It's All Over! Mercifully, It's Over!

     Well, this is it, friends and neighbors! My last blog of 2012, and what an inconsistent year of them it's been! How about if we review them, and discuss our favorite moments together? For instance, remember that time I wrote about China? And how about that time I told you guys about that time they found chunks of mammoth somewhere or another and said they could maybe clone one? Oh, oh, remember that time I didn't write anything? For months? I got a lot of praise for that one.
     What? No? You don't want to just sit there and read about me rehashing all that junk I already bugged you about? But... but...
     Fine. You know what? Good. Great. Be rude. We'll do something else, something you want do instead. After all, you don't pay for this, and I do all the work of writing it, so why not let you dictate what the year- ender should be about, right? Grand. What have you got?
    Oh. Yeah, well, I guess that is a pretty good idea. Okay, fine, since you asked for it (rudely), I'll let you in on a few things I'm excited about for the new year.
     First, and foremost, I am overjoyed to announce there is now no longer any need for me to hear about the Mayan calendar. Seriously, these guys are dead and gone, okay? They lost already. Stop kicking their collective corpse with jokes about  their lack of accuracy as it pertains to Armageddon. No one else has gotten it right yet either, and I bet most of us won't thank the ones that do.
     Mayan calendar. Done.
     Also, I can't wait to see how this whole 'fiscal cliff' thing turns out. Mostly, I admit, because I'm tired of the phrase, but also because I'm ready for the next great political disaster that will bring us to the brink of economic collapse, but somehow, just at the last minute, and despite the great efforts of the other side, both political parties will manage to single-handedly save the country, and thus the world. It's been too long since everyone who ever wore an American flag pin demanded credit for something most of us are tired of talking about.
     Oh, and before I forget, I'm going to make a preemptive strike on this, and let everyone know how excited I am to tell you all that I do not -NOT- want to hear about your resolutions. Don't tell me about them, don't keep me updated on your progress, and above all, do not expect me to remember or care. I will not care, and I won't remember. I can't even remember why I walked in the kitchen half the time, much less who wants to lose weight or quit smoking or whatever. My brain is too full of more important things, such as the difference between right and left, and all the lyrics to the theme song from the 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' cartoon I grew up with.* So please, resolve to keep your resolutions to yourself. That way, when you give up on them, your shame and failure is known only to you.
     Finally, I'm excited to see what the teen years are going to be like for the 2000s. The first twelve years were pretty hectic, and puberty is likely to make things even more interesting. Thankfully, this ain't my teenager. I'm more like an uncle. I just show up to get him all riled up and full of sugar, and then I'm out of here.
-John

*Teenage mutant ninja turtles
  Teenage mutant ninja turtles
  Teenage mutant ninja turtles
  Heroes in a half shell
  Turtle power!

  They're the world's most fearsome fighting teens (we're really hip!)
  Heroes in a half shell and they're green (hey, get a grip!)
  When the evil Shredder attacks
  These turtle boys don't cut 'em  no slack

  Teenage mutant ninja turtles
  Teenage mutant ninja turtles

  Splinter taught them to be ninja teens (he's a radical rat!)
  Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines (and that's a fact, Jack!)
  Raphael is cool, but crude (gimme a break!)
  Michelangelo is a party dude (partayyyyyy!)


  Teenage mutant ninja turtles
  Teenage mutant ninja turtles
  Teenage mutant ninja turtles
  Heroes in a half shell
  Turtle power!
-Told you, and don't even act like you didn't want that.

Desperation

     It's been a powerful week, hasn't it, friends and neighbors? Between what happened in Connecticut, and what happened in central China, it's difficult to know where to go next, isn't it? It seems these events, and those like them, always leave people feeling scared, and more than a little lost. These things always come out of nowhere, because who could live a sane life always trying to be prepared for something like this? And even if we could, what kind of life would that leave us? Not much, to be sure.
     So we find ourselves always bewildered and horrified, as we should be, and in a state of collective shock, because it's so nonsensical, and utterly void of reason. That void is not one we are prepared to deal with, and we become desperate to fill it. With anything we can find. Some people fill it with faith in their chosen deity, and that helps. Some people need someone to blame, because identifying a cause for something brings it closer to reason. They blame parents, school systems, television, video games, peer bullying, whatever straw they can grasp at, not to excuse these tragedies, but to explain them.
     There are also always people who see these things as some kind of punishment, or a sign of ending times. Many of the rest of us, myself included, find it easy and helpful to get angry at them for reacting this way. It gives us a vent for our own pent up frustrations and fears. A vent many of us need, just to keep our perspective in check. And do we ever need it.
     Really though, it's just another attempt to put reason to the unreasonable, the chaotic and terrible. We are taught to think in terms of cause and effect, and not being able to put things clearly into this formula is strange and uncomfortable. We need a reason, and we take whatever we can get, because what choice do we have? We're desperate.
     Personally, I have no idea what it means, if anything, and I won't pretend to. I have learned that trying to apply my own meaning to events that are immeasurably bigger than I am only serves to confuse me more. All I can do instead is try to find some way to get over my own personal shock under control, and then do anything I can to help others do the same.
     Which in this case, isn't much, and what I little I have to offer is bittersweet, at best:
     The people in our lives that we love, that we cherish, are sadly no more permanent than we are, and the best we can do is hold on to them while we have them. Desperately.
     That's all for this week. Next, I'll see about some jokes.
-John

