Good on ya! Good all over ya!

   


     Last week (or the week before, I don't remember), I made yet another attempt in my tireless crusade to improve our lives and legacies, by pointing out some of our more unforgivable (by which I mean largely unnoticed and arguably unimportant) atrocities (silly doings) in the hopes that we could correct them and thus make our world a better place in which we can all feel victimized and under appreciated by our friends and family. This week, friends and neighbors, I thought I might take a different track, and point out a few things that we have done or are doing well.
      Now I know you're freaking right out, because I'm not the guy you look to when you want a pat on the back. I'm really more comfortable impatiently explaining why everything is stupid and everyone is awful. I know, I know, I know. Calm down, it's going to be okay. Trust me, it's all still stupid and we're all still awful,  and there's a better than fair chance I'm not going to improve your outlook on life one little bit. I certainly won't be trying to, at any rate.
     Deal? Great, let's get to it.
     First, this year, in the United States, we had a presidential election. This is a good thing, but not as good as the fact that it's over, and now people can stop using up valuable social media space spitting vitriol at each other for having different opinions on stuff that they very likely don't fully understand. What is truly good though, is that a lot of people voted. I like that, because at least it's an attempt to make a difference, even if it might not. So good job, populace of the United States, you actually made an effort, instead of just shouting.
     I do have one piece of advice for Republicans: try and pick someone your base can really get behind, instead of just relying on them to vote against the other guy. Let me put it metaphorically, because I thought of one this morning, and can't get it out of my head.
     You know how every once in a while, a snack cracker or potato chip company, or some purveyor of processed junk food or another will have one of those contests where they let the consumer vote on what the next flavor of cracker, or chip, or what have you will be? Have you ever noticed that among the choices they offer, flavors like water, notebook paper, or unflavored yogurt flavor rarely make the list? Do you know why?
     Because flavorless crackers don't win public hearts.
     Just, you know, think about it.
     Now, let's move on to way more important things, like names I haven't heard this year. Despite the ever growing infection that is reality television, some things and names have seemingly disappeared from our cultural landscape, and I'd like to thank everyone for not paying any more attention to Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag, or that guy who left Kate and her plus eight. I realize it's a far cry from curing this epidemic, but it's at least a meager start, and meager is better than terrible.
     So, congratulations on achieving meagerness. I guess.
     Also, "Twilight" is ending! The last movie just came out, and soon hopefully we can all put this whole terrible thing behind us before the next terrible thing catches on. I'm tired of hearing people defend it, because it is objectively vapid and obnoxious and arguably offensive. And I'm tired of hearing people attack it, because I know already, okay? It's all been said, it's all correct, and I know. Can we please put a stake in this thing and pronounce it no longer glittering?
     Okay, now since I don't have a major ending here, I figure why not just list a few other things that happened this year that are pretty cool:
     1) We put a robot on Mars!
     2) There was no "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie!
     3) My very good friend, The One and Only Petra Kelly, won "best instrumentalist" at the "Dallas Observer Music Awards!" Congratulations!
     4) Nobody ran me over! Not that I was expecting it, but it's something I think people should keep doing. Or not doing. Whichever.
     Don't run me over.
-John