They, the People

   
     No one talks to anyone any more, right? No one really communicates anymore, because everyone is too busy looking at their phone screen, or computer screen, or the archaic and soon to be forgotten television screen. It seems to be an epidemic, one that places in danger the very moral fabric of our society. This growing lack of personal interaction, this vanishing of the face to face experience, it's going to be the doom of us all, just like gay marriage was, just like the Y2K bug was, just like making a deity mad by not gutting some livestock was.
     This is what I am being told, and it really seems like something that would bother me, doesn't it? The whole idea of people communicating primarily through mediums that introduce phrases like YOLO and OMFG and so on, seems like it would be, to put it mildly, abhorrent to the very core of my sanity. And the thing is, I'm not especially happy about it. I do agree that it's rude to be staring at one's phone during a conversation with an actual present human being, or during a movie, or on a roller coaster, for instance. I would prefer it if more members of society put their phones down, and maybe ate dinner together instead of taking pictures of it. I'm fully on board with this.
     What I'm not on board with is the reasons people are giving for their displeasure. Like when people say they miss the days when they could chat with someone on the bus, instead of just sitting in silence, surrounded by a sea of headphone enveloped ears. Or when they complain about how people waiting in lines just look at their phones, or, heaven forbid, make a phone call, instead of chatting with the people around them, and "meeting new friends!"
     This is all what we in the business (of what, I'm not sure) call garbage talk, and it usually comes from the mouths of those who say things in the vein of, "I like people", which is what we in the business (professional malcontention, maybe?) call a lie.
     Nobody likes people, okay? Nobody. What makes your morning commute such a pain, all that traffic, those hateful red lights, that line at your coffee place when you're already running late? Who's responsible for making your job more difficult than you believe it has right to be?
     People do those things. All of them.
     We like our friends (mostly), we like our family (sometimes), sure, but they're not people. That's why there are different words to describe them. People are the ones who talk in movie theaters. They're the ones who cut in lines at the, uh, places with lines. They're the coworkers you have to clean up after, the ones who invented the automated help line. They're the ones who still don't know how banks work, and always end up taking FOREVER at the teller, and then you've got to move your whole day back because some, some, person (singular of people) just can't handle their business.
     Just fill out the deposit slip the right way, will you! How long has it been since they changed those? It's been forever, that's how long it's been! You should know it by now!
     See? People are the worst, and why anyone thinks taking their screens away and forcing them to have meaningful interactions with each other is beyond my ken. You know what happens when people have meaningful interactions with each other? All the worst things.
     Now look, I know that meeting new people is how we make new friends, meet new lovers, and make new and better professional connections, and this is all great. It's fun to go out into the world and see what the people are like, it really-
     Okay, you caught me. I can't even type that with a straight face. It's a chore to do all those things, and that's why we always complain about having to do it. So why not let people put all that inanity into a screen, instead of into your brain? Let them tell everyone in the world who isn't you -or more especially, me- about how their cat is the cutest cat ever, and he's so smart, it's like he's in charge of the house! That way, it's not your responsibility to point out the mistake they have allowed their life to become. You can wait until they post it online somewhere, and then post a link to this blog, and let them read for themselves that the selfishness and laziness intrinsic to all cats does not combine with the overindulgence of their owners to equal intelligence.
     Of either party.
     See how much easier your life just became?
     And if you still don't believe me, that's fine, just remember what I said when someone on the bus tries to tell you about the time they met that guy from Nickelback, and how he's a misunderstood genius. No one to blame but yourself for that one.
     And Nickelback. You can always blame Nickelback.
     -John