There Will be Christmas

     Well, friends and neighbors, it is indeed that time of year again. The ubiquitous pumpkin flavoring fades back into the cultural ether, only to be replaced by Peppermint, Eggnog, and Gingerbread. The beautiful bright reds and oranges and complimentary browns of nature shift into the gray skies and dark, muddy browns of bare tree limbs. This change, coupled with the dried, crunchy corpses of fallen leaves and occasional snowfalls, allows nature to take on a grim, darker sort of beauty, a reminder that life has stages, and death is part of that.
     This of course scares the daylights out of people, so they cover everything in bright colors and lights, in some weird and vain attempt to control nature and ward off death.
     And then they start in with the music.
     Oh, thank heaven for the contrived, vapidly happy music piped into every public place this time of year. If not for it, I might not have remembered that Santa made out with my mom, the weather is frightful, my grandmother was murdered by a flying reindeer, another reindeer (possibly that same vile fiend) has a bright red nose (which one would think would make him easier to catch and bring to justice), and my Christmas without you will be a blue one indeed. And shame, SHAME I say, on those who insist that if we cannot manage to end this "horrid, blood curdling, omnipresent auditory onslaught" (not my words, mind, not at all (except they obviously are)), then perhaps we can at least get some new songs. How dare you, I must ask, in order to continue. These plastic, heartlessly cheerful songs are as much a part of our holiday tradition as the yearly retail war we mournfully know as 'Black Friday,' so named because of the uncontrollable Birth Of The Savior fueled rage and violence that overtakes the reasoning faculties of so many retail shoppers. We need these songs, and as anyone who has ever worked in a retail environment will tell you, they are often the only thing that makes the day worthwhile, obviously excepting the joyful mood of the laid back, congenial customer.
     Insert segue here.
     However, the holiday -sorry, Christmas- season will not be completely here until I hear those valiant warriors of irrationality take their stance against the War On Christmas, and mercilessly attack all those who do not openly rejoice in this season of giving and tolerance and love. I am sure that this, the Yuletide Crusade, has begun, and the rumblings are being heard, but they have not reached my waiting ears just yet.
     My breath is baited.
     Speaking of tolerance, I also love the inclusive cheerfulness this time of year spreads to all kinds of people. Especially the Interesting Ones who insist that saying "Happy Holidays" is practically sacrilege, and everyone should feel free to exclusively say "Merry Christmas" instead, just like they do. These are usually the same harbingers of Joy and Noel that force feed their relatives holy abominations like fruit cake, and babble incessantly about the impending unlawful entry of Santa Claus. All done because, as another fictional character once said, "Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ."
     Finally, I would like to remind everyone that the true reason for the season, as they say, is to remember that we, most of us, have people in our lives that we love, and very probably could not do without. Furthermore, the best way to show these people that we care is through the thought and (especially) the act of giving them stuff. With that in mind, I am going to do all of you the favor of providing the opportunity to do just that.
     I have decided, for all of the completely well thought out and thoroughly practical reasons that generally come with spontaneous whimsy, that I want a Roomba. You know, one of those vacuum robots? Yeah, those. Lucky for you all, I cannot afford to spend $300.00 dollars on such a necessary object, which is where your opportunity comes in. All I need is ten bucks from thirty people, and this momentary, passing, and all important dream of mine can come true. That's an easy enough way to satisfy my insecure need for others to prove they love me through the giving of material possessions, right? Ten bucks? Come on, don't pretend like you don't have ten bucks' worth of love for me.
     The best part of it is, I'm proving my love for all of you by giving (see?) you the opportunity to give. Plus, you don't even have to go to the mall. See how much I care?
     Come on, gimme ten bucks. I'd do it for you, if I had a Roomba already. And ten bucks' worth of love for you.
-John