So I'm thirty now, and have been for a little while. A lot of people told me that thirty is where it gets good, a few people told me that thirty was terrifying, and some people told me that thirty is no big deal. So far, I can confirm that "No Big Deal" is exactly what thirty is. It's the beginning of what I expect will be a long period of time where everyone who's passed that landmark thinks you're still so young, and everyone who hasn't thinks you're too old to sleep with. So no one will listen to you.
And since no one cares about thirty year old folk, and I really don't either, I thought I'd pass along a little advice to the only generation america does seem to care about culturally anymore, which is teens. So, here it is, my adolescent friends and puberty haunted neighbors, a little list for you:
1. Everything you know about how the world works is a lie, and everything you believe in is essentially a defense mechanism to keep that unknown reality from destroying what you call sanity. Good luck.
2. Pull up your pants. All of you. Especially if you insist on wearing those skinny pants. I understand it's a fashion choice, but between the unnecessary tightness and unwanted underwear exhibition, it seriously looks like you don't know how pants work. It reflects not only on you, but your parents. They don't deserve that.
3. In ten years, you will look back on many aspects of your adolescence, such as your hair style, your attitude, your clothes, your choices, that one person you dated for a little while, and all that money you spent on acne products that didn't work and scented hygiene things that were awful, and think on what an idiot you were. If you don't, then you didn't tour teenagerdom properly. Or, you're still an idiot. Hope for the former.
4. Learn to spell. Seriously. Please.
5. Beware getting involved in anything that involves a ritual. From religion to smoking cigarettes, the ritual of the act is often harder to kick than the habit itself. And whatever you do, don't talk about it. We don't care.
6. Eventually, you will be asked, if not forced, to pick a side. You'll know what I mean when it happens. Don't let this stop you from listening to other people.
7. At some point in your life, you will most likely do something just for the money. Remember this when someone tells you that love is all you need, and then scowl at that person until they stop talking to you. It's fun.
8. Vices are great. Get one you can handle.
9. Life exists outside of your stupid phone. Turn it off once in a while.
10. Don't listen to you. You're a teenager, and you don't know anything.
So there you go. Enjoy your Thanksgiving.
-John
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Stop That Returns
Batmanning? Are you kidding me with this? (It's like planking, only people hang upside down from their ankles, like Batman sometimes does.) First I have to put up with the fact that someone thought Michelle Bachman should be president, and now Batmanning? Praise be to Allah, this is stupid. The only thing that redeems it at all is that most of the people who do it fall on their heads, hopefully doing varying but long lasting brain damage. This will make their future videos all the more entertaining. Seriously though, stop this at once.
Speaking of things people are doing because the internet has convinced them that stupidity is funny, I saw a car commercial yesterday where hip hop dancing mice (or gerbils, or hamsters, or whatever) interrupt a future war of some kind and, I guess, end it through dance and driving an ugly, bright green vehicle. This is what people are doing with and because of the greatest technological advancement in humankind's erratic history.
Well, this and pornography,*
What I have to ask you, friends and neighbors, is this: Is the internet making us dumber, or has it only provided us with the ultimate medium for conveying how dumb we already are? Perhaps it's less a cause of stupidity and more a facilitator, akin to giving everyone (EVVVVERYYYYONNNE!!) a bullhorn and telling them to yell whatever they think about anything. For example, thanks to the internet and texting, many of us are now aware that people, many of them full grown adults, haven't the slightest idea how to spell anything. And here I don't mean the word 'anything', but instead I mean every actual word. All anyone can spell anymore is LOL and this guy:
:)
I hate that guy. Look, if you can't convey the tone of what you're writing, putting that stupid thing at the end of it is not an acceptable substitute. And, by the way, it is not, NOT, punctuation. IF you must insist on using it, then I feel I have the right to insist on punctuation. Your sentences need periods. Think of it as an eyebrow piercing.
However, I'm getting away from my point here, which is this: stop putting every stupid thing you stupid think or stupid do on the stupid internet. Stupid.
Don't you know it's contagious?
