The problem is called Ted Cruz, and it’s time for us cut it out, toss it in a biohazard bag, and chuck it in the garbage.
You all remember Ted Cruz right? From that ridiculous bid for President, wherein this tumor embarrassed the people from my native state many times over, though perhaps most intensely during an attempt to cook bacon by wrapping it around the barrel of a gun and firing said weapon until the heat of it cooked the bacon. I don’t know about you, friends and neighbors, but I for one didn’t care for how this idiotic stunt not only reinforced the stereotype that we think of guns as toys, but also conveyed the notion that we don’t know how to properly cook bacon. Which is simply inexcusable.
Now, it would be easy to focus on the more surface level symptoms of this problem, but that’s beneath me and wouldn’t really provide a cure. I mean sure, it’s tempting to compare this problem cosmetically to a half deflated Christmas lawn elf, or maybe a great mound of rancid pancake batter, but that’s not why we’re here.
We’re here instead because the opportunity to finally remove this tumor is once again upon us, and we need to seize the chance to excise this thing and send it to the trash heap, otherwise known as the Fox News guest roster where it belongs. Even if, once upon a time in the distant past, before the exposure of the national stage shone its light and illuminated all flawed, short-sighted foolishness for all to see, you counted yourself as a supporter, it is now impossible to deny the need for this infections’ time in government to end.
Consider if you will, a recent cystic statement purporting that the Democratic Party is the party of Lisa Simpson, and the Republican Party is happily that of Homer, Bart, Marge and Maggie. For context, I remind you that the growth in question belongs to the Republican Party, and seems to believe his analogy is complementary to same. I would now like to point out that anyone who is familiar with the Simpsons family not only knows that Lisa is the smartest, kindest, and most generally capable member, and Bart and Homer are a pair of the laziest, pettiest, most selfish, dimmest bulbs in Springfield,and are portrayed as shining examples of terrible human behavior.
Also, Marge is a Bailey Booster from way back, and considering Mr. Burns ran against Governor Bailey as a Republican, it’s a good guess that both of the ladies mentioned in this sentence are Democrats.
As for Maggie, I personally wouldn’t presume to say know how she leans politically, as she’s a baby and does not speak. Though from what I’ve seen, she’s definitely more responsible with a firearm than this malignant lump.
Not that a lack of Simpsons knowledge is all the reason we need to rid ourselves of this parasite (though it is.) If one were so inclined, one could also point out another recent eruption of rotted rumination, wherein our parasitic organism stated that Democrats favor “unlimited abortion right up to birth.” I suppose a dedication to protecting and preserving life is noble, but it’s kind of nullified by the aforementioned promotion irresponsible gun use. Not to mention the attempted denial of aid to hurricane victims and healthcare to people who can’t afford it.
Whatever your reasons, Texans, it’s pretty obvious that this tumor isn’t doing you any good, and there’s an opening for surgery in November. I suggest you sign up.
-John
