Cannibals are better than NASCAR

     Okay, this time we're gonna do something new, because I didn't think of it until now. My homepage has a bunch of headlines that rotate through a cycle every few seconds. So I'm just gonna bust through them rapid fire, and see what happens. Ready? Grand.
1. "Biggest Busts in the NBA"- I expect they're mostly c-cups.
2. "Melissa Rycroft Welcomes Baby"- I don't know what a Melissa Rycroft is, but I'm sure it's baby will want to be famous.
3. "Fashion Week's Worst Looks"-  Fashion Week? Is that real? Like for REAL real?
4. "Reasons Why You're Single"- Now that just seems like it would be insulting.
5. "NASCAR Still Misses Legend"- Well, maybe if they slow down a little, they'll hit him next time.
     And there's more, but you know what? I'm gonna stop there, because I think you get the idea, yes? Or were those awesome one liners too distracting in their brilliance? Hang on, I'll re-read them and check. . .
     No. Clearly not.
     Fair enough. Perhaps you're not catching it because I made no effort to really explain it, in my eagerness to get to the NASCAR thing. That's probably it.
     My point is that despite everything that's going on in the world, these are the headlines I'm getting. All that stuff in Italy and Egypt and so on? You have to go to another page for that. It's pretty close to another article about a man getting killed in Australia. Wanna know what killed him? (You do.) Gotta click a link. But the legend NASCAR can't seem to mow down? (My fondness for that joke is completely unreasonable. And I don't care.) That's page one material, baby! Oh, and, uh, it was two sharks. Great Whites, maybe. Who killed that guy. That Australian guy. He was diving.
     Also on that page was this, which is way more awesome than anything that happened to Melissa Rycroft, even during Fashion Week. (I can't believe I had to capitalize that phrase.) :
     "Creepy Cannibals: Bones Show Ancient Britons Ate the Dead, Used Skulls as Cups"
     How cool is that? Stupid wicked awesome cool, that's how. But no, I don't get that on my homepage, no sir, I get to find out instead who Lady Gaga wants to play her in a movie. Marisa Tomei, and now that's something I am unable to not know.
     Personally, I'm not all that bothered by this lack of significance in our daily news feeds, because it gives me plenty of things I can loathe, and we all know that's how I get my jollies. But I ask you, my friends and neighbors, what kind of person would choose this:
"Spears' New Video Analyzed" (How is that even necessary?)
over this:
"Doctors Remove Knife From Man's Head After Four Years" (Totally happened in China, by the way, which you really should have seen coming.)
No kind of person worth his or her while, that's what. Hmm. . . the deep rooted psychological issues at play in Britney's latest, or how I can get stabbed in the head, leave the blade in there for four years, and live to tell about it? Decisions, decisions. . .
-John