Think about it. Let's run through a scenario, shall we? (We really should, and so we shall.)
Some poor fool with a smart phone (though I guess these days that sort of goes without saying, doesn't it?) goes into a Wal-Mart, as many poor fools continue to do. While inside, our poor foolish hero has the misfortune to see a large person wearing something awful, like their young child's spandex shorts. As a sports bra. Instead of a shirt. As is the custom these days, the aforementioned protagonist uses said smart phone to snap a picture and place it on the internet. It, like everything else, ends up on some site with a clever caption, and you, being a cleverly captioned photo enthusiast, see it.
You are now infected.
It starts, sure, with the person in the spandex, who clearly has the disease because of their decision to go out in public like that. However, our hero has already displayed if not early symptoms, then at least a vulnerability to this illness by entering Wal-Mart. The act of snapping the photo and placing it on the internet ensures an infection. They are done for.
But it doesn't end there. These two have managed to get this disease out of Wal-Mart and into the rest of the world, showing and infecting us with Stupiditis, as I like to call it. It's a pandemic, and we're all in GRAVE DANGER!
WE HAVE TO ACT NOW! TIME IS SHORT, PEOPLE! WHY AREN'T YOU DOING SOMETHING? ACT! YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME! WE HAVE TO MAKE A PLEDGE TO NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, CONTRIBUTE TO THIS SPREADING AND MERGING AND THUS INCREASING STUPIDITIS! LISTEN, THE TIME TO ACT IS NOW, I BESEECH YOU TO-
Oh, hey, somebody posted a new "Success Kid!" I gotta go.
-John
* Also, pointless blogs written by egomaniacs.
Speaking of things people are doing because the internet has convinced them that stupidity is funny, I saw a car commercial yesterday where hip hop dancing mice (or gerbils, or hamsters, or whatever) interrupt a future war of some kind and, I guess, end it through dance and driving an ugly, bright green vehicle. This is what people are doing with and because of the greatest technological advancement in humankind's erratic history.
Well, this and pornography,*
What I have to ask you, friends and neighbors, is this: Is the internet making us dumber, or has it only provided us with the ultimate medium for conveying how dumb we already are? Perhaps it's less a cause of stupidity and more a facilitator, akin to giving everyone (EVVVVERYYYYONNNE!!) a bullhorn and telling them to yell whatever they think about anything. For example, thanks to the internet and texting, many of us are now aware that people, many of them full grown adults, haven't the slightest idea how to spell anything. And here I don't mean the word 'anything', but instead I mean every actual word. All anyone can spell anymore is LOL and this guy:
:)
I hate that guy. Look, if you can't convey the tone of what you're writing, putting that stupid thing at the end of it is not an acceptable substitute. And, by the way, it is not, NOT, punctuation. IF you must insist on using it, then I feel I have the right to insist on punctuation. Your sentences need periods. Think of it as an eyebrow piercing.
However, I'm getting away from my point here, which is this: stop putting every stupid thing you stupid think or stupid do on the stupid internet. Stupid.
Don't you know it's contagious?
Think about it. Let's run through a scenario, shall we? (We really should, and so we shall.)
Some poor fool with a smart phone (though I guess these days that sort of goes without saying, doesn't it?) goes into a Wal-Mart, as many poor fools continue to do. While inside, our poor foolish hero has the misfortune to see a large person wearing something awful, like their young child's spandex shorts. As a sports bra. Instead of a shirt. As is the custom these days, the aforementioned protagonist uses said smart phone to snap a picture and place it on the internet. It, like everything else, ends up on some site with a clever caption, and you, being a cleverly captioned photo enthusiast, see it.
You are now infected.
It starts, sure, with the person in the spandex, who clearly has the disease because of their decision to go out in public like that. However, our hero has already displayed if not early symptoms, then at least a vulnerability to this illness by entering Wal-Mart. The act of snapping the photo and placing it on the internet ensures an infection. They are done for.
