The John Of Rights

     Friends and neighbors, I've been thinking a lot lately -a seditious and often self-destructive habit-, which means it's high time I sat down and haphazardly typed out a bunch of stuff that so many people will disregard as a haphazardly typed out bunch of stuff. What I've been thinking about lately is how so many new laws seem to not get passed, and so many things that need to get done seem to not get done. This, I understand, is not news to anyone, and I'll have you know I never intended it to be treated as such. I intended, instead, to use it as I have, which is as a lead in.
     I also thought it might be time to throw a few of my own proposals for bills that will never become laws on the ever growing pile. So, who's ready for a few potential laws that will never be laws?
     Too bad for you if you aren't, because it's all I've got right now. Let's get a move on!
     New Law The First: No person shall be allowed to hold any public office whatsoever unless said person has a full understanding of how a woman's vagina works. This understanding must be based on actual scientific fact, and not on vaguely recalled rumors and speculation from junior high school. Or any religious text, for that matter. The stuff they put in those things is just nuts. Also, only one person may hold any public office at any given time.
     New Law The Second: Any person, or persons, caught standing in a doorway, blocking traffic unnecessarily, may legally be pushed to the ground and trod upon with no opportunity of reprisal. Find a corner, and get out of the way.
     New Law The Third: Corporations are not people. People own corporations, people run corporations, and people make corporations do things they themselves claim they would never do. This means that if corporations were people, they would be slaves, and slavery is illegal, so any person, or persons, attempting to claim that corporations are people is now legally racist and pro-slavery, and may be universally reviled and/or condemned by all other persons.
     New Law The Fourth: Any person, or persons, who chooses to adopt an herbivorous lifestyle, including but not limited to vegetarianism, veganism, etc., who is also found reasonably and demonstratively smug or condescending about said lifestyle, may legally be ignored and/or mocked about anything at any time for the remainder of their exceedingly natural lives. Said mocking may be done at any volume and for any length of time, with no interference or reprisal of any kind permitted.
     New Law the Fifth: Any person who insists that the United States of America was founded as a christian nation, and should remain forever so, is not permitted to expect to be taken seriously. Ever. Any person, or persons, found to be in violation of this law shall be remanded to an honest and thorough history class. A long one, taught by a passionate, intelligent teacher, who insists on never giving up on his or her students.
     New Law the Sixth: If a person, or persons, declares he or she does not enjoy the company of cats, no other person, or persons, shall be permitted to insist that any cat, or cats, they own, have owned, will ever own, met or will ever meet, seen, will ever see, real or imagined by themselves or any other person or persons, will be an exception. Aforementioned cat, or cats, will not.
     New Law the Seventh: Any and all educational institutions which receive any amount of money from any kind of government must be required to educate their students in the matters of actual science and honest history that is not based on any religion, as well as critical thinking. The necessity of this law is proven by the simple fact that this law had to be written down instead of just being universally known already. Also, teachers and educators must be have a salary that does not embarrass us as a nation
     New Law the Eighth: Any moment in my life in which I find myself to be hungry, some other person is officially required to supply me with the food of my choosing,. This is because as long as I'm going to take the time to think all this stuff up, I may as well throw in something for me. Also,lawmaking being the hard work and serious business that it is, it has taken a fair while for all this typing to get done, haphazardly or no, and I've become quite hungry.
     New Law the Ninth: Any person who chooses to run for any kind of public office must be legally required to write his or her own speeches. This is not legally required to be fun, but will be anyway.
     New Law the Tenth: Any person, or persons, claiming to have specific knowledge of what God loves or hates, will not be allowed to attend funerals or weddings of any kind. Also, any consenting adults (ADULTS! GROWN UP PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT CHILDREN AND DO NOT NEED TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO WITH THEIR OWN LIVES!) who wish to get married may do so, without regard to gender or sexual preference. No other person, or persons, or entity, or entities, or corporation, or corporations, shall be permitted to make said marriage their business in any way, shape or form. For the love of whatever, leave them alone.
     So there you have it, although I reserve the right to amend at any time. I think I'm going to call this list the John of Rights. Maybe it's not as good as the list that guy Bill wrote out, but at least it'll get people to stop telling me about their cats.
-John

Me, Myself, and You Guys!

