Good on ya! Good all over ya!

   


     Last week (or the week before, I don't remember), I made yet another attempt in my tireless crusade to improve our lives and legacies, by pointing out some of our more unforgivable (by which I mean largely unnoticed and arguably unimportant) atrocities (silly doings) in the hopes that we could correct them and thus make our world a better place in which we can all feel victimized and under appreciated by our friends and family. This week, friends and neighbors, I thought I might take a different track, and point out a few things that we have done or are doing well.
      Now I know you're freaking right out, because I'm not the guy you look to when you want a pat on the back. I'm really more comfortable impatiently explaining why everything is stupid and everyone is awful. I know, I know, I know. Calm down, it's going to be okay. Trust me, it's all still stupid and we're all still awful,  and there's a better than fair chance I'm not going to improve your outlook on life one little bit. I certainly won't be trying to, at any rate.
     Deal? Great, let's get to it.
     First, this year, in the United States, we had a presidential election. This is a good thing, but not as good as the fact that it's over, and now people can stop using up valuable social media space spitting vitriol at each other for having different opinions on stuff that they very likely don't fully understand. What is truly good though, is that a lot of people voted. I like that, because at least it's an attempt to make a difference, even if it might not. So good job, populace of the United States, you actually made an effort, instead of just shouting.
     I do have one piece of advice for Republicans: try and pick someone your base can really get behind, instead of just relying on them to vote against the other guy. Let me put it metaphorically, because I thought of one this morning, and can't get it out of my head.
     You know how every once in a while, a snack cracker or potato chip company, or some purveyor of processed junk food or another will have one of those contests where they let the consumer vote on what the next flavor of cracker, or chip, or what have you will be? Have you ever noticed that among the choices they offer, flavors like water, notebook paper, or unflavored yogurt flavor rarely make the list? Do you know why?
     Because flavorless crackers don't win public hearts.
     Just, you know, think about it.
     Now, let's move on to way more important things, like names I haven't heard this year. Despite the ever growing infection that is reality television, some things and names have seemingly disappeared from our cultural landscape, and I'd like to thank everyone for not paying any more attention to Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag, or that guy who left Kate and her plus eight. I realize it's a far cry from curing this epidemic, but it's at least a meager start, and meager is better than terrible.
     So, congratulations on achieving meagerness. I guess.
     Also, "Twilight" is ending! The last movie just came out, and soon hopefully we can all put this whole terrible thing behind us before the next terrible thing catches on. I'm tired of hearing people defend it, because it is objectively vapid and obnoxious and arguably offensive. And I'm tired of hearing people attack it, because I know already, okay? It's all been said, it's all correct, and I know. Can we please put a stake in this thing and pronounce it no longer glittering?
     Okay, now since I don't have a major ending here, I figure why not just list a few other things that happened this year that are pretty cool:
     1) We put a robot on Mars!
     2) There was no "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie!
     3) My very good friend, The One and Only Petra Kelly, won "best instrumentalist" at the "Dallas Observer Music Awards!" Congratulations!
     4) Nobody ran me over! Not that I was expecting it, but it's something I think people should keep doing. Or not doing. Whichever.
     Don't run me over.
-John
   
     

It's Time For Change, All Right

     Well, friends and neighbors, this year is drawing to a close. We've only to get through Thanksgiving, and then  of course Christmas and the horror it creates for many of us, and then, more than likely, the new year will begin. I've been thinking a lot (maybe twenty entire minutes) about this coming new year, and here's what I think:
     We should do things better in it.
     You know what I mean? We're doing all these things all wrong, and even some things we used to do right, we started doing wrong instead. Personally, I think this  might be a poor choice. So I'm going to run a few things by you, and then you can agree with me, and next year we can all make the necessary changes. This is why I'm writing this thing in November, so we can all have time to make the new adjustments. Not because I can't think of anything better to write about. Not, I said.
     Let's begin with a couple of things we used to do better than we do now. Like commercials, for instance. Remember when advertisers mostly just tried to sell us things by using sex? Whether it was a car, a beer, a set of power tools, whatever. Things were, you know, suggestive, and it was great. Now, when I do myself the disservice of not muting the commercials, mostly all I see is some schlubby guy with a beard and hipster glasses telling me that some thing is not as good as some other thing. This guy, I'm lead to believe, is hip. And  this thing he likes is hip, too, and being hip is cool.
     This seems like a good time to point out to everyone, man, woman, and child alike, that is hip is not, and has never been, cool. Okay? It's not. It's a totally different thing, involving trends and fads and other passing fancies. Hipness requires attention and work and maintenance, like a skill. Coolness is not about that. Not being either hip or cool myself, I've had time to observe the two, and that's they way it is. So stop trying to sell me hip, and go back to selling me stuff I want. Like sex.
     Also, and this may just be me (which does not make me wrong), but wasn't there a time when kids weren't in charge? It seems like there was. It seems like once, in a time largely forgotten in this world of ever advancing technology and receding basic reading skills, parents were actually in charge of their kids. Now I understand that teenagers are insane, but it seems like more of them are pregnant now than they used to be. Maybe it's because you can get on television for it now. Also, if you're a rich kid, it seems like you can get famous for being an awful person. Hearing generations that came before mine tell it, all a kid would get for behaving like that was a well deserved hiding, not a new car and a starring role in some show on MTV.
     Which brings me to one of the things we've been doing wrong for too long, and I vote we change next year. Let's stop giving positive feedback to people who deserve to be in reform school. Or jail. I know most of us defend ourselves by saying these things are a "guilty pleasure," or flat out admit that "it's totally trashy, but I can't help myself." Well, help yourself anyway. These people don't care if you're looking down on them through your TV, okay? They just want you watching them. It's like how psychiatrists think kids are acting out because they need more attention, even if it's negative attention.
     And as far as looking down on them, well, stop it. It's mean, and the fact that producers are taking advantage of that is the best time to use the word 'sleazy' I've found in recent memory. Besides, talking about how dumb and terrible these people are is really just a way of making ourselves feel better about us, and I think we can set that bar a little higher.
     Okay, enough of that. How about these electric cars? Does anyone else think we're going about this all wrong? Never mind that they're still trying to use that 'hipness' thing to get us to buy them, but why do they have to look like the crappy little toys that come in those gumball machines outside Toys 'R' Us? Hey, car companies, here's what you do: Prove that the electric engines you're making are so awesome, and the fuel efficiency is so great, by making cars awesome again. Remember how huge cars used to be? I grew up in a 1968 Ford Galaxie, and let me tell you, I used to sleep under the rear window on road trips, looking up into the night sky, with my sister sleeping next to me. We had more room than we needed, and it was amazing. Now? Not a chance. You have to buy an SUV for that, and those are mostly awful.
     Why not make an electric car that doesn't make its driver look like a budget conscious giant?
     Look, I know some of this may have come across a little harsh, but you brought it on yourselves.
     Honey Boo-Boo, for Pete's sake.
     Good grief, you guys.
-John