But it doesn't end there. These two have managed to get this disease out of Wal-Mart and into the rest of the world, showing and infecting us with Stupiditis, as I like to call it. It's a pandemic, and we're all in GRAVE DANGER!
WE HAVE TO ACT NOW! TIME IS SHORT, PEOPLE! WHY AREN'T YOU DOING SOMETHING? ACT! YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME! WE HAVE TO MAKE A PLEDGE TO NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, CONTRIBUTE TO THIS SPREADING AND MERGING AND THUS INCREASING STUPIDITIS! LISTEN, THE TIME TO ACT IS NOW, I BESEECH YOU TO-
Oh, hey, somebody posted a new "Success Kid!" I gotta go.
-John
* Also, pointless blogs written by egomaniacs.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Hey you kids!
So, since last we convened here, many things have happened. Randy Savage saved the rest of us from God's rapturous wrath by sacrificing himself and his car, and we should all be thanking him for that. Personally, I've been wondering why no one's made a push for him to receive a sainthood. And don't you dare try to tell me he doesn't deserve it, blasphemer, just because chronologically the events don't add up. This is religion we're talking about here, and we all know reason has no place in the houses of the holy. Besides, how could you even think to try and deny me the opportunity to put this sentence in print: "Snap in to the rapture, ohhh yyeeeaah!"
You knew it was coming, I know, but that doesn't make it not awesome.
Moving on, I turned thirty, and now I feel I have even more of a right to say this than I ever have before:
young people are ruining this.
By 'this' I of course mean everything, but I do have a specific topic in mind today, and I will share it with you shortly. Like really shortly. Like right now.
Planking. What happened here?
For those of you who don't know, planking basically consists of lying down on something people don't usually lie down on, preferably in groups. Aside from the snapping of a picture and posting said picture online, that's pretty much it.
Explanation complete, and now I have must reiterate my question: What happened here?
Is this what our sense of humor has devolved into? Has the bar for comedy been set so low by Kevin James movies and George Lopez that looking at other people lying down on things is now entertainment? What else it could be? Is there a message here that I'm not getting? Maybe it's a statement on how people need to stand up for things they believe in, instead of just lying down. Or maybe it's more pointed at shaking us out of the way we see the world, showing us that things don't always have to be exactly how they appear. Maybe these social revolutionaries are trying to help us realize that the world is full of new and exciting adventures if we're just willing to lie down on stuff.
Though really I just think it's sort of the equal and opposite reaction to parkour that we should have expected. You know, like planking is to parkour what light beer is to whiskey, or golf is to all other sports, or, to be as accurate as possible, lying down is to moving.
Finally, with these kids, there's this Google+ thing. What in the name of Saint Savage (ohhh yyeeaahh!!) is this crap about? We need another social networking site? Why not just wait until virtual reality, that way you'll be able to hang out with friends in a completely realistic way, just like people used to do before the internet had to be involved in every aspect of your stupid life? What, there aren't enough farm games and ridiculous gadgets on Facebook, you gotta go out and find some other means of communicating the daily minutiae from your life, arrogantly assuming people care? Stop that! Trust me, however much or little of an internet presence you are, it's enough. We don't need more.
Unless of course you irregularly and infrequently write a blog, which contains equally infrequent and inconsistent humor. Then you should be critically and publicly lauded for every minute you spend online, and also rewarded financially.
-John
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
People Among, Um, Other People
So I was gonna do this last week, but then I didn't. Don't take that as an apology, because few people even care if I do this, and even fewer (0) pay me for it, so I'll do it when I please, how 'bout? How. 'Bout.