   
     Let's just say it: it's been forever. I offer no apologies, but how about an explanation of sorts? Or at least a moderately thought out intro? Good enough? Great enough.
     This is what happened.
     A few months ago, I somehow or another found myself distracted by additional responsibilities, and other personal things that you don't want to hear about. Promise. Point is, my mind was elsewhere. Then, not too long ago, I heard about what was happening with Paula Deen, and had a thought, which turned into a conversation with myself. Here's how that went:
     "Hey, Carrier of the Righteousness Torch," I said to myself, "people sure are mad that Paula Deen is a racist now, eh?"
     "That's true, Guy Who Is Great at Being Me, they sure are."
     "Why do you think that is, Greatest Person Ever?"
     "Probably because people aren't big fans of racism, Handsomest Person of THEM ALL."
     "Well, sure, Even Handsomer Than That, but what I mean is, how is it that after a week or so of this garbage, we still have yet to hear anyone ask why we care about -at all- the proclivities of a woman who is famous because she uses butter when she cooks?"
     And then Myself reminded me of something, aside from the fact that I should never tell anyone about the proper pronouns I use to address Myself in private*. Something I immediately forgot about again, due to the previously alluded to distractions.
     After that, time passed.
     Then, I heard that this one social networking site was going to start using hashtags and things of this nature, much in the way that this one other site utilizes them. I didn't hear much about it really, but I did point out to Myself that no one was standing around complaining loudly about it and threatening to raise a ruckus, an observation in which Myself immediately took interest.
     "That's an excellent point, O Great and Most Amazing Leader of Beasts and Men Alike. Where are the people who equitably insist that this whole hashtag thing is weird beyond reason? Why is it that people feel the need nowadays to categorize, summarize, and otherwise rephrase whatever it is they just typed? And, Self That is With Every New Moment a Greater Level of Achievement for All Past Selves, I mean literally just typed. Has everything become so passing and insignificant that they don't even speak for themselves anymore?"
     "Can't say, Most Graceful of Movers and Shakers, but if I were to hazard a guess, I'd speculate that it's because people seem to be getting less and less communicatively capable as technology provides them with more opportunities to express themselves."
      To which myself replied to me, "An interesting thought, Grand Master of Fascinations, but it doesn't really follow, does it? Generally, the more we do something, the better we get at it, correct? The more one practices an instrument, or juggling, or some other skill, the more adept they become. So why wouldn't all the additional communicating people are doing improve their abilities?"
     Well, I had to admit to myself, I had a point. Myself is pretty good about these things. He's also pretty good about answering his own questions before I get a chance to do so. I expect more than a few people are delighted to find out that having to go back and forth with Myself is just as frustrating for me as it is for them. The guy's always got a point to prove. This time, it was thus:
     "I think, My Bold and Wondrous Pillar of Strength, that the only conclusion we are left with is that people were never good at communicating in the first place, because people are the worst of things, and what we're seeing now is just a horrible, linguistic nightmare of free-floating detritus from people's brains. Not so much communication, but just declarations that others are now allowed to observe and judge."
     Myself usually ends my arguments by explaining that whatever it is that's happening is happening because people are stupid, which would be far less tiresome to me if Myself wasn't right all the time.
     "So why is no one talking about this, Good Lord of the Mighty?" I asked.
     Myself's reply was lost to me, for the sake of prolonging the structure of this piece.
     More time passed, as it insistently does.
     Then, just the other day, I was out running errands with a friend of mine. During the course of our conversation, she commented that I do like to complain.
     I know, I was surprised to hear it, too. I didn't have much of a conversation with Myself about it then, because I was with another person and that would've been rude. But it stuck, and Myself and I both thought about it for a while. I came to the conclusion that I really didn't like to complain, but it didn't feel like anyone else was really doing a very good job of it. Sure, people were going back and forth about this and that, bicyclists and motorists complaining about each other, republicans and democrats doing the same, and just all kinds of lines being drawn everywhere and subsequently crossed.
     "But what about these lines, Czar of the Just?" I asked Myself. "What about the lines getting crossed all the time that no one seems to notice? Why don't I hear anyone talking about those?"
     And that's when Myself again said to me what I'd forgotten.
     "Because that's your job, stupid. Now leave me alone, I'm tired of listening to you and I want to sleep."
      Which is when I decided to write this all out for you, friends and neighbors.
     But anyway, yeah, I was distracted, so I was gone for a while.
     So who wants to raise a ruckus?
-John

    
*crap.
   

Finally, a return!

    

     Murphy Breakdancin' Brown, things have gotten crazy again, haven't they? Seems like over the past few weeks, everywhere you turn, some new form of insanity further fractures this fun house mirror of a culture we have. And of course immediately after, people do what they do best, which is freak all the way out. Like buy a first class bus ticket and ride it all the way to the North Pole so they can get a really fresh panini hand made by Santa's elves, because someone on TV said they stave off cancer kind of freaked out.

