

  They're the world's most fearsome fighting teens (we're really hip!)
  Heroes in a half shell and they're green (hey, get a grip!)
  When the evil Shredder attacks
  These turtle boys don't cut 'em  no slack

  Teenage mutant ninja turtles
  Teenage mutant ninja turtles

  Splinter taught them to be ninja teens (he's a radical rat!)
  Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines (and that's a fact, Jack!)
  Raphael is cool, but crude (gimme a break!)
  Michelangelo is a party dude (partayyyyyy!)


  Teenage mutant ninja turtles
  Teenage mutant ninja turtles
  Teenage mutant ninja turtles
  Heroes in a half shell
  Turtle power!
-Told you, and don't even act like you didn't want that.