Good night pajamas, there's a lot of crazy stuff going on these days, isn't there? Popes are resigning early and being replaced pretty quickly, sequestration is not just a vaguely ominous word but an actually occurring thing, children still refuse to listen to adults, it's madness I say! With all of our supposed leaders seemingly unable or unwilling to lead, where will we turn? Who will save us in these lost and forlorn times of lost folornication*?
Science is who.
Allow me to show you how, with these examples of really crazy stuff I found.
First, to prove
that even in the darkest places, even in the most unlikely situations, creepy
things are doing stuff that might encourage us all to carry on. Or at least
get out of the ocean, because it has -get ready for this- "zombie
worms" that "have sex in whale bones." Inspired yet?
How about if I
told you that what they do is bascially burrow into the skeletons of dead
animals (including, but not limited to, the aforementioned whales) wherein the
females begin to lay eggs. They will do this, continuously, for about six
weeks.
This is where I'm
going to interrupt, just for a second, and say, "wow."
Wow.
Okay, now back
to the bone tunneling zombie worms. The males actually live inside a tube that
covers part of the female, and they apparently exist only to fertilize, which
is easy enough to relate to, really. Also, these worms are all over the place,
it seems, and come in lots of different variations, which is also pretty easy
to relate to.
Now if that
doesn't inspire you all to move forward and live harmoniously, then clearly
you've never mated inside the skeleton of a giant dead sea mammal.
If that is indeed the case, perhaps this will raise your spirits: I found a list of ten extinct animals that scientists want to bring back to life! How cool is that? Let's check it out!
First up is the Aurochs, which was like a big cow. Cheap meat! Then the Dodo, which we've all heard about, followed by the Labrador Duck, a now extinct hybrid duck dog that was especially good at fetch, because it could fly**. Next on the list is the Ivory Billed Woodpecker, hunted to extinction for its highly prized ivory bill***, and the Woolly Mammoth, which we've discussed before. Also the Mastodon, the Quagga, which was a kind of Zebra, and the Saber Toothed Cat, also known as the Smilodon****, and the Tasmanian Tiger, because I guess something has to eat these other resurrected animals. Finally on the list is the Caribbean Monk Seal, which I have never heard of, but now I want one to put in the moat*****.
So I ask you, friends and neighbors, who wouldn't be excited about the possibility of spending lots of money to bring back some animals that lost out once already? As long as you ignore the fact that basically the only reason to do it is because maybe we can, it's totally not us just playing god.
What's that, you say? Despite all my efforts, you yet remain unconvinced that science will save us all? Well, it's a good thing I saved the best for last then, isn't it? Wait until you get a load of this headline:
"Toothy Spiral Jaw Gave Ancient Sea Predator an Edge."
See, this thing called a Helicoprion that lived in the dreaded ocean a little over 225 million years ago had a great whirl of teeth in its lower jaw. The artistic rendition I saw made it look like it had a circular saw blade jutting out of its mouth, and that's kind of how it worked, they say. When this saw jawed fellow bit down on prey, this big spirally collection of teeth moved back and forth, cutting the prey up and pushing it to the throat, and Sweet Oblivion, which is the proper name for any sea predators' intestines******, be they modern or ancient, as well as any sea predator that may be found which is unbound the limits of time.
This may not make you feel enthusiastic about the future of our leadership, or give you a sense of direction, I know. But it is pretty cool, and for a Wednesday afternoon, what more can you expect? Also, be careful in the ocean. That place is nuts.
-John
*Yeah, I
made that up. I'm allowed. Only me though.
**Also this.
*** And this.
**** True, but I could've made that up.
***** Someday I'll have a moat. Just you wait.
****** In Denmark. *******
******* I made that up.