     This kind of behavior, entertaining as it may be, isn't exactly productive, friends and neighbors. Sure, it gives a bunch of us a good enough reason to go on an old fashioned, rip-roaring, constitutionally forbidden and morally empty witch hunt, which I know we can all support, but in the long run, what's the point? It's this kind of tomfoolery that leads to infinitely stupid national choices, like internment camps, or the continued success of Hot Pockets (those things are gross, and anyone who defends them is wrong. Accept it, and get on with your life.)

     Speaking of senseless behavior, here's what I really don't get about what happened in Boston: what exactly made that seem like a good idea? Now look, I understand that running is awful, but that's definitely not a good enough reason. Also, this is a country where we can't even get people to agree that letting everyone have a gun on them at all times is maybe not a great idea. One of our politicians -an elected one, mind you, one our citizens chose to serve our interests- actually said that if babies had guns, they wouldn't get aborted. That's the kind of crazy you're dealing with here. I don't think I need to remind you what kind of idiotic things were said about rape, do I? And you think blowing up some of our stuff and murdering people is going to teach us something? Let me lay this down for you straight, okay? We still have the death penalty here, and many of us take pride in it. We have commercials for our armed forces which make them look like a video game, because video games are cool. We simultaneously try to blame those video games for our violent behavior, and right now the amendment of our constitution that says we can have guns is being more vehemently protected than the one that says we can say and think and worship and write whatever we want. When we think our kids are spending too much time on their iPads, we actually put them in therapy, instead of just taking the stupid thing away and pushing them outside to play with a stick or something. You cannot out crazy us.

     And you really think making explosions is going to change anything?

     As a wise man once said, "Good luck."

     What I do like is how, much as we've done in the past, many of us responded to this by rallying around the heroes that such events often produce, and gain no small of amount of inspiration from them. Once the dust settles, and those who refuse to let go of the initial panic and irrationality have been relegated to the basic cable channels on which they belong, many of us take solace in and appreciate the people who step up when the time comes. They show us that the kind of person so many of us like to believe we are does in fact exist, and that's a pretty important thing to know. 

      I guess the bottom line for me is that blowing stuff up to prove a point is stupid, especially if the point is that crazy people are crazy. My advice? Have a little fun with it instead. Come up with something silly, and then sell it to the crazy. Like light up sneakers, remember those? How about those jeans with the huge legs, or those ones with the super skinny legs? Think for a second, will you? You oughtta know by now that we're not going anywhere, so if you want to get our attention, do what our most successful people do.

     Insist on yelling really stupid things really loud, and then expect everyone to treat you like you deserve a prize. We'll probably elect you.

-John

     

Salvation in the Beasts, and the Science Therein!

     Good night pajamas, there's a lot of crazy stuff going on these days, isn't there? Popes are resigning early and being replaced pretty quickly, sequestration is not just a vaguely ominous word but an actually occurring thing, children still refuse to listen to adults, it's madness I say! With all of our supposed leaders seemingly unable or unwilling to lead, where will we turn? Who will save us in these lost and forlorn times of lost folornication*?

     Science is who. Allow me to show you how, with these examples of really crazy stuff I found.

     First, to prove that even in the darkest places, even in the most unlikely situations, creepy things are doing stuff that might encourage us all to carry on. Or at least get out of the ocean, because it has -get ready for this- "zombie worms" that "have sex in whale bones." Inspired yet?

     How about if I told you that what they do is bascially burrow into the skeletons of dead animals (including, but not limited to, the aforementioned whales) wherein the females begin to lay eggs. They will do this, continuously, for about six weeks.

     This is where I'm going to interrupt, just for a second, and say, "wow."

      Wow.

       Okay, now back to the bone tunneling zombie worms. The males actually live inside a tube that covers part of the female, and they apparently exist only to fertilize, which is easy enough to relate to, really. Also, these worms are all over the place, it seems, and come in lots of different variations, which is also pretty easy to relate to.

     Now if that doesn't inspire you all to move forward and live harmoniously, then clearly you've never mated inside the skeleton of a giant dead sea mammal.

     If that is indeed the case, perhaps this will raise your spirits: I found a list of ten extinct animals that scientists want to bring back to life! How cool is that? Let's check it out!

