Oh, you lucky people!

     Public school still sucks, there's a bunch of "new" animals in Papa new Guniea, Pee-Wee Herman is trending on yahoo right now, and a bunch of other stuff is happening. But none of it matters, really. Wanna know why? No, stop, don't answer that question. I know you do, and I can't hear you anyway, so reel it in. I'll put it out there for all of us, and save time and precious oxygen:
      Because I haven't been here to tell you how much I hate all of it. (See? Told you you didn't have to tell me.)It's been two states, one social networking site, and a long, long, time, my friends and neighbors. Shall we?
     I think we shall:
     First, since I briefly mentioned social networking sites, we have the daring and possibly inanswerable question, Does your baby need an online presence? Everyone who has a kid these days has pictures of them on the interlattice, which is kind of like showing everyone you know the pictures you keep in your wallet every time you say anything clever, like "I hate my job!" or "Hey! Here's a video of a cat!". In the real world, this often produces what people who work from home refer to as "justifiable homicide." They watch a lot of cop shows.
     Some of these virtual parents even create profiles on Facebook and Whatnot (which is not actually one of these sites as far as I know, but I'm capitalizing it because it probably will be in five or ten minutes. Don't tell me about it; I don't care.) So, assuming this trend continues, and it's dumb, so it will, what we'll have pretty soon is just the best dating site ever for pedophiles. Way to go mom and dad! Kid's gotta learn about the birds and the bees somehow, right? Why not let the proud, respectable members of NAMBLA  take care of that for you? Think it over.
     By the way, the answer is no, your kid does not need an online presence until he or she is old enough to create it his or her self. And judging from a lot of the secretions adults are leaving all over each other's desktops (that was gross) probably not even then.
     Moving on, we're going to begin anew our coolest country in the world competition, because the heads of all these stupid countries can't seem to understand that just because it's three in the afternoon there, it doesn't mean it's okay to call me in the middle of my night time and tell me how awesome things are wherever the hell they are (seriously, Kim Jong, I don't care about your kid. Looks like someone carved a jack-o-lantern face in a potato. A stupid potato.)
     First, Ecuador, because the headline I read used the phrase "witchhunt", and I haven't seen that in a while. Plus it's October. Makes me feel Halloween-y*. They had a mutiny! They kidnapped their own president! It was an attempted coup, people! You know how long it's been since I heard about one of those? All we get in These Somewhat United States is people who argue on television over which one of their opinions is louder, and thus right. I for one feel jipped. Ecuador, you get second prize. Or as we call it in the land where little league games are no longer scored, "First runner-up." (Makes me wanna spit. People lose sometimes, most of them will lose most times, and cookies make you fat. Get over it.)
     But, because I simply cannot help it, and they just refuse to give in to Paraguay's bribes to take a dive, China, our reigning champion, keeps the title of coolest nation on planet Earth.
     A man in China just won the Nobel Peace Prize. His name is Liu Xiaobo, and guess what? He's a literary critic. China is so cool it's citizens don't even have to produce stuff to win. This guy's even a prisoner, and he got the Nobel Peace Prize! Makes me pretty ashamed of our criminal class, let me tell you.
     Anyway, this guy Liu is prison because he's pro democracy, and China is clearly not interested. So China is all, "Not cool, Norway" and Norway's like "Eat it, sucka!" and Obama's all "I won the prize last year. Let this dude go" and citizens in China are totally going "Stop censoring all our gadgets! We make most of this crap here, we oughtta be able to use it!" and citizens in These S.U.S.A. (see above) are all "Let's go see the Facebook movie and get a hot dog!" because we never pay attention to anything anymore.
    See you guys again soon.

* The word "witchhunt." Not Ecuador. Though I think they do have bats there.