The John Of Rights

     Friends and neighbors, I've been thinking a lot lately -a seditious and often self-destructive habit-, which means it's high time I sat down and haphazardly typed out a bunch of stuff that so many people will disregard as a haphazardly typed out bunch of stuff. What I've been thinking about lately is how so many new laws seem to not get passed, and so many things that need to get done seem to not get done. This, I understand, is not news to anyone, and I'll have you know I never intended it to be treated as such. I intended, instead, to use it as I have, which is as a lead in.
     I also thought it might be time to throw a few of my own proposals for bills that will never become laws on the ever growing pile. So, who's ready for a few potential laws that will never be laws?
     Too bad for you if you aren't, because it's all I've got right now. Let's get a move on!
     New Law The First: No person shall be allowed to hold any public office whatsoever unless said person has a full understanding of how a woman's vagina works. This understanding must be based on actual scientific fact, and not on vaguely recalled rumors and speculation from junior high school. Or any religious text, for that matter. The stuff they put in those things is just nuts. Also, only one person may hold any public office at any given time.
     New Law The Second: Any person, or persons, caught standing in a doorway, blocking traffic unnecessarily, may legally be pushed to the ground and trod upon with no opportunity of reprisal. Find a corner, and get out of the way.
     New Law The Third: Corporations are not people. People own corporations, people run corporations, and people make corporations do things they themselves claim they would never do. This means that if corporations were people, they would be slaves, and slavery is illegal, so any person, or persons, attempting to claim that corporations are people is now legally racist and pro-slavery, and may be universally reviled and/or condemned by all other persons.
     New Law The Fourth: Any person, or persons, who chooses to adopt an herbivorous lifestyle, including but not limited to vegetarianism, veganism, etc., who is also found reasonably and demonstratively smug or condescending about said lifestyle, may legally be ignored and/or mocked about anything at any time for the remainder of their exceedingly natural lives. Said mocking may be done at any volume and for any length of time, with no interference or reprisal of any kind permitted.
     New Law the Fifth: Any person who insists that the United States of America was founded as a christian nation, and should remain forever so, is not permitted to expect to be taken seriously. Ever. Any person, or persons, found to be in violation of this law shall be remanded to an honest and thorough history class. A long one, taught by a passionate, intelligent teacher, who insists on never giving up on his or her students.
     New Law the Sixth: If a person, or persons, declares he or she does not enjoy the company of cats, no other person, or persons, shall be permitted to insist that any cat, or cats, they own, have owned, will ever own, met or will ever meet, seen, will ever see, real or imagined by themselves or any other person or persons, will be an exception. Aforementioned cat, or cats, will not.
     New Law the Seventh: Any and all educational institutions which receive any amount of money from any kind of government must be required to educate their students in the matters of actual science and honest history that is not based on any religion, as well as critical thinking. The necessity of this law is proven by the simple fact that this law had to be written down instead of just being universally known already. Also, teachers and educators must be have a salary that does not embarrass us as a nation
     New Law the Eighth: Any moment in my life in which I find myself to be hungry, some other person is officially required to supply me with the food of my choosing,. This is because as long as I'm going to take the time to think all this stuff up, I may as well throw in something for me. Also,lawmaking being the hard work and serious business that it is, it has taken a fair while for all this typing to get done, haphazardly or no, and I've become quite hungry.
     New Law the Ninth: Any person who chooses to run for any kind of public office must be legally required to write his or her own speeches. This is not legally required to be fun, but will be anyway.
     New Law the Tenth: Any person, or persons, claiming to have specific knowledge of what God loves or hates, will not be allowed to attend funerals or weddings of any kind. Also, any consenting adults (ADULTS! GROWN UP PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT CHILDREN AND DO NOT NEED TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO WITH THEIR OWN LIVES!) who wish to get married may do so, without regard to gender or sexual preference. No other person, or persons, or entity, or entities, or corporation, or corporations, shall be permitted to make said marriage their business in any way, shape or form. For the love of whatever, leave them alone.
     So there you have it, although I reserve the right to amend at any time. I think I'm going to call this list the John of Rights. Maybe it's not as good as the list that guy Bill wrote out, but at least it'll get people to stop telling me about their cats.
-John