St. Valentine's Day Massacre

   
     So I know it's been a little longer than usual since we gathered here to admire and enjoy the glory that is my distaste for things that have the audacity to exist and endure in order to spite me personally. I know that. However, it has not been without reason. I've been thinking a lot about something one issue that has clearly been dominating our collective cognizance, and it's a tough one, to be sure. Lots of shouting, and pleading, and even a few threats of revolution here and there.
     But I figured, since it's St. Valentine's Day, why not write about America's most beloved object, and our passionate affair with it?
     We all know I'm talking about guns here, right? Not the horse meat they've been serving at Burger King (so tasty), not the incessant tax agency commercials (thank you for your hard work, guys), not even the looming Academy Awards so many people care about for no real reason (At. All.) Just guns. The debate over them has really boiled up over the last few weeks, with new reasons and events cropping up seemingly every day to exacerbate things. Apparently, the middle ground on this is nonexistent.
     So, in the interest of settling this so we can all move on to whatever polarizing issue is thrust upon us next, I have a solution for all of us:
     Let's make it all completely legal.
     You're welcome. Also, hear me out.
     When I say make it all legal, I'm not talking about the controversial assault weapons. Well, not just, anyway. I'm talking about tanks, bazookas (that's a funny word. Bazooka.), Apache Combat Helicopters, battleships, the whole shebang. You wanna know why? Good, because I'm gonna tell you. There's a wonderful little piece of wisdom going around now that explains how the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Plus, it has also been wisely pointed out that even if they did somehow manage to bamboozle the honest, god fearing, gun toting everyday american into giving up his or her beloved boomstick, the lawbreakers among us would not abide such soft-hearted laws. They would -of course- immediately charge into people's homes, committing all kinds of unspeakable acts. The foolishness of not having a gun in the home would become even more apparent, as society crumbled under the feet of merciless bandits and terrorists.
     Thus, if stricter gun laws would not prevent the criminal element from destroying us all, clearly the only way to go is to give everyone a gun, that way all the good and brave people of the world can keep the balance, making sure that bad people die too.
     Besides, isn't it about time we starting making laws based on whether or not some people would break them?
     Financially speaking, it's a slam dunk (or perhaps it's more of a fish in a barrel situation.) Think of how much the economy would benefit from all the bullets people would buy. And forgive me for being a little dark here, but the job market would probably improve a bit too, what with the thinning population of the unemployed. Never mind how much the medical industry would benefit. Hey, speaking of that, it may even get a few more people on board with universal health care if they know they're even more likely to get shot for buying the last carton of milk or something.
     Furthermore, think of the additional benefits. If someone cuts you off in traffic, you fire off a few rounds to let them know they are not cool. Also, if everyone had a gun, we wouldn't have to hear these morons blaming violent movies and video games for all the terrible things people do. We could just shoot them. With our helicopters. Any future stand offs with cults or drug dealers would make for even more interesting television, which is all anyone really wants anyway, right? People could play "Battleship" for real, and kids would never have to fight about whether or not someone was hit or not when they play Cowboys and Indians, or Bank Robbers, or Drug Dealers, or whatever the kids play these days.
     Basically, we live in terrible, horrifying times, friends and neighbors, and we all know that if there's one thing guns do, it's make every situation safer.
     Right?
-John