People Among, Um, Other People

     So I was gonna do this last week, but then I didn't. Don't take that as an apology, because few people even care if I do this, and even fewer (0) pay me for it, so I'll do it when I please, how 'bout? How. 'Bout.
     This time around I thought I'd introduce yet another new thing, since that thing I did last time with the stupid news stories did so well (10 whole views! Not including mine! Ah, fame at last!) This time I'm going to share with you a few of the people I love, since they all do so much to make every day I skulk along this earth so unbearably joyous and light filled.*
     And now I bet you're sitting there, thinking to yourself, or possibly saying to a friend, "I bet he's gonna talk about Charlie Sheen, " aren't you? Well you're wrong, Buster Brown! I have no intention of making Charlie Sheen the subject of anything else, nor do I have to. Know why? Because everyone else is making it my business anyway. And thank God for that, too. Heaven knows, with all the interest I have in whatever self absorbed lunacy he most recently unleashed upon his ONE MILLION PLUS Twitter followers (none. I have none interest), and the countless times I've wanted to watch his Youtube Channel ( you can easily count them. It's Zero. It's Youtube he's on, right?), never mind all the episodes of Two and a Half Men I've watched (pfft. Please), I simply rejoice in all the people who keep this train on track by posting his inanery (which I know isn't actually a word, but given the context I feel it all the more appropriate) on their social network sites. Thanks for that, guys! How I love you for it!
     Hey! How 'bout we make some new lingo, too! Wouldn't that great? Let's see. . . okay, try this: anytime anyone insists on making a public spectacle of his own unabashed self worship, we can say he's really taken a sheen to himself! HAHAHAHAHaaaaaa!!!! (Seriously, can we be done with miscreant fool now? Please?)
     Moving on, I also find myself having more and more deep, passionate, violent love for anyone and everyone who wears cologne or perfume. And not just because so many of them like it so much that they use bottles of it at a time, no sir, my love is for all of you. Because only a true visionary can actually believe that other people would want to be engulfed in a cloud of chemically produced smells that don't smell like any actual thing (sting his nose with passion is not a scent, okay? It's not even a good name! (or a real one, don't look it up)) when said visionary walks by. Surely since you like it, the rest of us must as well. I especially like it when you stand super close to me, put your face really close to mine, and tell me something about your brain dead children or, failing that, emotionally overbearing cat.
     The only people who manage to drag my olfactory affections away from those pleasantly perfumed people who're predisposed to pass my path (and that's how you alliterate) are those who reside on the other end of the specially scented spectrum (TA-DOW! Again!), the intentionally unwashed. So green, these people! Saving all that water! Why, they're so environmentally friendly, they even smell like a cave (you know, those caves that're all damp, and the floor is covered in guano. Those caves.) Why so far away Mr. Body Odor Man? Perhaps you and MS. Perfume can both come stand next to me, and the fumes can help me take that unexpected nap I've been jonesing for.
    Also, Celine Dion. Love her so much I'd like to get a front lawn. (you know, so I can get a giant dog and teach it to attack her. Gotta get a front lawn if you have a big dog)
     Finally, just one last thing: It's okay to have a catchphrase or two, friends and neighbors, but if you say it again every five minutes,then it's less of a catchphrase, and more of a WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT? ARE YOU UNAWARE THAT OTHER WORDS CAN BE USED MORE THAN ONCE A DAY? OH MY GOD, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT BEFORE MY EYEBALLS BLEED OUT AND MY HEAD COLLAPSES IN ON ITSELF LIKE IN WEEKEND AT BERNIES'! (OR WHATEVER!) YOU WORTHLESS, SIMPLE-MINDED, CRETINOUS BLACK HOLE OF-
     Whoaaaaaaa. . . completely lost it there. Didn't even keep the sarcasm. And Weekend at Bernies'? The hell did that come from? That didn't even happen, I don't think. Man alive, I gotta settle down.
-John

*The idiots.