     First up is the Aurochs, which was like a big cow. Cheap meat! Then the Dodo, which we've all heard about, followed by the Labrador Duck, a now extinct hybrid duck dog that was especially good at fetch, because it could fly**. Next on the list is the Ivory Billed Woodpecker, hunted to extinction for its highly prized ivory bill***, and the Woolly Mammoth, which we've discussed before. Also the Mastodon, the Quagga, which was a kind of Zebra, and the Saber Toothed Cat, also known as the Smilodon****, and the Tasmanian Tiger, because I guess something has to eat these other resurrected animals. Finally on the list is the Caribbean Monk Seal, which I have never heard of, but now I want one to put in the moat*****. 

     So I ask you, friends and neighbors, who wouldn't be excited about the possibility of spending lots of money to bring back some animals that lost out once already? As long as you ignore the fact that basically the only reason to do it is because maybe we can, it's totally not us just playing god. 

     What's that, you say? Despite all my efforts, you yet remain unconvinced that science will save us all? Well, it's a good thing I saved the best for last then, isn't it? Wait until you get a load of this headline:

     "Toothy Spiral Jaw Gave Ancient Sea Predator an Edge."

     See, this thing called a Helicoprion that lived in the dreaded ocean a little over 225 million years ago had a great whirl of teeth in its lower jaw. The artistic rendition I saw made it look like it had a circular saw blade jutting out of its mouth, and that's kind of how it worked, they say. When this saw jawed fellow bit down on prey, this big spirally collection of teeth moved back and forth, cutting the prey up and pushing it to the throat, and Sweet Oblivion, which is the proper name for any sea predators' intestines******, be they modern or ancient, as well as any sea predator that may be found which is unbound the limits of time.

     This may not make you feel enthusiastic about the future of our leadership, or give you a sense of direction, I know. But it is pretty cool, and for a Wednesday afternoon, what more can you expect? Also, be careful in the ocean. That place is nuts.

-John

    

*Yeah, I made that up. I'm allowed. Only me though.

**Also this.

*** And this.

**** True, but I could've made that  up.

***** Someday I'll have a moat. Just you wait.

****** In Denmark. *******

******* I made that up.

St. Valentine's Day Massacre

   
     So I know it's been a little longer than usual since we gathered here to admire and enjoy the glory that is my distaste for things that have the audacity to exist and endure in order to spite me personally. I know that. However, it has not been without reason. I've been thinking a lot about something one issue that has clearly been dominating our collective cognizance, and it's a tough one, to be sure. Lots of shouting, and pleading, and even a few threats of revolution here and there.
     But I figured, since it's St. Valentine's Day, why not write about America's most beloved object, and our passionate affair with it?
     We all know I'm talking about guns here, right? Not the horse meat they've been serving at Burger King (so tasty), not the incessant tax agency commercials (thank you for your hard work, guys), not even the looming Academy Awards so many people care about for no real reason (At. All.) Just guns. The debate over them has really boiled up over the last few weeks, with new reasons and events cropping up seemingly every day to exacerbate things. Apparently, the middle ground on this is nonexistent.
     So, in the interest of settling this so we can all move on to whatever polarizing issue is thrust upon us next, I have a solution for all of us:
     Let's make it all completely legal.
     You're welcome. Also, hear me out.
     When I say make it all legal, I'm not talking about the controversial assault weapons. Well, not just, anyway. I'm talking about tanks, bazookas (that's a funny word. Bazooka.), Apache Combat Helicopters, battleships, the whole shebang. You wanna know why? Good, because I'm gonna tell you. There's a wonderful little piece of wisdom going around now that explains how the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Plus, it has also been wisely pointed out that even if they did somehow manage to bamboozle the honest, god fearing, gun toting everyday american into giving up his or her beloved boomstick, the lawbreakers among us would not abide such soft-hearted laws. They would -of course- immediately charge into people's homes, committing all kinds of unspeakable acts. The foolishness of not having a gun in the home would become even more apparent, as society crumbled under the feet of merciless bandits and terrorists.
     Thus, if stricter gun laws would not prevent the criminal element from destroying us all, clearly the only way to go is to give everyone a gun, that way all the good and brave people of the world can keep the balance, making sure that bad people die too.
     Besides, isn't it about time we starting making laws based on whether or not some people would break them?
     Financially speaking, it's a slam dunk (or perhaps it's more of a fish in a barrel situation.) Think of how much the economy would benefit from all the bullets people would buy. And forgive me for being a little dark here, but the job market would probably improve a bit too, what with the thinning population of the unemployed. Never mind how much the medical industry would benefit. Hey, speaking of that, it may even get a few more people on board with universal health care if they know they're even more likely to get shot for buying the last carton of milk or something.
     Furthermore, think of the additional benefits. If someone cuts you off in traffic, you fire off a few rounds to let them know they are not cool. Also, if everyone had a gun, we wouldn't have to hear these morons blaming violent movies and video games for all the terrible things people do. We could just shoot them. With our helicopters. Any future stand offs with cults or drug dealers would make for even more interesting television, which is all anyone really wants anyway, right? People could play "Battleship" for real, and kids would never have to fight about whether or not someone was hit or not when they play Cowboys and Indians, or Bank Robbers, or Drug Dealers, or whatever the kids play these days.
     Basically, we live in terrible, horrifying times, friends and neighbors, and we all know that if there's one thing guns do, it's make every situation safer.
     Right?
-John