This time around I thought I'd introduce yet another new thing, since that thing I did last time with the stupid news stories did so well (10 whole views! Not including mine! Ah, fame at last!) This time I'm going to share with you a few of the people I love, since they all do so much to make every day I skulk along this earth so unbearably joyous and light filled.*
And now I bet you're sitting there, thinking to yourself, or possibly saying to a friend, "I bet he's gonna talk about Charlie Sheen, " aren't you? Well you're wrong, Buster Brown! I have no intention of making Charlie Sheen the subject of anything else, nor do I have to. Know why? Because everyone else is making it my business anyway. And thank God for that, too. Heaven knows, with all the interest I have in whatever self absorbed lunacy he most recently unleashed upon his ONE MILLION PLUS Twitter followers (none. I have none interest), and the countless times I've wanted to watch his Youtube Channel ( you can easily count them. It's Zero. It's Youtube he's on, right?), never mind all the episodes of Two and a Half Men I've watched (pfft. Please), I simply rejoice in all the people who keep this train on track by posting his inanery (which I know isn't actually a word, but given the context I feel it all the more appropriate) on their social network sites. Thanks for that, guys! How I love you for it!
Hey! How 'bout we make some new lingo, too! Wouldn't that great? Let's see. . . okay, try this: anytime anyone insists on making a public spectacle of his own unabashed self worship, we can say he's really taken a sheen to himself! HAHAHAHAHaaaaaa!!!! (Seriously, can we be done with miscreant fool now? Please?)
Moving on, I also find myself having more and more deep, passionate, violent love for anyone and everyone who wears cologne or perfume. And not just because so many of them like it so much that they use bottles of it at a time, no sir, my love is for all of you. Because only a true visionary can actually believe that other people would want to be engulfed in a cloud of chemically produced smells that don't smell like any actual thing (sting his nose with passion is not a scent, okay? It's not even a good name! (or a real one, don't look it up)) when said visionary walks by. Surely since you like it, the rest of us must as well. I especially like it when you stand super close to me, put your face really close to mine, and tell me something about your brain dead children or, failing that, emotionally overbearing cat.
The only people who manage to drag my olfactory affections away from those pleasantly perfumed people who're predisposed to pass my path (and that's how you alliterate) are those who reside on the other end of the specially scented spectrum (TA-DOW! Again!), the intentionally unwashed. So green, these people! Saving all that water! Why, they're so environmentally friendly, they even smell like a cave (you know, those caves that're all damp, and the floor is covered in guano. Those caves.) Why so far away Mr. Body Odor Man? Perhaps you and MS. Perfume can both come stand next to me, and the fumes can help me take that unexpected nap I've been jonesing for.
Also, Celine Dion. Love her so much I'd like to get a front lawn. (you know, so I can get a giant dog and teach it to attack her. Gotta get a front lawn if you have a big dog)
Finally, just one last thing: It's okay to have a catchphrase or two, friends and neighbors, but if you say it again every five minutes,then it's less of a catchphrase, and more of a WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT? ARE YOU UNAWARE THAT OTHER WORDS CAN BE USED MORE THAN ONCE A DAY? OH MY GOD, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT BEFORE MY EYEBALLS BLEED OUT AND MY HEAD COLLAPSES IN ON ITSELF LIKE IN WEEKEND AT BERNIES'! (OR WHATEVER!) YOU WORTHLESS, SIMPLE-MINDED, CRETINOUS BLACK HOLE OF-
Whoaaaaaaa. . . completely lost it there. Didn't even keep the sarcasm. And Weekend at Bernies'? The hell did that come from? That didn't even happen, I don't think. Man alive, I gotta settle down.
-John
*The idiots.
This time around I thought I'd introduce yet another new thing, since that thing I did last time with the stupid news stories did so well (10 whole views! Not including mine! Ah, fame at last!) This time I'm going to share with you a few of the people I love, since they all do so much to make every day I skulk along this earth so unbearably joyous and light filled.*
And now I bet you're sitting there, thinking to yourself, or possibly saying to a friend, "I bet he's gonna talk about Charlie Sheen, " aren't you? Well you're wrong, Buster Brown! I have no intention of making Charlie Sheen the subject of anything else, nor do I have to. Know why? Because everyone else is making it my business anyway. And thank God for that, too. Heaven knows, with all the interest I have in whatever self absorbed lunacy he most recently unleashed upon his ONE MILLION PLUS Twitter followers (none. I have none interest), and the countless times I've wanted to watch his Youtube Channel ( you can easily count them. It's Zero. It's Youtube he's on, right?), never mind all the episodes of Two and a Half Men I've watched (pfft. Please), I simply rejoice in all the people who keep this train on track by posting his inanery (which I know isn't actually a word, but given the context I feel it all the more appropriate) on their social network sites. Thanks for that, guys! How I love you for it!