A Quick One While It's A Wednesday

     Quick, friends and neighbors! It's time once again for the long awaited, much anticipated, perhaps a little behind but never quite outdated (that rhymed), not exactly annual or even consistently held (that did not) contest you all know and love! That's right, you fortunate flock of folks, it's the return of the World's Greatest Country Contest!
     LET'S! GET! TO IIIIITT!!
     That was too loud, wasn't it?
     NO IT WAS NOT!!
     Anyway...
     First up, we have a wonderful and sturdy entry from our dear beloved friends in Colombia. It seems a company there that makes bulletproof vests has begun making -so awesome- armored clothes for kids. And not just vests, I'll have you know. You can also purchase, if you feel the red blooded need, protective undershirts and, my favorite, backpacks with ballistic protection.You know what that means, right? You can use them as shields! Kids with shields! YES!
     Turning your kid into a gunfire ready vigilante will cost you up to $600 per piece, and rest easy freedom fighters, because a U.S. distributor has already been found. Just imagine how much better you'll feel when you drop off your kids at school, and watch as they join ranks and march off to class.
     But hey, if something as ridiculous and sad as making kids wear bulletproof backpacks to school is what it takes to keep our guns and ensure we don't have to actually deal with a deeply rooted national problem, then that's the way it has to be, right?
    Right?
    Congratulations on the bronze, Colombia. Keep it up.
    The Silver this time around goes to none other than the often controversial, always exciting, world center of all things joyful and fashionable, Israel. At the beginning of this year, they put into effect a law that would ban models who are too skinny. Models must now maintain a Body Mass Index of at least 18.5, and I assume some of you know what that means. Don't tell me though. I'll wait for the movie. Now, on the one hand, I like this, because I'm tired of how so many models look like broom handles, and advertisers expect us to like it. Let's make this clear, once and for all: if you're built like a pre-teen child, and you're not one, then something is wrong with you. Eat.
     On the other hand, the idea that a government has the right to demand someone look a certain way before they can work as a model is off putting at best. Plus, this law seems to focus primarily on aforementioned BMI's, instead of actual physical health. Some people are just skinny, you know? It seems to me the time and money spent on this law (as with many laws) could have been better spent otherwise, such as educating the public on things like body image, nutrition, and physical health.
     Either way, any country whose collective image of beauty is so dangerously unhealthy that it's government has to legally regulate it deserves second place, I figure.
     And finally, our first place, gold prize winner: China! (Like it could be anyone else. They make most of our stuff now, we owe them.)
     Here's why:
     There was a big protest over there recently, because of some pretty heavy censorship of a newspaper article. The censorship was handled, as most things of this nature are, by the Propaganda Department, and was so overtly done that it sparked all kinds of shenanigans, including the big protest, as well as many people in the newspaper industry refusing to lend support to the censoring folks in charge. Finally, a deal was made, wherein propaganda officials will no longer directly censor newspaper articles before publication, and all the people involved would not lose their jobs. Oddly enough, however, many people refused to be named publicly, for fear of future retaliation. Imagine, a government that punishes its people for dissent, instead of just plying them with cheap fast food and twenty-four hour news that provides more opinion than fact. Also, most of the other longstanding regulations and controls will remain in place.
     Anyway, China doesn't win first prize only because of a tiny victory in the face of censorship. It also wins because they have a Propaganda Department, which sounds like something from the Ministry of Magic in one the last few Harry Potter books, and because writing about it made me type the word 'censor' (in its various forms) more than I ever have in any one paragraph, I think.
     If not, then just scratch that part out.
-John

p.s. I just wanted to take a second to say thanks to the small handful of you who repost this silly thing every week (or whenever I write it), be it via your preferred social media site, or your own actual web site. So, thanks.
-J