Hey! How 'bout we make some new lingo, too! Wouldn't that great? Let's see. . . okay, try this: anytime anyone insists on making a public spectacle of his own unabashed self worship, we can say he's really taken a sheen to himself! HAHAHAHAHaaaaaa!!!! (Seriously, can we be done with miscreant fool now? Please?)
Moving on, I also find myself having more and more deep, passionate, violent love for anyone and everyone who wears cologne or perfume. And not just because so many of them like it so much that they use bottles of it at a time, no sir, my love is for all of you. Because only a true visionary can actually believe that other people would want to be engulfed in a cloud of chemically produced smells that don't smell like any actual thing (sting his nose with passion is not a scent, okay? It's not even a good name! (or a real one, don't look it up)) when said visionary walks by. Surely since you like it, the rest of us must as well. I especially like it when you stand super close to me, put your face really close to mine, and tell me something about your brain dead children or, failing that, emotionally overbearing cat.
The only people who manage to drag my olfactory affections away from those pleasantly perfumed people who're predisposed to pass my path (and that's how you alliterate) are those who reside on the other end of the specially scented spectrum (TA-DOW! Again!), the intentionally unwashed. So green, these people! Saving all that water! Why, they're so environmentally friendly, they even smell like a cave (you know, those caves that're all damp, and the floor is covered in guano. Those caves.) Why so far away Mr. Body Odor Man? Perhaps you and MS. Perfume can both come stand next to me, and the fumes can help me take that unexpected nap I've been jonesing for.
Also, Celine Dion. Love her so much I'd like to get a front lawn. (you know, so I can get a giant dog and teach it to attack her. Gotta get a front lawn if you have a big dog)
Finally, just one last thing: It's okay to have a catchphrase or two, friends and neighbors, but if you say it again every five minutes,then it's less of a catchphrase, and more of a WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT? ARE YOU UNAWARE THAT OTHER WORDS CAN BE USED MORE THAN ONCE A DAY? OH MY GOD, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT BEFORE MY EYEBALLS BLEED OUT AND MY HEAD COLLAPSES IN ON ITSELF LIKE IN WEEKEND AT BERNIES'! (OR WHATEVER!) YOU WORTHLESS, SIMPLE-MINDED, CRETINOUS BLACK HOLE OF-
Whoaaaaaaa. . . completely lost it there. Didn't even keep the sarcasm. And Weekend at Bernies'? The hell did that come from? That didn't even happen, I don't think. Man alive, I gotta settle down.
-John
*The idiots.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Cannibals are better than NASCAR
Okay, this time we're gonna do something new, because I didn't think of it until now. My homepage has a bunch of headlines that rotate through a cycle every few seconds. So I'm just gonna bust through them rapid fire, and see what happens. Ready? Grand.
1. "Biggest Busts in the NBA"- I expect they're mostly c-cups.
2. "Melissa Rycroft Welcomes Baby"- I don't know what a Melissa Rycroft is, but I'm sure it's baby will want to be famous.
3. "Fashion Week's Worst Looks"- Fashion Week? Is that real? Like for REAL real?
4. "Reasons Why You're Single"- Now that just seems like it would be insulting.
5. "NASCAR Still Misses Legend"- Well, maybe if they slow down a little, they'll hit him next time.
And there's more, but you know what? I'm gonna stop there, because I think you get the idea, yes? Or were those awesome one liners too distracting in their brilliance? Hang on, I'll re-read them and check. . .
No. Clearly not.
Fair enough. Perhaps you're not catching it because I made no effort to really explain it, in my eagerness to get to the NASCAR thing. That's probably it.
My point is that despite everything that's going on in the world, these are the headlines I'm getting. All that stuff in Italy and Egypt and so on? You have to go to another page for that. It's pretty close to another article about a man getting killed in Australia. Wanna know what killed him? (You do.) Gotta click a link. But the legend NASCAR can't seem to mow down? (My fondness for that joke is completely unreasonable. And I don't care.) That's page one material, baby! Oh, and, uh, it was two sharks. Great Whites, maybe. Who killed that guy. That Australian guy. He was diving.
Also on that page was this, which is way more awesome than anything that happened to Melissa Rycroft, even during Fashion Week. (I can't believe I had to capitalize that phrase.) :
"Creepy Cannibals: Bones Show Ancient Britons Ate the Dead, Used Skulls as Cups"
How cool is that? Stupid wicked awesome cool, that's how. But no, I don't get that on my homepage, no sir, I get to find out instead who Lady Gaga wants to play her in a movie. Marisa Tomei, and now that's something I am unable to not know.
Personally, I'm not all that bothered by this lack of significance in our daily news feeds, because it gives me plenty of things I can loathe, and we all know that's how I get my jollies. But I ask you, my friends and neighbors, what kind of person would choose this:
"Spears' New Video Analyzed" (How is that even necessary?)
over this:
"Doctors Remove Knife From Man's Head After Four Years" (Totally happened in China, by the way, which you really should have seen coming.)
No kind of person worth his or her while, that's what. Hmm. . . the deep rooted psychological issues at play in Britney's latest, or how I can get stabbed in the head, leave the blade in there for four years, and live to tell about it? Decisions, decisions. . .
-John
1. "Biggest Busts in the NBA"- I expect they're mostly c-cups.
2. "Melissa Rycroft Welcomes Baby"- I don't know what a Melissa Rycroft is, but I'm sure it's baby will want to be famous.
3. "Fashion Week's Worst Looks"- Fashion Week? Is that real? Like for REAL real?
4. "Reasons Why You're Single"- Now that just seems like it would be insulting.
5. "NASCAR Still Misses Legend"- Well, maybe if they slow down a little, they'll hit him next time.
And there's more, but you know what? I'm gonna stop there, because I think you get the idea, yes? Or were those awesome one liners too distracting in their brilliance? Hang on, I'll re-read them and check. . .
No. Clearly not.
Fair enough. Perhaps you're not catching it because I made no effort to really explain it, in my eagerness to get to the NASCAR thing. That's probably it.
My point is that despite everything that's going on in the world, these are the headlines I'm getting. All that stuff in Italy and Egypt and so on? You have to go to another page for that. It's pretty close to another article about a man getting killed in Australia. Wanna know what killed him? (You do.) Gotta click a link. But the legend NASCAR can't seem to mow down? (My fondness for that joke is completely unreasonable. And I don't care.) That's page one material, baby! Oh, and, uh, it was two sharks. Great Whites, maybe. Who killed that guy. That Australian guy. He was diving.
Also on that page was this, which is way more awesome than anything that happened to Melissa Rycroft, even during Fashion Week. (I can't believe I had to capitalize that phrase.) :
"Creepy Cannibals: Bones Show Ancient Britons Ate the Dead, Used Skulls as Cups"
How cool is that? Stupid wicked awesome cool, that's how. But no, I don't get that on my homepage, no sir, I get to find out instead who Lady Gaga wants to play her in a movie. Marisa Tomei, and now that's something I am unable to not know.
Personally, I'm not all that bothered by this lack of significance in our daily news feeds, because it gives me plenty of things I can loathe, and we all know that's how I get my jollies. But I ask you, my friends and neighbors, what kind of person would choose this:
"Spears' New Video Analyzed" (How is that even necessary?)
over this:
"Doctors Remove Knife From Man's Head After Four Years" (Totally happened in China, by the way, which you really should have seen coming.)
No kind of person worth his or her while, that's what. Hmm. . . the deep rooted psychological issues at play in Britney's latest, or how I can get stabbed in the head, leave the blade in there for four years, and live to tell about it? Decisions, decisions. . .
-John
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